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Access to child

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Thu 23, Oct 2014 at 8:29am
Categories:
Separating , After Separation

My Ex has been abusing me - emotionally and psychologically. There was also an issue with common assault on me from her. She has not given me a valid reason for denying me access to my daughter; she says she does not want to have anything to do with me and for me to leave them alone.

She doesnt want any money or anything from me but then reports me to Child maintenance to demand money from me, even though i have been paying to her via a private arrangement and there is proof on this.

She is using the child for personal reasons as she is angry with me as of the break up.

She only gives me an hour a week with our child even though i am paying child maintenance and even when the child is on the bottle only.

She has been harassing my colleagues too and spreading lies to them.

I feel she has been trying to provoke me to get a reaction so that she can eventually take out an Occupation order against me. She has been doing everything in the book to do so for her to be entitled to this Order.

I have requested for more time with my daughter but she has ignored both my verbal and written requests.

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Comments

  • Pc Bern Flag

    That sounds like a v stressful situation. How long have you been separated? If it's quite recent it might be a case of just everyone leaving each other alone for a bit until things settle down. An hour a week doesn't sound much - how old is your daughter? Is she old enough for her to be separated from her mum for longer?

    Thu 23, Oct 2014 at 5:11pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It has been 3 months since we have been separated. My daughter is only 4 months old and is only bottle fed. I do not see any reason why she can not be separated from her mum for a few hours a week, especially if she can be separated from her father for the remainder of the time. I can understand if she is breast fed but this is not the case.
    I also take into consideration that it would not be suitable for overnight stays but that is not what i am after.

    I was being reasonable when i asked to have my daughter for a day a week, from 10 - 4pm so she can bond with her father but it was rejected.

    I understand the mother is the most important but the father is also. It is recommended for a child to spend 'frequent ' as well as 'significant' amount of time with the other parent.

    It is a shame that my wife uses the child for personal vendetta to take revenge. She is not allowed to do this but is doing so. No parent is allowed to use their child for personal gain or a revenge tool.

    I am not after anything other than having access to my child as she rightly deserves to spend quality time with her father and family. Where children do not have access to the other parent from a very young age the relationship suffers throughout their lifetime - I do not wish for this to happen.

    Thu 23, Oct 2014 at 10:12pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I agree that an hour a week doesn't sound much but your daughter is still very young and some babies do get upset when they get separated from their mothers at this age - it works both ways too as some mothers cannot bear to be separated from their babies. I know it looks like she is just trying to get back at you and it may be part but not all of the reason. As you say it's best to stay on the right side of her and not provoke her in any way or it will make matters worse.

    Do you visit at her house? If not perhaps you could suggest an extra visit at home maybe just another hour - she might be more willing to allow this if your daughter is within her reach.

    Fri 24, Oct 2014 at 9:21am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I agree my daughter is very young but she should not be kept away from her father for a long period of time. In a 168 hours to have something like 4 hours is absolutely nothing. The child needs the mother the most but it also needs her father too, even though she is very young. The problem is that I know the mother is doing this out of spite rather than what is best for our daughter. She does not give me one hour really, its more like 30 mins or less.

    In that hour most times she needs to be fed and/or sleeps on me so there is absolutely no time of interaction or bonding. It is understandable that she sleeps and needs to be fed but then the length of time should be fair.

    I do not visit her at her place as she refuses to give me access. That is what i suggested but she does not want this either. Its a no win situation.

    If a mother wants to be unreasonable there is nothing i can do or say to change that. I am very reasonable to her, very calm and patient but she does not wish to do so in return.

    Fri 31, Oct 2014 at 9:23am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I can see you are missing your daughter a lot and want to have the opportunity to part of her life and to be a good father. Where do you usually take her when you have access - do you take her home or meet at a centre? Half an hour is not long at all. Your ex sounds very angry with you - do you know the reason for this?

