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A complication situation..

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Tue 3, Apr 2012 at 1:25pm
Categories:
After Separation

Hi all,

About two and a half years ago I met a girl who was from another country in europe, but who was working in the UK. We hit it off and a little over 6 months after we met she moved into my house. A year and a bit after we met we found out that she was pregnant. At the time she told me she wanted to have the child and I supported that choice. So we spent the 9 months preparing, during which time she seemed to become increasingly critical of me, to the point that it felt like whatever I did she would not be pleased. Perhaps this was a sign of her being fundamentally unhappy. Yet at times everything would be fine, even good. The birth was not an easy one, she was a long time overdue and lost a lot of blood during the delivery which took most of a day, but our son was healthy and well. In the imediate aftermath she seemed even more critical, even hate filled towards me. With hindsignt and having done some reading I would guess that she perhaps went through pre natel and post natal depression. How much this is my fault I don't know. At the time although I knew something was wrong I did not know how to help. She is quite stuborn and not generally receptive to going to doctors and finds it difficult to ask for help. I did try to talk to her mother and sister, both of which I know reasonably well from visiting her family, but this was not well received. So I just tried to be there for her and support her by doing what I could to help.

Five weeks after our son was born she told me she wanted to go to her home country to be with her mother etc for christmas. Three weeks was mentioned. I did not have enough holiday from work left, so could not go. I thought this might help her as she(we) had also struggled looking after our son for the five weeks following the birth as he is a first child for both of us, plus she was still recovering from the birth. She found breast feeding particually hard and was sometimes bordering on histerical when I came home from work. After she left I tried to call, every day but got no answer for 2 weeks at which point it became clear all was generally not well with our reltionship. We talked some and in the end I went out there to help her bring the baby stuff back, in all she and our son were gone for two and half months. I stayed out there for a week at her mothers house(who was away) and things seemed to be better and we got on ok, barring her being critical of me around our son sometimes. Given that I hadn't seen him for two+ months I was not as good as her at caring for him or knowing the routines. We then travelled back to the UK. The day after we arrived back she broke up with me saying she was no longr happy and did not love me anymore. But she said she would stay in the UK, look for a job and move out to a flat when she got one.

A week later her sister visited and they went out drinking while I looked after out son. They arrived back at 3ish in the morning at which point she became histerical and spend about an hour sobbing sitting on the stairs with her sister trying to calm her down. The next day she told me she was leaving with our son in 5 days to go back to her home counrty. I was pretty upset generally, both about the breakdown of the relationship and about my still very young son being taken away. I did talk to a lawyer who suggested the possibility of an injunction to prevent her taking our son from the country temporarily at least. However I could see that this wouldn't really of been in anyone's best interests except perhaps my own in the short term. So I took no action and drove them to the airport that friday.

Before going she made me quite alot of assurances, about for example keeping the online baby tracker we where using updated, told me I could see our son in May when she was returning for her sister's graduation, told me she wanted me involved in our son's life and that she would try to move back to this country when she could get a suitable job.

Since they have left she hasn't really stuck to what she said and now won't allow me to see our son other than by going to her home country(she is staying at her mums house) where she will allow me supervised access. I was pretty devastated when I drove them to the airport, saying goodbye to our baby boy was horrible. On the whole I just don't know what to do, I earn ok I guess but by the time I have paid my mortgage and bills I don't think I could afford more than one trip per month to her home country and even that would be quite difficult. Talking to her now(mainly by email) I really get the impression that she hates me, but I am unsure why, she obviously feels that I let her down, but it is amazing that she can go from telling me she loves me to hating me over the course of a few weeks. I am concerned about what her feelings toward me will mean for me being able to have reasonable, meaningful contact with our son.

