its not amicable and getting worse dont know what to do next
my husband and i seperated just over 6 months ago its firery between us, i have had to report his sister for harrassment and i keep a journal of his messages and txts and his mum still drives past looking in at the house at me. we have so many issued but the newest one being that he has told me he jacked his job in as hes paid me to much anyway and that hes gone self employed his words to me were of course i'll make a loss in the first year so hence that means hes not paying for maintanence!!. he previously had good job worked weekend shifts and had the two children twice in the week overnight which i never really liked as my eldest is 5 and i feel it disrupts her school week. i have made the offer of one night in the week and to have them alternate weekends saturday afternoon till 5 on a sunday. He has said no he has work. I feel so angry as he says hes self emloyed i dont believe him (he commebnted he could have the kids all week! ) and feel this is aimed at me as he knows i am moving on with my life and would be out and about at a weekend. he says he works self employed as a contractor and weekends till march i know him and this isnt adding up to me. i am due to see solicitor next week re house and divorce i wanted us to reach an agreement about kids without going to court but dont know whats best. i feel my request is a compromise i work all week and due to txtx and comments from him about priorities i have felt bullied to reduce my hours so i now do 3 days rather than 5 so i willl have the kids all week and every weekend apart from one night ??? am i being unreasonable ????
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So glad you find the website useful. You've probably already found some articles that are helpful but I thought these links are worth looking at as they're relevant to your situation. If only you could get your ex to read them!
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/dealing-with-anger
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/how-to-manage-disagreements
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/communication
i appreciate the responses and after finding a smashed photo of us clearly stamped on in the garage after he took some more of his stuff i am realising that it is anger that is doing this i will keep stong for my kids this has to stop sooner or later i know now. this site is amazing for people to be able to speak and and not only be listened to but understood and when you feel like your alone as i have done i suddenly remember i am not the only one to be going through seperation. x
It sounds really tough for all of you at the minute. Before you separated,you probably had in your mind what you hoped it would be like when you did separate..and I bet it was nothing like this. You obviously have your children's welfare as your priority as you move on. It might be helpful to you to click on 'helpful topics' on the above left where you will find 'Tips for helping you communicate with your ex' and 'common barriers to making it work' I have cut and pasted a section below to give you a flavour of what it says.
'If your ex is making communication difficult it is tempting to respond in kind. The risk is that bad feelings and behaviour easily escalate. Remember that you have the power to influence the other parent's behaviour even if you can't control it. It may be that your ex is going through a tough patch. Provided that you stick to your original goal of focusing on the children's needs and remain patient you'll hopefully get through it without doing too much damage to your co-parenting relationship.'
I know you are at the worst part of separating now but maybe the articles will at least give you clear ideas on how you would like your co-parenting relationship to work. I hope the visit to the solicitor helps to clarify the way forward at least in the short term.
sorry to hear what you're going through emmajane. He doesn't know what effect he's having on his daughter does he. I'm guessing you left him and he's angry? At some point he'll get tired of all the anger and arguments. Stay strong.
he told me straight up thats why he was going self emplyed he used to be years ago and never declared cash jobs. i do feel anger at this towards him as he is obviosly in control and making it so he cant have them alternate weekends. currently i keep a journal as there was police involvememt when we first split. i have been told by many he is still trying to control me the txtx ans messages i have i could easily have reported him for harrassment to. he speaks to me horribly infront of the children called me a tramp infront of our daughter, he cant help but be nasty and hurtful then send nice txtx and even jokes !!!. i couldnt face having to go through mediation knowing whats happened between us during this 6 months he plays mind games with me. i have sought health visitors advice been given womens aid if i need to talk. i seem to stay strong for so long then feel like he knocks me down. my daughter does want to see him i am very honest with her as she has witnessed our arguments and me upset and i want it to stop i know it needs to for her sake - why doesnt he realise this ??
Sorry to hear that things are firery between you and your ex. The latest news about his employment haven't helped matters. Do you suspect he's gone self employed to reduce the money he pays you?
It sounds quite confusing about when he wants to see the children - is he really saying he only wants the children one overnight a week? I think your offer of alternate weekends and one night in the week is reasonable. Unfortunately, you can't force a parent to spend more time with their children but most dad's complain that they don't get enough time! Surely he gets some time off....you could do with a bit of time off from the children yourself.
I agree you should avoid court as a way of sorting the children out - that really is the last resort. Have you thought about using mediation?
Don't let this get you down - as you'll have found out this last 6 months the whole separation process feels v slow and there's lots of setbacks but you will be making progress. Worries about the house and finances can make things worse and there's often a bit of game playing going on to try to get the upper hand. Remember that if he cares for the children, he'll do the right thing for them in the end. It's just that he might not want to make it easy for you in the meantime. Try to rise above it.
It's good you're seeing a solicitor next week