    You could try mediation and this would give you a chance to negotiate with your ex and find a way forward. Have a look at this article and see what you think: http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/family-mediation

    Fri 31, Oct 2014 at 11:04am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    The Ex demands for this to take place in Starbucks, whis is not the best place to bond with your child and spend quality time. Yes, she is angry with me as i have left her because of issues between us and also as she was denying me any rights for my daughter. I had no say on my daughter, her life or anything and i could not stand this. My ex always said to me that she hates me, i wish i did not know you, meet you, i hate you, your family etc. She has been saying this prior to pregnancy, throughout her pregnancy and even after the child's birth. I really could not listen to this and her family were not helping either so it left me with no choice. The final straw for me was when she denied anything i said to do with our daughter, refused me to take my daughter out and neither able to take my daughter to see her grandparents or anyone for that matter.

    I suggested for mediation to my ex but she refused and then put it in writing to then which she ignored.

    Unfortunately, progress is not being made with her.

    Fri 31, Oct 2014 at 11:58am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Going back to what you first wrote, you say she is angry because of the breakup....I wonder if you had spoken to her about how painful you found her saying she hated you and wished she had not known you. How long had this being going on before the pregnancy? Hard as it is to communicate with her...if her attitude to you is as you describe above...perhaps you need to go back to what caused the breakdown in your relationship...and try to understand each other better. Just fighting over access to your child is unlikely to help you reach a place where you can do your best as mum and dad to a child you clearly both love.

    Fri 31, Oct 2014 at 1:55pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    I think the advice above is extremely wise. Fighting with your ex about your daughter is taking all your energy and diverting your attention from the underlying challenge for both of you about how your daughter has a meaningful relationship with both her parents.

    The bottom line is that your ex is your best ally to help you develop a bond with your daughter. It seems that you are trying your very best to manage your daughter's mum, which can't be easy given how anti- you she is at the moment. If you can somehow find a way to improve your relationship with your ex, the rest will fall into place. Try to put yourself in her shoes - what do you think she needs from you that will help her to feel less angry?

    Sun 2, Nov 2014 at 6:49pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I agree. I have been trying really hard to improve my relationship with my ex but I am running out of ideas. My ex failed to turn up to our scheduled appointment on Saturday, gave no indication of doing so. She has not responded to my email i sent her and today have sent her a letter. What can i do if she fails to turn up with my daughter where i am supposed to have contact with my daughter?

    She needs support, she needs me to be ultra nice to her etc but how am I supposed to do this if she refuses to communicate with me? I do not mind doing so as there is nothing wrong with it and a person should always be nice to the mother of his child. What can i do if she does not answer the door when i am outside? She Ignores all calls, emails etc, and now failed to turn up on Saturday.

    I can try to make her fee less angry but i need her to communicate to do this. Every time i try and we start getting somewhere her family makes matters worst and fuel that anger. I do not want to fight, i want on my relationship with her and my daughter. I am not given an opportunity.

    What will make her less angry? If i gave up my daughter, it will make her less angry. I am sorry, i cant do. She wants me to leave her and our daughter alone.
    She wants me to sell our place we bought together but she wants 80% and leave me with nothing. Again, i cant do. If she was reasonable i would do.
    A father should not need to beg his wife to communicate with him and/or see his child, especially where there are no safety concerns. I feel like that is what i am doing but even after begging nothing happens.

    If anyone feels i am being unreasonable or has any ideas what i can do please feel free to comment. As far as i can think of i have exercised all options i could possibly think of.

    Mon 3, Nov 2014 at 9:02am
  • Pc Bern Flag

    How totally frustrating for you. You just want to be given an opportunity to improve things. You're absolutely right not to want to give up on your daughter. I'm conscious that you've only been separated for 3 months - I know this probably seems a long time to you. You're in the best position to judge how far to push this. On the one hand, you need to get something sorted out with your ex and on the other hand, you need to take into account that she may have been knocked back by the separation coming so soon after the baby was born.
    If you can avoid using solicitors and keep things low key, it's always better but if you're not getting anywhere you may be left with no alternative. This link might be helpful - any way that you could get her to read it?
    http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/family-courts-what-they-expect-from-parents

    Mon 3, Nov 2014 at 1:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    She has recently started using a solicitor who has wrote to me in regards to the property and divorce. She would like divorce and has tied this on to the property. I do not mind her doing so as the property is not the main concern here. Also, by going ahead with this i hope it will end our issues and give her what she wants, but equally that is fair on both.