Any general advice would be appreiciated. I assume I do not really have any rights, especially as she is in another country. What are my obligations? How should I approach the situation? Everytime I have contact with her I am treading on eggshells for fear of endagering furture acess to my son, but I feel let down that she has not stuck to the promises she made before leaving. One of these promises was that she would teach our son at least a basic level of english, which from my point of view means the difference between being able to converse with him or not. If I am going to be able to have unsupervised access at some point I need to be able to tell him not to do things he shouldn't etc. Really any advice would be greatfully received, this feels like it has all happened so quickly and the life I thought was coming has changed to one that seems quite likely to be very difficult.

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    You may want to obtain some legal advice on whether you can apply for securing rights of access under the Hague convention .

    Tue 3, Apr 2012 at 5:13pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi
    You're obviously making sure you look at this from both sides and have you've tried to support your son's mum as much as you can, recognising her need to be with her family. It sounds like things feel quite raw still, and that your relationship as a couple hasn't fully been separated out from your relationship as parents. I'm guessing the message you want to give is that it's important to you now that you can be there for your son - you want to support him and for him to be able to know you.

    A friend of mine was in this situation and he now sees his daughter regularly - it's not cheap and he and her mum had a hard time sorting it out at first. I think you've done a good job at trying to keep reasonable communication with his mum - can you arrange to meet and talk and make a proper plan for how you'll both be part of his life? You could use a parent plan like this one as a structure, so you can both think about the questions in advance, even though it won't all be relevant. http://www.education.gov.uk/consultations/downloadableDocs/planner_draft.pdf

    Take care of yourself too - it can be a stressful time and support / listening from others will help you focus on what you need to when you're talking to his mum. There's a listening room on this site too if you need it.

    Wed 4, Apr 2012 at 7:32am
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thanks for the replies.

    At the moment I think I just have to wait and see if she gives me reasonable access to our son. Yes things from my perspective are still quite raw(wrote a lot more than I intended in the original post..), but there are bad days, and less bad days. Things are really out of my hands at the moment so I guess all I can do it keep busy and see how things pan out. I will go and visit my son under hers terms soon. Kind of scared this will make things harder as I'll have to leave again but it's the only choice I have.

    Wed 4, Apr 2012 at 3:13pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I just wondered how things are going for you, you seemed so stoical in your response to what sounds like a very painful situation to find yourself in. It is about a month since you said you were going to visit soon on 'her terms' , and wondered if you had managed to do that and if it had worked out. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

    Fri 4, May 2012 at 5:28pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Hi,

    Things have not really improved much.. She is not really honouring any of the promises she made before leaving. Nearly all the communication between us has been by email. She has accused me of being 'hostile' due to my response to her not sticking to what she originally told me, I didn't think I was being hostile, I just felt let down. She now says that when I go out to visit I will have to stay in a hotel, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth as it will almost double the cost. Basically she is allowing me access, but doing the least possible to enable it. Apparently if he goes to sleep in the day I have to leave the house and only return when he has woken up. She has agreed to a skype call tomorrow, so I'm currently trying to think about what I should ask, any suggestions would be appreciated..

    It very much looks like being a bit of a fight for me to stay part of his life. I think maybe she has decide it would be easier for her to not have me coming to visit because she can make a cleaner start, maybe find another guy who will effectively replace me as our son's father.

    I've been saving up and will go out to visit very soon(this month). I reckon it's going to cost me £500+ for a two day visit, but if that's the way it is I'll have to pay it.

    He'll be 6 months old in a few days, at least I'll get to spend a bit of time with him, even if the environment is not one I'd choose.

    Sat 5, May 2012 at 5:56pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Thanks for letting us know how things are going.
    You're in quite an awkward situation, aren't you, visiting your son in these circumstances. Well done for sticking with it. Let's hope it gets easier - that's usually how it is.
    As for the Skype call, try and stick to talking about your child, try not to get into discussion about 'unfinished business' between you and your ex. You don't want the conversation to turn into a row. Keep to finding out how your little boy is getting on so you are up to date with his progress when you eventually get to see him. Try and work on a plan with your ex about how you're going to make your visits work. My suggestion is that you don't over-commit yourself over visiting. If you find you have to step back because of cost etc, it won't look good. Better to start with a modest plan and build up, if you can manage it.
    Here's a link to an article on this site that might help you:
    http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/tips-for-helping-you-communicate-with-your-ex
    Good luck, let us know how it goes,

    Sat 5, May 2012 at 7:55pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thanks for asking :) I've been talking to my mum and dad a lot, but am starting to feel bad about how much of their time I am taking up. After ex and son left the house felt very empty, was good just to talk to people sometimes.

