My partner's children are badly behaved
Hi there, I've been with my partner for 4 years now. He is 10 years older than me and has two kids aged 9 and 14.
When we first met things were difficult because of his age and I admitted that I wanted my own children at some point in life. He was quite adamant that this was fine. Now 3 years on (after buying a house) he tells me he never wants to be married again or have anymore kids. This caused a lot of upset between us and rows lasted for months. Things have settled down again now but only because I back down. He says I'm always in the wrong and I get fed up of him putting me down when I try to tell.
So now I’m just plodding along with life. His kids come to stay every other weekend. Its becoming clear that our upbringings are very different, he doesn’t like to discipline his kids. In fact this weekend they've been completely spoilt rotten and I can’t bear it. The youngest runs around screaming and watches cartoons. He went to bed at 12pm and had us all up at 6am playing loudly and watching TV.
The teenage daughter upsets me every weekend by being moody with me no matter how nice I am. She reminds me constantly that I’m not her mum. I have to encourage my partner to discipline them if they are playing up, as he'll usually just leave them to it.
I work full time and like any other person I like to have a rest at the weekend. I love my partner to bits, and when the kids aren't around we are great. But every time they're here we always end up arguing. There's only so much I can take. But is there another way i can express to my partner how i feel without him becoming defensive? As soon as i say something he just gets angry and eventually tells me to leave him.
Comments
It sounds to me that you could do with some help as a couple here. Clearly neither of you wants to end up arguing each time you have the children. Have you considered relationship counselling. You have moved on to a different stage in your relationship since you first got together., ...If you click on the couple connection window on the One Plus One home page you will find really useful material e.g 'Stages of relationships' . How you model being able to deal with the children as a couple will also help them in the future to manage their relationships. Its a tough situation and I hope the very good times in between give you the energy and enthusiasm to tackle this together.
Once you get the chaos with your stepchildren sorted out it will be a great help. It still seems you're going to have to make a choice between your love for your partner and your desire to have children. You say your partner is telling you that you are always in the wrong - do you really believe that? It's also very unkind of him to put you down constantly and I think you really need to consider if he is the right man for you. However if you do decide you want to stay take a look at thecoupleconnection.org.uk site which had lots of interesting articles and insights about couples working their relationships out. Good luck!
When I first read your post, I wondered why on earth you were staying with no possibility of having your own child and chaos with the stepchildren. However, on a second reading you 'love him to bits and when the kids aren't around we are great' stood out. Since the kids are only around every other weekend it sounds like you are great most of the time.
The problem seems to be in accommodating different ways of bringing children up and the inevitable 'big' problems like the anger and jealousy experienced by your stepdaughter. You will know how important it is for her to feel special in your fathers' eyes. The big question is whether it is asking too much of yourself to be the person who helps her re-establish her security in that relationship. This is not a small ask. I remember how moody and rebellious I was as a teenager. If you go back to the parent connection homepage there are some good tips on here. Maybe this might give you a way of managing the kids together.