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Worried About My Son Being Taken On Holiday

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Sun 26, Feb 2012 at 10:15pm
Categories:
After Separation

Hello,
I am hoping for some guidance - have just joined this site after reading some of the advice given to others and it seems very helpful.
My ex and myself split up before I found out I was pregnant. I gave him the complete choice of being involved or not and he chose to be involved (on his terms). He is on the birth certificate. I didnt see him for a few months after my son was born but then he rang wanting to have contact. I have never stopped him seeing my son - he usually has him for 1 day a week, sometimes every other week and he has requested having my son overnight 6 times - every time I have said yes - although its incredibly hard. Its just me and my son and we are very close and I know I am probably overly protective of him but I cant help it. My sons father is a bully - I have no doubt that my son has a good time with him - although is always a bit cross with me when he comes home and very clingy with me. He has recently "demanded" that he has my son every other Sunday, overnight which I have agreed to. Today he shouted at me in the street when picking my son up because he "told me" that he was taking him on holiday for 5 days. I said 5 days was a bit long as he is only 3 but he just shouted and shouted at me. It was horrible. My son was in the car so hopefully did not hear him shouting. This is not the first time he has done this. I am so upset and worried and dont know what to do. I know its important for my son to see his father but I object to being spoken to in such a horrible, agressive way. Am I allowed to say no he cant take him for 5 days? I am sorry if I have rambled but Im so upset about this.
I look forward to hearing from you
Thank you very much

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Comments

  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Hello, welcome to the site. I can see why it may be hard for you to let your little boy go to his dad's - you're very close to him, he's still very small and he seems to take time to settle again when he comes back. On top of that you feel your ex has been aggressive to you in front of him, you may even feel that this is abusive, and I think others might agree.
    So, given all that, you're wise to be cautious about the holiday proposal just now although I can see that you haven't ruled it out when your son is more used to being with his father overnight. I would also urge you to think about how your feelings may be affecting your little boy. What does he see written on your face when he comes back from his Dads or, perhaps more importantly, when you hand him over to him?
    I'd be interested to know what other users think.

    Mon 27, Feb 2012 at 9:17am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello
    Thank you so much for your post. I do try really hard to be positive about my sons father to him and have never said anything negative to him or in front of him as I dont want my son effected by our failings (as much as I struggle inside with that). I know that my son will pick up on feelings as we are very close and as you say my facial expressions sometimes will give my true feelings away (he has seen me cry on one occasion after a nasty phone call from his father and I felt terrible) but I do try to say only positive things to him so that it will help him and make it easier for him - I only want him to have happiness around him. I understand that it will be good for my son to have a positive relationship with his father and I will hopefully always be adult enough to encourage and support that. My worry is about the way in which he speaks (shouts) at me - and yesterday shouting at me in front of my son - demanding that he can just take him away for 5 days and not listening to me and my reasons. I really dont want him to take him for that long - he's just 3 years old and I think this would be extremely unsettling for him - I think 2 or 3 nights at the most is fair but I dont know how I stand legally to say no to the 5 days. There really is no reasoning with him - he does not take "instruction" from a female very well - especially when it is not to his way. I hope someone can help me as I am worrying myself sick about this. Ive never been spoken to like this by anyone in my entire life. Im trying to do whats right by my son but I cant continue dealing with this tyrant. I hope you can help me. Thank you again.

    Mon 27, Feb 2012 at 10:34am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi there...

    Holiday: 'No'.

    Your ex needs to speak to you with some respect, demanding and being inconsistent is not helping your son. Your son WILL pick up on this behaviour and think it's OK.

    I'm all for contact, maybe you and your partner need to meet up without your child to discuss contact and draw up a schedule. If you're too scared (i know what that's like) take someone with you or get a solicitor to draw up ideas and also address the way he speaks to you.

    You need to set things out so there's no chance for him to be abusive. Once you've established clear, calm communication with your ex then, maybe holidays can happen. You need to be able to communicate freely about anything relating to your son and BE HEARD. Holidays, your talking passport, insurance - where are they staying, who's travelling with them etc...Here's not hearing you out at all at the moment so i would stand your ground.

    Hope that makes sense - my ex sees our son all the time. We have a great friendship - it took a while to get there and sometimes you have to bite the bullet, back down, swallow pride and in your case, stand your ground and air your concerns. Good luck X

    Mon 27, Feb 2012 at 4:27pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello, thank you for your post, that all makes sense. I hope that one day it is possible to have an adult, respectful relationship with my sons father but right now I really cant see that ever happening. Things flared up a couple of years ago now when he kept turning up with a horrible attitude and with different women and I did see a solicitor then - they told me not to be alone with him and to keep a diary of everything (which I did for a bit but have been a little lapse in the last few months as I thought he had "changed") and he was allowed to see my son every other sunday from 10am until 6pm to be reviewed once he had proved consistency. I think I have no choice but to go to a solicitor again which I cant really afford but I cant see any other way. Im just too scared of him flaring up at me in front of my son again and he wont hear or respect anything Im saying so it just feels pointless. I was shaking yesterday when he was shouting and couldnt stop, Im sure when he saw me shaking it gave him some sort of power hit. I hope I find a positive solution to this nightmare soon. Thank you for your wise words, it has really helped.

    Mon 27, Feb 2012 at 9:42pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi

    Firstly, you certainly don't need to excuse your ex's behavoiur or the fact that it bothers you. I might be way off the mark but it sounds like you've tended to accommodate him to avoid this aggressive behavour. And I'm not sure it's helping. That's not a criticism of you, I'm sure you're doing it as you don't want your son to see conflict, but you're already worrying about what he might pick up on at age three. What about as he grows older, will he get the message that it's ok to be a bully if he can get away with it?

    How about letting his dad know that you're prepared to discuss things like holidays when you feel he treats you with respect as a parent? Consistently! That might feel pretty scary, but it's not about you being aggressive, just about being clear what's important. In the long run you'd be offering your son another model of how to respond to conflict. You might want some support. If you feel that having someone else in the room would help you speak to each other in a different way you could try mediation. You'd have a meeting on your own first to check it's suitable. Then you'd have the chance to put together a parenting plan about the arrangements for your son going forward, so you both give your views rather than one person dictating.

    There, I've rambled too! ;-) Good luck, whatever you decide.

    Wed 29, Feb 2012 at 9:41am

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