    The skype call didn't go particularly well, the first half an hour was quite ok while we talked about our son, but somehow we got onto talking about our previous relationship and she ended up shouting and thumping the laptop for next half an hour(she has quite a temper). When talking to my ex it is quite difficult to avoid the unfinished business - she still has a load of her stuff at my house and seems quite bitter about a fair few things. After living together for 2 years or so there is quite a lot to sort out. She did state that she will either stay in her home country or return to the uk at the end of her maternity leave. I suspect she will stay at home. It's all very well talking of moving to London to work at an international company(she speaks several languages). But practically it is going to be very expensive and really hard work for her to hold down a full time job and look after our son when he's not at nursery, without much support in this country. Back home she has her mum to help at least. Meanwhile she says she does not want to be friends with me and will only be civil to me for our son's sake. I don't really understand this, seems to me it is in everyone's best interest if we could be friends, still not entirely clear what she is so angry with me about. There are a few minor things but seem to me like their is a larger unspoken issue. Bizarrely we (I thought) broke up on quite good terms, but in the month and a half of not seeing each other she just seems to have got angrier with me, maybe just sitting around stewing on things - I don't know.

    Since then I've also done a skype call with our son present, it's really good to see him. Although a little hard to really interact,- he's 6 months old today. She seems willing to do other skype calls with our son present so this is good news. Her sister is collecting her stuff from my house soon, so hopefully this will be one less thing for her to be annoyed about. She is unwilling to budge for now on me having to stay in a hotel when I visit.. guess I'll just have to pay and hope that next time she is willing to provide me with a bed for the night. I'm only upset about this because of it nearly doubling the cost and meaning it will be even longer before I can next go.

    Tue 8, May 2012 at 11:37am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    have just come across your article and it struck a chord as my brother was in a similar position . it is great that she is willing to use skype as at least you will be able to see your little boy and know what he looks like even if he cant interact yet . looks like you made the classic mistake ... stay clear of the talking about the relationship .. it always ends in disastor .. stick to talking about your little boy for the time being .
    my only advice to you from watching my brothers experience is to be patient ... always respect her as your sons mother ( even if it feels tough ) and don't set your aims too high . you might never be friends but you might have a good enough relationship so at least you can share stuff about your son .
    maybe when you a re over you can have a look around for cheaper accommodation or she may be able to recommend soemwhere . My brother felt like giving up often but he stuck with it and has a great relationship with his kids now and even speaks positively of their mum which was unheard of in the first few years of their separation !
    I wish you all the best

    Tue 8, May 2012 at 5:27pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thanks for the last reply..

    I'm off on friday to visit for the first time, it's been nearly 3 months since I saw our son. Part of me is really looking forward to it, part of me dreading it. Things between his mother and myself haven't really gotten any better, she tells me 'We will never be friends' and 'that she can't help but feel I am not good enough for him'. Truthfully I do not understand where this incredibly negative attitude towards me comes from. Often it feels like she just enjoys saying things that hurt me. Her attitude towards me seems to be continually getting worse over time, despite my not having seen her.

    I'm going to try and take your advice and avoid talking about anything other than our son while I am there. She has previously said that on subsequent visits I can stay as long as I like and stay at her mother's house, I really don't want to do anything to endanger this. Although she has been pretty successful in finding reasons to not stick to other things she has said.

    A weekend of walking on eggshells and spending as much time with our son as possible awaits.

    Wed 30, May 2012 at 11:27am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I really hope your visit goes well - you are showing so much love for your son and your strength and determination to be there for him is admirable. I'm sure your son will thank you for this when he grows older. Remember to let us know how you get on.

