Is what's happening to me wrong and what are my rights?
Hi,
I'd really appreciate some objective advice. I'm 28 years old and have a 5 year old son, I've been separated from his mother for two and a half years.
I'm well aware of my son's need for routine and therefore since separating relatively amicably have simply accepted that I only get to see my son every other weekend and paying £340 per month in maintenance money (not via the CSA). I believe that I've been paying this whilst she is still claiming full housing benefit and I'm not sure this is legal, my main worry being potential for me son to be evicted.
Increasingly over the past two and a half years I've witnessed my ex-partner get into more an more trouble financially primarily due to being unemployed for a year, then becoming a 'mature student' (a good thing!) and wanting to have social life that is outside of her means (a bad thing). This has meant that I'm continually asked for maintenance money early, asked for several months up front and asked for general loan, this month I was asked for £1K as utility bills are massively in arrears.
Since we separated I have where possible helped financially and have also been flexible in the times I'm 'supposed' to have him however, this behaviour is not mirrored, for example, I had weeks of abuse, followed by a week of complete ignorance when I asked if I could spend a couple of hours on a Tuesday evening after school with him, eventually I resorted to legal advice which when realised by her, I was then allowed to spend Tuesday evening with him. Now because I've had to employ such tactics in order to get a little more time with him, I'm now accused of using him as a pawn, i.e. threatening her with legal action if I don't get my own way. I get to see him for a total of 6 days and 8 hours out of every 30 days, aren't I entitled to ask for a bit of flexibility every now and again? When I'm asked to have him out of routine I embrace it with open arms just to get more time with him - I'd have him all the time if I could.
Generally her behaviour towards me combined with the apparent financial woes (I believe she's now driving around with no MOT as she cannot afford one) I'm simply at the end of my tether and do not know what to do or what I'm entitled to do. It sounds sad but I just feel used and abused. What options do I have? Is it legal or nothing at all?
The only other thing to add is that aside from the above, she definitely loves our boy, she'd never see him go without, he'll always come first - she's not a bad mother, just irresponsible and immature with money and sporadically nasty to me when it comes to the little man.
Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.
J
Comments
You sound exhausted and frustrated by the whole situation - however it is clear that you are both loving parents with your sons welfare being paramount so I am sure you will work this out.
As your son is now 5 years old it does not seem unreasonable to ask to spend more time with him - I wonder why your ex partner is objecting to this? Does she give any reasons? If you cannot come to an amicable agreement about this it would be a good idea to try mediation where you will be helped to come up with a parenting plan. If this fails then you could go to court but it's really a last resort as you're more likely to fall out with your ex partner and it's very costly.
As far as her finances are concerned - maybe you could help her look at her budget and then agree to what you are going to pay and stick to it rather than you having to pay one off massive bills.
There are some really good articles that could help you on this site and I have listed the ones below which you might find particularly useful:
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/fathers-legal-rights-and-responsibilities
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/family-mediation
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/child-maintenance
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/common-barriers-to-making-it-work
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/five-steps-to-a-successful-family-based-arrangement
I hope you manage to get this sorted out - let us know how you get on.
Not sure what you're most worried about? Is it her financial mismanagement or the time you get to spend with your son? If she's only sporadically nasty to you (!) presumably there are times when you're getting on reasonably ok? Why don't you wait for a time when things feel quite calm and ask to meet her for a general review of the situation - perhaps you could agree a different way of doing things.......
Hi
Sounds like you're saying you can't take responsibility for your ex's management of her finances now you've separated, you want your relationship with your son to be consistent and you don't want your responses to her requests for money to threaten that relationship. Maybe you can talk when things are on a good footing, let her know that you don't want to use the legal route and would much rather make sure you can get those things firmly in place between you. If I was her I'd appreciate hearing the good stuff you said in the last paragraph too - sometimes it's easy just to hear the critical bits!
Btw, I don't think there's any problem with claiming Income Support / Housing Benefit while receiving child support - as far as I know the rules changed a while back so you're not part of anything dodgy there!
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Hi There, Just wondering if anything has changed for you since June 14th in relation to your ex and how you both share parenting your son. I hope things are getting better for you....you sound like a very caring Dad!