help, please? disabled son, aggressive father....allow access?
hi, id realy appreciate any advice. ill try to keep it short. my daughter is nearly 13, my son is ten. i separated from my husband 4 years ago. my son has adhd, along with emotional disorder. both my children love their dad, but are never themselves around him. i have never had any money from the ex, and im not going to argue. iv never bad mouthed their dad and i ask him to come to parents evenings, doctors, orthodontists etc, he always says naaahh u do all that. I DO ALL OF EVERYTHING. and im proud. our saying is us 3 against the world. hes had that many girlfriends weve lost count, and theres no hard feeling. he does what he wants when he wants. my daughter doesnt go anymore, after the 3rd holiday abroad didnt involve the kids she gave up on the let downs. even though he showed the brochures then went and swam with the dolphins with the girlfriend of the month. surely to not see their dad would be better? but its got to come from them....am i wrong?theres so so much more, never getting family cards that contain money for them, everytime he comes to collect them its on his terms. NOW THE UPSETTING BIT. my son has his disorders, and can be hyper, but isnt out of control, i wouldnt have him any other way, us 3 function as one person. his disability causes cripling depression, no self esteem, when he cant do something right he will cry he wants to die. he is not to have any negativeness around him. he only has nighttime tablets as he says his legs cant stop moving. his dad says things like ... your doing my f.. head in, your being stupid! cant you just shut up...im not giving you your tablets because theres nothing wrong with you...and much more. iv given him diagnoses letters, printout from the internet how serious his condition is. my sons come home tonight, saying dads been angry alot, i asked him how he felt, he said sad in my heart but scared at the shouting. i dont feel his dad understands, because he doesnt want to. i know he loves them. but what do i do? should they go? arguing in parents only hurt the kids and i have never wanted that. do i keep them away? or put it down to thats just how their dad is. please please help. im sorry its been so long xxxx
Comments
Sounds like your son still wants to see his Dad, some way or other. I agree with other people, it would be wrong to stop him. But when you say 'we're like 1 person' it makes me think you might be cut off from other people. I don't know if that's true but maybe your son needs some other men in his life (I don't mean you should have a partner, that's up to you) so that he can have a father figure around that's not like his Dad.
I agree with the other comment. Your son needs support and consistency, not anger. I'm against people making threats about stopping contact but you sound pretty upset and worried, and I can see why. I think it's important your ex knows that - better to tell him when you can be calm and explain why this matters than for it all to come out when something else happens to upset your son.
hi, I dont know if this will help or not but ..... . My friends little boy has aspergers and his dad reacted just like that . Apparently she was told that sometimes parents finds it really difficult to come to to terms with their children having a label and they can be in denial . I am just flagging this up, as from what you are saying he is a good dad but he isnt facing the difficulties your boy is having and maybe he is angry that he has ADHD . She had a number for a support group and a lady came and spoke to him and it made a huge difference . There is a similar support group for ADHD and the website iswww. adhdsupport.com . I think the above comments are really helpful but you could give him this contact too if you have a chat with him . Good luck with it and I'd be interested to hear how you get on so come back on .
It sounds like you're a fantastic mother and that you and your children are a great little team together. Their dad unfortunately sounds v. insensitive. You probably can't change the way he is - all you can do is let him see how you do things.
In some ways I think it's good for children to see what their mum/dad is really like. It can be hard on them if they're not the perfect parent but when they're older they can make the decision about whether they want to carry on seeing them. As you said - that's just how their dad is.
I do feel very sorry for your little boy tho and he sounds quite upset with the way his dad treats him. I think you have to tell him what your son has said about being sad and scared. And you have to tell him that you're so worried about it you've even been thinking that you'll stop your son going. This is important stuff so ask if he'll meet you somewhere neutral (no kids!) to talk it through. Stay calm and remember that he loves the children - in his own way! xxx