    Wed 30, May 2012 at 4:48pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    I arrived late saturday afternoon, the general reception was fairly luke warm, which I kind of expected. Her mum was in her room and didn't come and say hello for a while and my ex basically just said 'here he is' and disappeared. But that was ok, I got to play with him for several hours. I was nervous that having been away from him so long I'd have trouble interacting, but he's so easy to play with and make smile. I gave him the present I had got for him.

    When he went to sleep I left and went to the hotel I had booked. My ex suggested 9am would be the best time for me to come the next day.

    I arrived on time and played/interacted with our son for a few hours until he went to sleep. At which time I left the house - my ex had previously suggested I should leave whenever he was sleeping. I was determined to always offer to do this, rather than having to be asked to leave. I went back in an hour as suggested, at which point her mother answered the door, apparently both my ex and our son were still asleep, so I offered to leave again, but her mother said I could come in and wait. So I did. When my ex woke she had a go at me for several things,- new cloths, ipad(borrowed from work) and work I had done on my house which she knew about from when her sister had collected stuff. The implication being the money should have been spent on our son. I tried to not argue because the last thing I wanted was for there to be hostility or confrontation.

    I again was able to play with our son for a good few hours. He's capable of a lot more interaction than when I last saw him. My ex and I also took him for a walk in the afternoon, during which for a while she looked like she was trying really hard not to cry, but I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to say. Again I left when he napped and came back for the evening. During the evening my ex suggested that the three of us go out the next day, maybe to the coast. I was quite surprised by this as she had seemed to want to keep me at arms length and this under the circumstances seems quite an intimate thing to do. I was really trying to behave appropriately, If not clear from other posts, I still love her and would like nothing better that for us to get back together and be a family. But she has made it clear that this is not what she wants, so I tried to behave in a way that would not make things any more awkward for her. I'd also noticed she had been wearing a necklace that was the first present I gave her all weekend,- sounds silly but it's really hard not to take this as some kind of sign that she still has feelings, even though really I know this is not the case.

    The next day she was warmer towards me and we both played with our son in the morning. Then we left for the coast, however it was a bit windy so we decided to get a bus into the city. Again I was surprised that she would do this, felt almost like we were a family again(I clearly still have some issues!). Once in the center all we did was have something to eat and then sit in a square and have a coffee before heading back. When we got back she suggested we could sit outside in the sun, with our son, so we did and gave him some little bits of strawberry, which he loves!

    A bit later it was time for him to go to bed and I kinda said goodbye to him, trying not to to show how hard it was. However my ex could not get him to sleep(think he was over tired, had been quite a big day for him too). She suggested I go and sit in their room with him, which I was again surprised at as she had previously said I shouldn't go in there. I sat with him for a while but I got upset knowing that I was soon going to have to leave so I came out and told her I was worried about him sensing that I was upset(she also looked like she had been crying at this point). She again went to try and get him to sleep. Half an hour later she came out and said she was just singing to him and I could go and sit with them. Again surprised at this. They were on the bed so I sat of the far end away from them, purposely because I was scared to get into too intimate a situation. She suggested I come and sit closer, so I went and sat with her with our son rolling around between us(he's kind of on the verge of learning to crawl). Maybe I shouldn't have done this, sounds stupid but for half an hour or so it felt like we were a proper family. Eventually she got him off to sleep. Then started to cry saying that she didn't want to do this alone and that it was so hard. I had no idea how to react, instinct said to go and put my arms round her, but head said to keep my distance as she is obviously pretty mixed up and I don't want to upset her and endanger further visits. So I just went and ut my hand on her arm and told her she was doing such a good job(which she is, she is amazing with our son). We chatted a bit more and then I left to travel home.

    So.. I got through the whole visit without doing anything inappropriate,- I think. But then stupidly while waiting for the train I sent her a message saying I wanted them both back. I was tired, emotional, upset at again not knowing when I will see our son next. God it's hard not to take small things as a sign that everything might just be able to go back to how i want it to be. I've not heard from her since. Also sent another message just saying thanks for the weekend and apologising for the 'still love you message'. Gah, I'm such an idiot, got through the whole 3 day visit fine and then mess it all up with a text message!

