I feel I've let my daughter down
I separated from my wife ten years ago after she discovered my affair of several years. I begged her to let me stay, but she refused and so I left and moved in with the woman I’d been having the affair with (a colleague). At the time my daughter was 9 and didn’t know the reason behind the split. My wife was very accommodating given the circumstances and ensured that I still saw my daughter twice a week and even let her stay over at the house I shared with my partner.
My partner and my daughter got on well at the beginning; I think my daughter liked the female company rather than just being stuck with her dad. However, two years ago my daughter found out that my partner and I had had an affair and that’s why her mum chucked me out. She was livid and is now very angry that I treated both her and her mother in this way. She is fiercely loyal to her mother, who suffered from depression after the split, and now says she can’t even bare to look at me as I am the root cause of all their problems. My daughter now refuses to talk to my partner too – they snipe at each other and can barely hold a civil conversation. I know some of it is my partner’s fault as she has bad-mouthed my ex-wife from time to time in front of my daughter and I never took her up on this. My daughter is also angry as she thinks I didn’t support her and her mother well enough financially over the years. I did pay maintenance, but I know my ex had debt problems, which I didn’t help out with, and my daughter probably felt the affect of her mum’s financial worries too. She has always burdened herself with other people’s issues, even from a young age.
I don’t know how to resolve this situation now. My daughter is an adult now and if she doesn’t want to see me I can’t force her. I don’t even know if I deserve to have her in my life given everything I’ve done.
Comments
It sounds like you are judging yourself quite harshly through all this - no relationship split is ever down to just the faults of one person, even though it was you who had the affair. Also your ex-wife did have the option to give the marriage a second go and refused. As far as financial issues go you were paying her maintenance - could you have afforded to pay her more? Your ex-wife may have suffered from depression whether or not you had stayed so don't blame yourself for that - whatever wrong you may have done I don't think you can be held responsible for all ex-wife's problems in one fell swoop!
It seems like you have had a good relationship with your daughter whilst she has been growing up so give her time to come to terms with the shock she has had and let her know how much you love her and of your regrets. Keep your door open and be patient, it's likely that eventually she will forgive you and allow you back in her life.
You are right of course, if your daughter does not want to see you you can't force her. I imagine you are very well aware of the likelihood that the news of your affair was a painful shock for her. ...and will have affected her image of you, her Dad. The comment above sounds right i.e.openly admitting to your daughter your regrets about the way you behaved and doing your best to make amends. Demonstrating unconditional love in this situation may well be doing all you can practically and financially while allowing her to work through her feelings (disappointment, anger, rejection etc. ) for as long as it takes.
Ask your daughter to meet you, somewhere quiet where just the two of you can talk. Explain to her that you know you messed up and that you regret the affair, though you can’t turn the clock back now. You must reassure her that she is your number one priority, and no matter what happens you will always love her unconditionally.
If you acknowledge that you should have stepped in when your partner badmouthed your ex, or that perhaps you didn’t support them well enough financially, your daughter might see that you are genuinely upset about what has gone on and that you want to make amends. If you have the money to do so, perhaps you may want to contribute financially now to something that would benefit your daughter – i.e. help with university fees. You can’t dwell on the past, but you can look at ways to make things up to her now – find ways to be a supportive father wherever possible.