Changed access arrangements 3 times
If anyone can provide some useful tips please. My husband decided in November he no longer wanted to be with me anymore. We have 3 children a 13 yr old a 10 yr old and a 3 yr old. Although I was extremely hurt and found it difficult I have never stopped any access to the children as they come first and I think its important that they maintain a healthy relationship with their dad. We are both in the same jobs and work weekends every 4 weeks (we work different weekends).
The first arrangement was for their dad to collect the girls on the Saturday morning and have them overnight every other weekend for the Sat and Sunday night so he could take them to school. He phoned and changed this at the last minute and I had explained to the children that this was the arrangement.
The second arrangement has been to have them as above but not the Sunday night during the weekends he has the children he has left the children with their grandmother on more thanb 3 occassions to play golf.
I then receieved a phonecall during the week stating that he would have the girls when Iam in work for the weekend over night on the Saturday and the other weekend he stated he will only have them for one of days which will be interchangeable and just for a few hours, I attampted to ask why he had changed arrangements so many times as the children are getting confused and the reply I got is I pay you a lot of money to have those children and Iam happy to have full custody.
He will not speak I have suggested mediation to get an agreement in writing so the children have some form of stability and he has refused so I have advised him that until we agree something in writing he will not be having the children again he has not agreed to any of this but because of his continued changes I feel this is necessary for the children so they know when they will see their dad.
I have since found out that in his rented house he has a lodger and maybe that is the reason for not having his own children.
I need some help and advice I am so confused and need his support to with the girls as they dont know where they stand from one day to the next
Comments
the guys an idiot ! Some dads have to fight so hard to get contact . Does he not realise how hard it is looking after children 24/7. its not just about the kids seeing their dad (and i know thats important) but us working mums need a break too . Wonder how long he would last if he had full custody . My ex gave me the same bull and I reminded him how they drove him up the wall when we all lived together and I did all the looking after them ! What do they think we do with child support ... have they any idea how much it costs to run a home . he needs a big dose of reality !
I can see that you really want your girls to have a good relationship with their dad but consistency and reliability is really important. Stopping contact is your way of getting the message across that this is a big issue to you but it's a shame that the biggest impact is on your children not seeing their dad at all!
You can't force a dad to have more contact - which feels v unfair as a single mum. You never chose to be in this situation and now you have the responsibility for doing all the hard work by yourself. My guess is that he has no idea how tough it is for you or how much the children need him. Just because he's reducing his time with them now doesn't mean it will be like this forever - things can change in the future. Remember if you only separated in November that's still relatively recent.
My suggestion is that you put everything in writing to him. Try not to have a go at him or he'll just stop reading! Focus on your aim which is for him to spend more regular time with the children but also accept that, for whatever reasons, he might not be prepared to spend as much time with the children as you'd like him to have. You might want to say to him that you will accept this but would he please stick to agreed times as letting the children down is really hurtful to them.
Another thought is to have this conversation with his mum as she might be able to get thru to him better?
Hi thanks I have read the contents about the parenting plans etc, I have suggested mediation to the ex and he has completely refused any such intervention or help to resolve the issues. He is adamant that the arrangements will stay as he has said in my original comments. The two older children dont seem to bothered at the moment but my concern is their relationship with their own dad will turn into one of a stranger as once a month to see his own children to mainatin the relationship is ridiculous. The 3 year old loves going to her dads and sees it very much as an adventure and that worries me the fact that she wont really be spending any time with her dad at such an influencial age. I dont know where to go from here do I go to the solicitor to put arrangements in place that will not be changed at the dropn of a hat??
Thanks again
Hi confusedmum, this is Jaybee, one of the helpers on the Parent Connection Site. Let me see if I can help:
First thing to say is, have a look around the site at some of the articles. Ones you might find particularly relevant are the articles under 'Children in the Middle' (in the 'After Separation' drop down menu.) There is one in particular on Parenting Plans' : http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/parenting-plans (Sounds like you and your ex could use one of these! as, as you have identified, the current irregular arrangements are confusing for your children.)
Also, there are videos of children themselves giving their views. They can be a bit painful to watch but they make certain things very clear from a child's perspective! Sometimes children go along with things to keep the peace but it isn't always the same as what they are feeling inside. How are yours about not seeing their Dad at the moment?
Let us know how you get on and if this has been helpful to you.