Childs father wants contact again
Hi guys,
I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship. His father "P" and I broke up in 2006 after a 5 year relationship. I never married his father and as our son was born in 2001 P has no parental responsibility.
During 2007 P had regular contact with my son, roughly twice a month. However gradually my son didn't enjoy going to see him, so during 2008 I agreed that P could come and see him at our home. Towards the end of 2008 his fathers visits dwindled out as most weekends he was "busy" as he had a new girlfriend, so since Nov 2008 my son has had no contact with his father whatsoever. I do recieve CSA payments and continue to do so.
At the end of 2006 I had a new partner,"M", and we married July 2011. We have lived together since 2007 and M has always treated my son with love and respect as if he were his own. My son is happy and enjoys our family life.
Yesterday I received a solicitors letter saying that P would like to reinstate contact with my son. I spoke to my son about this, but he doesn't want to see/speak to him. After 3 and a half years of no contact I can understand his thinking and its seems unfair that P wasn't interested in his son when he had better things to do, however this is not about what I want, I have to think solely about the welfare of my son. He is apprehensive as he doesn't know P anymore and is happy with how his life is. My son will shortly be 11, he is very mature and strong minded. He knows what he wants. Should I respond to the letter politely saying that this isn't the right time for my son, but I can take contact details if he decides to change his mind? I'm not sure if P has any rights to see my son as he pays maintenance. At my sons age will his view be taken into consideration? Any advice welcomed.
Comments
This must have come as a surprise to both you and your son and can sense you feel it is very unfair to turn up three years later and want to reinstate contact .Its not always as easy as that ! What do you think is going for P and why the change of mind ?
It seems to me that it is important that your son has a voice in all of this but equally children also feel that they do not like to be the decision makers and the onus may be on him if he has to make the first call on when or if he should make contact . Mediations services work with separated parents in helping them work out how to deal with difficult situations like this . They can also speak to children and ensure they have a voice . He may not want to speak to his dad or see him at present but might be marginally interested in who or what his father is and open to other ideas . This article may help http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/family-mediation-and-listening-to-your-children-parent-connection.
Hope this helps
I can see this has come as a big shock for you totally out of the blue. What are your feelings about your son having contact with his father again? Although it is natural for your son to be apprehensive about seeing his father again after all this time he may also be picking up on your feelings. Perhaps you could suggest to P that he writes your son a letter - if contact does resume it will need to be a very gradual slow process. Whatever the outcome it would be good if you could leave the door open for future contact as there may come a time when you son is older that he wants to know more about his birth father. Good luck with this.
I just wondered if you had decided what you are going to do? The following article is quite useful http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/fathers-legal-rights-and-responsibilities ....my apologies if you have read it already . I can see that your main priority is the welfare of your son and as you can see from the article that is also what the courts prioritize too. I can see from your very reflective post that you realize that it might be a comfort to your son in the future to know that his birth father cared enough to want to renew contact with him...whether or not it goes ahead. I hope you find the best way forward for your son and for you.
Hi there, yes thank you for your help. I have written a letter to his solicitors suggesting to start with some indirect contact. I also have consulted with my solicitor who agrees this is a good idea and also advised me that my son is of an age where his opinion matters and he cannot be forced into doing anything he doesn't want to. I recommended his father write once a month to my son, however I cannot force my son to reply or guarantee that if he does reply that he won't say "go away". I have a feeling that after a few letters my son may become curious and want to reply, so I have to give him that chance. Have not yet had a reply from the fathers solicitor. I'm not sure he will be happy with my proposal but I think it to be a very fair way of dealing with this situation for now.
What wise decisions you seem to be making and what a relief it must be that your son can have his say about whether he wants contact or not. Since it is over a month since your last comment you may well now know if what you are suggesting to your ex has been accepted by him and if it has your son may well have had his first letter at least. It would be good to hear how it is going, not least for you and your son but for others caught up in similar difficult circumstances. I do hope it works out for you.