my son wants to go on a sleepover but its his time with his Dad
My 13 year son wants to go to his best mates sleepover but its his overnight stay with his Dad. I have offered to collect my son in the morning and take him to his Dad's until early evening so he still sees him. His Dad has gone mad and said he cant go and if he does dont bother bring the kids here again and he is threatening to take me to court. I have two daughters, age 10 and 6 who are not bothered about sleeping over and these arrangements have only been in place for 4 weeks and he has said they are now in the 'bin'. I left him 3 years ago because he was a bully and a control freak and occasionally got violent infront of my kids and I still feel that he is inside my head. I have had abusive text messages all morning and don't know where to turn. I have already involved the police last year because of constant harrassing text messages but i'm scared about involving the police again because of where it may lead. When he sends me horrible messages he sends my son the same. I know thats wrong, but what can I do? I dont want to stop my kids having a relationship with him, but surely my son should be able to spend the night celebrating his friends birthday with all his mates, as a social activity. When my ex has them he does nothing with them anyway and they are all bored.
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My ex has now stopped all sleepovers and hasn't seen them all weekend either, yet he has sent them emotional messages all week to both our nine and 13 yr old saying how much he misses them and loves them?? They wanted to watch a footy match at a friends house instead of with him yesterday morning he has told them that there will be no birthday presents in two weeks time, no more phone top-ups, nothing from him whatsoever. I received a text at 4am today mocking me about going to court. He has been seeing them on a Sunday for a few hours but told them that he didnt want to see them today because they let him down yesterday and he didnt turn up to watch our son play footy today either. He is refusing to attend mediation with me or alone so Im guessing court is the only answer now. Im going to phone my solicitor tomorrow. Its been 3 years now and nothing has improved.
Hi Jackie,
You must be so stressed out by your ex's attitude. It's interesting and very mature of your 13 year old not to take what his dad says at face value.
You're absolutely right though that this has to stop. You need a plan about parenting time that everyone agrees to and then sticks with. It may be difficult to believe given his behaviour, but your ex may have worries about his role as a dad that he wants to get sorted out too. However, his way of fixing it (to call all the shots) is wrong and isn't going to work.
The court is a last resort for parents. I would suggest that you try to see if you can work something out between you before you go down that route. Mediation is the best way for most parents, even those where there's lots of difficulties. As I don't have full details of your situation I'd suggest that you have an initial meeting by yourself with a mediator. The mediator will help you decide whether mediation is suitable or not. He or she will also point you in the direction of legal advice if this looks like it would be more appropriate. Go to www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk to find your nearest service or www.nfm.org.uk. Some mediation services offer legal aid so if you qualify the mediation is free. Mediation has a good success rate. Most parents say they wish they'd tried it earlier.
I hope you have a better week this week - stay in touch.
Thanks for your comments. He wanted my two daughters today but not my son, so thats whats happened. He has now sent a message saying he will not be taking them on holiday because he feels let down by them and he will be going on his own and will stop taking my son to footy. Ive asked my son how he feels and he just says Dad is playing games. My youngest is 6 yrs old, and my husband now want arrangements on an ad-hoc basis at the weekends. I seriously cannot have it this way for the next ten years, as we have had it like this for the last 3 years and I never know from one weekend to the next what is happening. The kids need a routine. I need a routine. I want to stop all these text messages too, sometimes I feel like i'm drowning with it all. How do I stop it? is the next step taking him to court to get some sort of injunction to stop the messages and to get arrangements put in place?
I wouldn't stand for this. Him threatening to take you to court is his way of controlling you - the court would soon understand what was going on here and they would SUPPORT YOU. It sounds like you don't want to get on the wrong side of him but this is about what's right for the children and it's shouldn't be all about him. Honestly - go to http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ or phone them for free 24 hours on 0808 2000 247. You need some support against this bully.
Take care, be strong and remember you're not alone.
This is a very difficult situation for you - it sounds like you have mixed feelings. On the one hand you want your kids to have a relationship with your ex as you know they will benefit from having contact with both parents. You're trying your best not to rock the boat as arrangements have not been in place long. Yet on the other hand it's hard for your son if he has to give up his sleepover with his best mate.
As your son grows older it is only natural he will want to spent more time with his friends so your ex will need to get used to this idea. You could you try explaining this to him in a calm way so he will listen, perhaps show him this article http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/teenagers-and-older-children. Also tell him how upset you and your son are when you receive horrible text messages from him. If you don't get anywhere with this there is no need to put up with abuse of any kind from him. Should the situation deteriorate there are organisations in most areas that deal with domestic volence or you could contact Womens Aid for help and advice.
I really hope you manage to get this sorted out. Let us know how you get on.