How Can We Stop This Damage?
I am step mum to a 7 year old. Her mother left when she was a baby and was out of contact for years but re-appeared when she was 5 and mounted a 2 year custody battle to take her away. She lost, but was given contact visits. These visits are a constant source of trouble as her mother has poor parenting skills. My step daughter is encouraged to stay up all night as a 'treat'consequently she is now not sleeping at home, she is allowed out to roam the streets with older local kids, stay overnight with people her mother has never met. Roam the internet unsupervised...the list is endless. We are worried sick. The courts and CAFCASS have been useless..her mother lies and they just accept her word. Their focus appears to be protecting the mothers rights not the childs.We have tried mediation...everything. Her mother refuses to accept that anything is wrong..meanwhile I can see that the little one is developing mental problems. She cries, has become violent and is clearly troubled.Nobody seems to care...we are at our wits end. Does anyone have advice?
Comments
This sounds like a horrendous situation for you. The courts are supposed to act in the best interests of the child so something looks like it has gone wrong. How often are the contact visits? You say you went to mediation - so did you discuss what was and what was not acceptable ie all the things you mention? You are right it seems totally out of order for your step-daughter to stay overnight with someone else when she is supposed to be with her mum.
I wonder why her mum has such poor parenting skills - is there any way you could develop a better relationship with her so you are both on the same side and somehow teach her how to be a better mum? Food for thought - what do you think?
Thank you for your comments. Like most people, we assumed that the court would protect the child and, considering we had years worth of evidence from ourselves and various authorities regarding the problems that had been occurring (endless abductions, drug abuse, domestic violence etc), we were completely confident that all would be well.
We were horrified then, when the court awarded 3 overnight stays per week. Regarding the history..she just said "I've changed" and CAFCASS took it at face value. The court seemed to be more focussed on the mothers rights to see her child (which we support in a limited, safe fashion) rather than the childs safety. CAFCASS accused us of 'wanting too much' too expect that she was fed, clean and safe.
Now, just 2 weeks into the court order there have been horrendous problems and we are genuinely afraid for our child. A few days ago, our girl met another child on the street and was invited back to spend the night. Her mother let her go, without even going to see the house she was going to...its so dangerous. Our girl probably only spends 1 in 3 of the contact visits with her mother, the rest of the time, she is passed off to anyone that will have her.
Mediation (twice) failed dismally. She just refutes every issue either saying its not an issue or denying it happened. If we try to talk to her direct we get verbally abused.
Her poor parenting sadly stems from her own awful childhood. I have raised children of my own and was a foster parent too..I would love to help and, in the past offered, but it gets thrown back. She constantly refers to me with abusive names and had to be legally restrained from threatening me.
We are completely stuck and terribly afraid.
The only thing we can think to do is to hire a private investigator and get actual hard independent proof of what is going on but that will cost...on top of the £10,000 we have already spent. Has anyone done this? Did it work?
I notice that you refer to your step daughter as 'our child'. If I was this Mum, I'd be feeling like you'd taken over my child and that I was having to fight 1:2 instead of 1:1 with her father, which isn't fair.
Maybe if she felt more like an equal partner she'd be more ready to negotiate.
Where's the dad? Why isn't he writing in for help?
I don't like to sound unkind, I'm sure you're very important to this little girl but maybe, if you can bear it, you need to step back a bit?
Your concern about the contact visits comes across very strongly. I imagine it has been a battle these last 2 years and I wonder if you're now feeling that you've 'lost' too? Anyway, the court has made its decision and you all have to do what the contact order says.
So, you're now in a new phase and somehow you ALL have to make this work. The suggestion I have may feel counter intuitive and I bet you won't like it but here goes!! In a nutshell - suggest to Mum that you all start again with a clean sheet and try to get on..... I know there will probably be loads of reasons why this would be hard/impossible but you all have this little girl's interests at heart so if you focused on her, maybe you could see a way of working together. The main reason I say this tho is that I know how worried you are about your daughter when she's with her Mum and the fact is that you'll get to know more about her life and have more influence if you're alongside her rather than against her.
What do you think?