    Wed 6, Jun 2012 at 9:53am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It's sounds like the visit went really well - you have done great. Please don't beat yourself up for getting emotional and sending the text message, after all it's not like you had a row with her - all you did was let her know you still cared and there is nothing wrong with that. I would give yourself a big pat on the back - the main thing was you got to spend time with your son and start to build your relationship up. You behaved impeccably and managed to avoid all conflict which was what you set out to do.

    You are also starting to adjust to the new situation you are all in. That adjustment was obviously hard for your ex too and maybe she is having one or two regrets as she is finding out what it's like to be a single parent. This would be brought into sharp focus when you were spending time together as a family unit . However it makes it all the more difficult for you when she sends out mixed messages and I think you did well to react as you did by keeping your distance yet at the same time remaining supportive, so as not to endanger further visits, as your ex does sound very volatile.

    Keep on sticking in there and let us know how you are getting on.

    Fri 8, Jun 2012 at 9:56am
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thankyou for the reply, it's really good to have input from someone who is detached from the situation. I am really grateful that you are prepared to give up your time to help a stranger.

    I should view the visit as a success I guess. My ex also said that I and my family are welcome to visit for our son's birthday, which is nice. My mum/dad have only met him once.

    When we talked I also said I wanted my next visit to be for longer and she, to my surprise, said she thought this was a good idea. She also said it would be better when her mum was away(they have a summer house).

    These are both positives, just a bit gutted that since I left we still haven't done a skype call. I was really hoping to keep this up so that our son doesn't forget me again.

    Thanks again for the encouragement, I will persist (carefully) in my attempts to be part of his life! Regarding her being volatile, that is definitely true.. I have wondered in the past if she could be bipolar.

    Fri 8, Jun 2012 at 10:51am
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Since I visited at te beginning of June, things seem to have gotten worse again. My ex has backed out of most of the things she said when I visited. I have been attempting to get her to commit to allowing me monthly contact with our son, but currently she does not seem to want to do this. Obviously having to accomodate me for a couple of days a month would be somewhat of an inconvenience for her, but compared to my costs and 6hr journey doesn't really seem that much to ask.

    She told me I could not visit in july as they were 'too busy', which I know is not really true. She knows I know this, but just doesn't really seem to care at all anymore. She just says what she has to to fob me off.

    I am told I will not be welcome to stay in the house when I visit our son,- making it even more expensive.. trying to put me off?

    After I told my ex that I wanted to visit our son on a monthly basis she was clearly not keen. So I asked if she had any suggestions of how we proceed. She replied with two:
    * The first being that I don't see my son at all until he is old enough to understand the situation - clearly her preference
    * The second being that if I insist on regular contact that it be limited in duration to perhaps 3hrs a day for now, which I guess is fair enough, I don't want to do anything that might be bad for our son.

    I have managed to get her to commit to allowing me to visit in august. I've booked flights for the 17th-20th.

    Does anybody ave any suggestions as to what to do to secure access to our son? She is clearly trying to be difficult and drag things out, probably in the hope I will give up.. so she can start totally afresh. But I don't think this is right, she choose to have a child with me and I want to be part of our son's life.

    One option I have is to move to her home country(finland), which would mean I would likely be able to see our son on a weekly basis. Plus would save me a fair bit of money on regular travel. However I don't speak the language which may or may not be a problem in finding work(i'm in IT).

    Frankly I'd prefer for her just to commit to allowing me monthly contact for now and then consider moving when our son is older. But she seems to have convinced herself it is better for our boy not to see me(it's funny how things that she wants often seem to be portrayed as 'in his best interest'). Sigh.

    Fri 13, Jul 2012 at 4:14pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Oh dear - one step forward; one step backwards.

