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Abusive dad

Posted by: Anonymous
Thu 4, Jan 2018 at 8:35pm
After Separation

Hi there
I've had an ongoing issue with the kids dad where I lived with domestic abuse for several years and when I'd had a enough and stood up to him he then started being abusive to my eldest daughter. She was self harming and when we told him, big mistake, he told her how to cut properly, that send a massive message to my daughter that he wanted her dead. He didn't have contact with my children after I got a Non-Molestation order as it stopped him contacting me unless it was to do with the children and coming to the house. He said if I didn't change it he wouldn't see the children anymore. I didn't change it and he didn't see the kids for 2 years. He took me to court two years ago and after running me up a heafty solicitors bill, he was allowed to see the children again after CAFCASs had been involved etc. The Court order was very specific about no talking in a derogative manner to he children, exchange was to be made in a public carpark, which I chose as it was opposite the police station, we also had to park quite a few cars away from each other and stay by the car whilst we watch the children walk to each others cars. To this date he still tells everyone that he was the victim of abuse even though all the evidence says he wasn't.
I've had lots of issues where he has bad mouthed me to the children, I have it in messages to the children, He's also broken the order where it states we hadn't to involve the children in any issues, he's openly admitted in an email to me that he has shown emails that I've sent him, but not shown the one he's sent me which has led to me being brave and sticking up for myself or my eldest child whom he says he can never forgive for what she's done to him. When I've reminded him about other things that he should be following in the court order he says I'm being threatening. He made a pre-amble to the court that he wouldn't come to the childrens school and take them out, but not a few weeks after he told them he could come to school and not to listen to anything that they hear, in other words not to listen to what I tell them. He's always telling the younger children that he only has two children as the eldest doesn't want to see him, he's telling them that he doesn't because of what she's done to him. Saying he's crying when he writes emails in front of the children, which has always been for 'effect' for people to feel sorry for him. The list goes on. He's also contact one of my friends daughters who was 18, whom he's know since she was 5, saying she's beautiful and he has a crush on here, he was 50 at the time. When I've reported this to Social Services as I'm worried about the youngest daugher who is 13, I've told them about other instances where he's made comments about my eldest's friends when they were 12, ie one has lovely loegs, another has beautiful eyes and the text messages he was sending to a 16 year old who was friends with a girl over the orad. They rang him without looking at the evidence I had of the message he sent my friends daughter, he obviously denied it all and said he'd lived with years of me being the abuser so they rang me back saying he'd denied it and they were closing the case. This was after he sent me a message saying 'More lies, you really need your bumps felt' Unless my friend reports this, they won't do anything and her daughter who is now 22 says she doesn't want to get involved. The same day he came off facebook. Looks very suspicious to me as to why he's come off. My solicitor will no longer represent me as I now owe her twelve thousand pounds and unless I pay this off she can't represent me. With all the abuse and other breakages of the court order what can I do? I know he'll use the emails that I've sent to stand up for myself or my daughter saying I'm being vendictive etc as this is what he keeps saying to me and he's also being abusive saying I need psychiatric help, not to let my partner at the time to see my 'crazy' side, another part of the court order he broke, the list goes on. Thankfully everything I've said with the exception of whast he's said about my daughters friends and the teenager he used to text, I have proof of. I'm just scared that he'll use his usual dogmattic charm to make the court believe he is innocent or that we're both as bad as each other. I took him back to court in between court dates due to in appropriate things he was doing and we were both told off, when what I did wasn't wrong, but my solicitor didn't speak up to tell the court this. I'm really at breaking point as I feel I'm back where I was all those years ago. I've had issues with him over New Year, short story is, one of the children only wanted to spend a few days with him at christmas and wanted to go back to his for new year. We got there at pick up point and he wasn't there, his car had broken down which left me in a predicument, he said he couldn't afford a taxi, telling my son, who was still with him for xmas period, that it was because he'd used all his mon ey on buying him a xmas present. He wanted me to drop him off at his place. I told him to get my son to pack his stuff and I'd pick him up from the end of the street, not to come anywhere near my car, or I'd call the police. He told me he was walking his son to my car and to make that call, so I did. They told me no-one could be there on a 'could be' incident, but to tell him to keep 50yds away from my car and that if he doesn't or he's abusive even more, they are on stand by to come out. Which I did and his answer was 'Couldn't give a toss' He then told my daughter via messaging to tell me to meet him at the shops near his home, I've never been to his house so I'd no idea what he was talking about and my daughter told me it wasn't safe there, so she replied no. he said it was there or no-where, as he was scared of me and it was more public and that he needed to walk my son to the car as he was crying and had lots of stuff to carry as well as his suitcase, my daughter told him she'd come up to help and that I'd rung the police, he decided to wait at his house for them to appear and all the time he kept telling them that he was the one being abused. I met them at the end of the street, which had houses on the corners and also in front of me. I'm totally at a loss as to what to do. I can't afford a solicitor and I won't get legal aid as they want hundreds up front and never take into account anything you have to pay out apart from a mortgage or rent, nothing else.
He lies saying I threatened to poison his food and I'd threatened to run him over with my car, like I'd damage my car on him. He still keeps telling people these lies.

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  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    This does sound like a really distressing and difficult situation, especially for your children. I'm sorry to hear the court process hasn't provided the clarity and safety that you were hoping for.
    I can understand you being concerned about the cost of getting legal help with this. It looks like you've looked into the question of legal aid but just wanted to check if you're aware that you may be eligible if you have suffered domestic abuse or violence.
    You might also want to contact one of the organisations that offers help and support to women subject to domestic abuse - Women's Aid or Refuge.
    I hope this is helpful.

    Wed 10, Jan 2018 at 10:38am
  • User-anonymous Janl Flag

    Hi there.
    Thank you for that information. I've not looked into legal aid for abuse, as he doesn't live with us anymore no-one seems interested.
    I've since looked on Womens Aid website, they helped me a lot before and I'm so grateful to them as they helped me to have the courage to do what needed to be done when I got the non-mokestation order against him. They've mentioned something I never even thought about. I've got personal legal cover on my contents insurance and they've mentioned about going down that route. I contacted them and I've completed a form to see if they can help take this back to court. I know what their dad is like though, he pretends butter wouldn't melt in his mouth and once before I brought him back to court and the court told us both we were behaving like children. I was quite upset at this because I never did anything wrong and I've got a feeling this will go down the same route. Although this time I have written proof of his abuse and what he's told the children and I'm hoping he really gets what's coming to him this time. I'm just waiting for the legal department to come back to me, but I'm dreading the news. Everytime I've thought there was hope, I knocked back.

    I'll keep you posted, only other option is to take him back to court myself and ask for an emergency hearing. This was the initial advice the legal team on my insurance advised. I've told them that yes I can do that but I need to be represented in court as being in the same room as him scares me and I'll fall apart, so I won't get across what I need to. They've said that they can look into this for me I just needed to complete the form and tell them everything that's happened, where his broken court order and also everything else he's done.

    Thanks again for your help.


    Wed 10, Jan 2018 at 6:52pm