paternity & sources of help
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Fri 20, Jul 2012 at 5:09pm
My problem is that I am uncertain about the paternity child (not a toddler). I love and want them all so CSA issues are irrelevant.
However it is crushing me so much that I am stuck (despite seeing a counsellor). I havn't attempted dna tests as even this has many consequences, for the children not least. Also: do I want to know if i love them. Perhaps this is foolish.
Relationship is on the ropes, but wouldn't want it if not real, and not good anyway (got worse with this obviously but before too). I am in despair as it is almost destroying me.
Too many issues perhaps on top of all the standard seperation issues for a simple answer. But any suggestions please do - including any sources of help I can go to.
Thanks
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Comments
You sound like you might be feeling overwhelmed by it all at the minute...am I right? From what you say you are not sure you are the biological father of one of the children you have taken care of with your partner.....you are now separating from your partner and having difficulty in making the decision to find out for sure if the toddler is yours. You clearly love the child as if he or she is yours and intend to contribute to the maintenance of all the children. You do not say how many children are involved.... but it does sound like a very painful situation for you. The underlying issue is perhaps whether your partner betrayed you ...only you can say why it is so crushing. Maybe if you were to say a bit more about what you fear...it might help to shift that feeling of stuckness. There are some good articles and videos on this site which might help you process what you are going through....If you have already separated from your partner the following relationship insight video may help you put some shape on your relationship with your ex. http://theparentconnection.org.uk/relationship_insights/changes-and-stages-of-a-relationship I hope it helps a bit, if it does there are several others you might click on too.
You have 2 very difficult issues; the paternity of the child (is there more than one?) and the breakdown in your relationship. it might help if you kept them both separate first of all. You clearly love this child and I expect he or she loves you so in all the important ways, this relationship is good and healthy. Does it need to change? Neither you or the child have created this situation and personally, I don't think you should let it distract you from being his/her dad.
On the other hand, It sounds like your relationship with the mother has been badly damaged and I expect there's not much trust left. Only the two of you can decide what's going to happen next. I wonder if it's possible for you to carry on loving your child even though, inadvertently, s/he's the cause of the rift between you?
I wonder if anything has changed since you posted on the 20th? You sounded so wounded and in such pain then. I hope the counselling is helping and that you are beginning to see a way forward.