    I really admire your determination and tolerance. That you'd consider moving to Finland really shows how committed you are.
    This alone is giving your ex a really important message - which is that you aren't going to give up and you don't agree that walking away would be best for your son. I really hope that she and her family see what sacrifices you're prepared to make and try to help you out a bit more.

    Sun 15, Jul 2012 at 12:10pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thanks for the reply. Indeed, there have been lots of steps but nothing seems to have moved.

    I really miss our boy, so I can't really take any credit for determination. I just love spending time with him and would do pretty much anything to make that possible. Missing most of his first year is a real killer. As his dad, I am responsible for him, despite what's happened between his mother and I. If I am not in regular contact with him I can't be sure that he is ok. I've thought about this a lot and I can't just walk away from him.

    When I visit in august I'm going to do my best not to leave without some kind of agreement in place, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want some kind of guarantee of a certain level of contact with our son. If my ex cannot(or will not) provide any level of assurance that she will enable our son and I to have regular contact going forward then I will likely look to move to finland, where fathers are by law allowed regular contact with their kids.

    Thu 19, Jul 2012 at 11:17am
  • Pc Bern Flag

    I do hope the visit in August goes well. I agree that you need to have some certainty and reassurance about future contact. I was interested in what you said about fathers in Finland and found this about family mediation there. It looks like it's available for free. It might be worth checking out.

    http://www.om.fi/en/Etusivu/Julkaisut/Esitteet/Perheasioidensovittelu/Kunomatkeinotloppuvat

    Thu 19, Jul 2012 at 3:35pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thank you for the link. If we cannot reach a reasonable agreement in August I will try suggesting this to my ex. I know someone in the uk who works in family mediation and did suggest the possibility of mediation to my ex a while back, but she was not keen on the idea. Perhaps she thought it would be biased, I don't know.

    It's now been about 6 weeks since I saw our son with still three to go. What makes it hardest is that my ex is not willing to tell me how he's doing. She never voluntarily tells me anything and if I specifically ask I get a one sentence reply. I don't really understand why she isn't willig to tell me how he's doing, maybe she is just trying to lesson my involvement by whatever means she can.

    Tue 24, Jul 2012 at 2:40pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thank you for the link. If we cannot reach a reasonable agreement in August I will try suggesting this to my ex. I know someone in the uk who works in family mediation and did suggest the possibility of mediation to my ex a while back, but she was not keen on the idea. Perhaps she thought it would be biased, I don't know.

    It's now been about 6 weeks since I saw our son with still three to go. What makes it hardest is that my ex is not willing to tell me how he's doing. She never voluntarily tells me anything and if I specifically ask I get a one sentence reply. I don't really understand why she isn't willig to tell me how he's doing, maybe she is just trying to lesson my involvement by whatever means she can.

    Tue 24, Jul 2012 at 2:40pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    Thank you for the link. If we cannot reach a reasonable agreement in August I will try suggesting this to my ex. I know someone in the uk who works in family mediation and did suggest the possibility of mediation to my ex a while back, but she was not keen on the idea. Perhaps she thought it would be biased, I don't know.

    It's now been about 6 weeks since I saw our son with still three to go. What makes it hardest is that my ex is not willing to tell me how he's doing. She never voluntarily tells me anything and if I specifically ask I get a one sentence reply. I don't really understand why she isn't willig to tell me how he's doing, maybe she is just trying to lesson my involvement by whatever means she can.

    Tue 24, Jul 2012 at 2:40pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    just caught up with your post. how strange ... it went so well when you were there and it certainly sounded as if she was encouraging you to get involved but yet it can't be sustained when you are apart . what do you think are the reasons for that ?

    Tue 24, Jul 2012 at 5:31pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    I think she finds it a lot easier to be generally nasty when I am just a person she is sending and email or sms to. When I am actually face to face I guess she feels to some degree bad about the situation.

    I've had a load of contact with her again this morning, via sms. Again I have tried to get her to commit to monthly contact, again she has made excuses. She claims due to their hectic life that she can not always promise to allow me to see our boy. But she will give no assurance of anything. What she is basically offering is to allow me to visit him when she feels like it, or when it suits her. I do understand that even is she committed to monthly contact that there would likely be times when this would not be possible, I would just like her to say that she will do her best to make it possible. I'm sure she has important things to do, but surely allowing me to see our boy should also be considered important?

    I am really unsure of how to deal with this. Perhaps my only option is to move out there, or face a future of unknown sporadic contact with our son.

    Wed 25, Jul 2012 at 9:17am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sounds like she is being really selfish and you are being very patient with her. Perhaps when you visit in August you can arrange your next visit - tell her you want to book the flight and don't take no for an answer.

    Wed 25, Jul 2012 at 7:01pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    I have send an email today asking that we attend the mediation suggested by Bern when I visit in august.

    Her initial reply ignored the question and said I could 'take whatever action I wish'. Sigh.

    Considering that all I am asking her to do is allow me to see him for a few hours a day, for a couple of days each month,- I am really quite confused as to why she is so against committing to this. She doesn't have to go anywhere, or do anything really. Just be present, or ask her mum to be present instead.

    Fri 27, Jul 2012 at 9:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I agree totally. Have you suggested to her that she doesn't have to be present but her mum could be instead? At least she hasn't said no to the mediation. Perhaps you should just go ahead and arrange it - I think your best hope is to be as proactive as possible but it is making it such hard work for you - like you are having to push all the time. Try not to be too down-hearted about it though and just remind yourself that you are making progress.

    Fri 27, Jul 2012 at 10:54am
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    She has stated that her mum would handle arrangements for visits and be the one present for visits. I have told her this is fine by me, really I don't care who takes responsibility for this, just so long as I can see our son. I am unsure if her mum was consulted before this offer was made - my suspicion is it was a tactic intended to put me off.. ie she still thinks I want to see her.

    She hasn't said 'no' outright, but her general policy tends to be to avoid difficult questions rather than give a definitive answer. It is incredibly frustrating to often have to ask the same question 5 or 6 times to have any chance of getting an simple yes/no. But I think I'm getting used to it now, I'd probably fall off my chair if she immediately gave a clear concise answer :)

    I do feel like I am pushing all the time. This tends to lead to both of us getting frustrated and result in accusations of my being demanding, while I feel she is being evasive. But what else can I do, they've been gone 4 1/2 months during which time I have seen our son once. He is on my mind all the time, I would just like to reach some kind of resolution that involves my having some kind of guarantee of reasonably frequent and regular contact.

    My dad's partner who happens to be a family mediator herself has seen a lot of the emails between us and helped me draft quite a few of the messages has quite accurately described our ongoing dialogue as 'grim and circular'.

    Fri 27, Jul 2012 at 1:33pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    I wonder does the answer lie in your early post when you said she finds it so much easier to be nastier in an email or text . Although we live in an age with great access to communciation , it can also be our downfall as so much is minterpreted and can lead to confusion as clearly has been the case for you .
    perhaps if you were to sort out mediation when you get there , you may make more progress sitting in a room together . good luck with it and I admire your committment as a father .

    Sun 29, Jul 2012 at 12:24pm
  • User-anonymous gone_abroard Flag

    I am hopeful the mediation will help in making some progress. My ex has grudgingly agreed to attend.

    Yesterday she send me the below link and a long message saying I had been bullying her. Every time I think things can't get worse they do. I have done nothing to bully her, I have just asked her to commit to allowing me regular contact with our son, which she has avoided doing.. so I've kept pushing. I think now I maybe need to just leave it until the mediation.

    http://www.nomas.org/node/244

    Tue 31, Jul 2012 at 1:27pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    " seven-year study by Dallas’s Timberlawn Psychiatric Institute found the one factor that was the most important in helping children become healthy, happy adults, was the quality of the relationship between their parents"

    interesting link and I hope when you attend mediation that you can examine your parent relationship and perhaps with mutual co operation your child will benefit and get the best from his Mum and Dad
    Good luck

    Tue 31, Jul 2012 at 4:05pm