    The solicitor said that her client is happy for an hour a week providing it is in the best interest of our daughter. Yet, the same week she did not turn up on saturday for our contact - how strange.

    Besides her unreasonable behaviour i want to be there and support her to get through this and show her that it is not personal. I want to hold on to our relationship (not marriage) but some form of relationship that is best for our daughter's future and for us both to be civil to each other. It is only fair for our daughter that her parents do not quarrel and it does not benefit anyone, especially our daughter.

    I can print this out and put this through her letter box to read. Obviously, i can email this to her too. I think if i put this through her letterbox she may read it. What do you think?

    Also, I would like to thank you for all your helpful comments and advice on the forum, it has helped a lot.

    Mon 3, Nov 2014 at 1:56pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    when you say print this out do you mean the entire thread of this post?

    How do you think she will react to that ? I only ask in that I note you say that you want to be supportive and I wonder if she will feel that if she sees some of your comments. I expect she will have a very different view on the situation . I expect the last thing you want to do is to aggravate the situation further .
    What do you think?

    Mon 3, Nov 2014 at 9:10pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    No, I meant printing out the link sent by the moderator (Bern).

    If she knew about the thread I think it will make matters worst, but just printing out the thread and putting it through her letterbox should not cause any issues. I have emailed her the link the moderator sent above, but not this thread.

    I am not sure what else I can do from my part.

    I want her to communicate with me but I cant force her to do so. We both should communicate with each other, at least for our daughter's sake if not ours.

    Tue 4, Nov 2014 at 11:42am
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    I think that one option open to you is to take this issue to court. It is a big step to take and you have to consider timing.Emotions may be running high with her if she is angry with the break up and coming to terms with a new baby
    It may be that she responds to you and just needed a bit of time . I think that has to be your callon how long you are prepared to wait
    If you decide to go down this route you will need to attend a mediation information meeting
    http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/what-is-a-miam
    The mediation service could write to her and perhaps if is she sees you re going to pursue this, she may reconsider mediation .In that way you will both be supported by a third person .
    I agree with you that if it is at all possible it is best for your child to have parents who can communicate and co parent.

    Tue 4, Nov 2014 at 7:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have taken this matter to court, we have had a hearing and they judge has todl her to continue with the contact sessions as agreed. She has now decided not to turn up last week after the judge's orders. He has told her to do so until the next hearing. After the next hearing, once he has recieved the safeguarding checks report he will give his judgement on the amount of time i should have with my daughter.

    She has broken the judge's orders last week and her solicitor has informed me that she will not turn up to our session tomorrow with no valid reasons. She has started to play games again where she has reported to the police that she feels frightened of me and thus does not wish to give me access. Police says that she has the right to do so, but it goes against the court orders.

    She is lying when she says she is frightened of me. There are no reasons to do so. There is a harassmentorder against her from my colleague, there is a common assault against me from her. So i am the victim here but she says she is frightened of me. I am biased but I am not a violent or threatening person.

    I am happy to attend mediation but she does not wish to do so. I have suggested mediation and so has the court. Maybe i can contact mediation nearest to her to contact her to arrange an appointment, can it work that way? I do not hate her, i want to communicate and do the best i can for her and our daughter.

    Fri 7, Nov 2014 at 4:33pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Am I missing something here? have you said what caused the relationship to break down in the first place? Was their another person involved? The level of her anger and/or distress is not making as much sense to me as it should., unless she is ill. You sound so reasonable, is there anything in what I say?

    Fri 7, Nov 2014 at 4:51pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    What caused the relationship to breakdown - She has been saying for over a year " I hate you, I dont want to be with you, I wish didnt know you, I hate your family". I decided to be patient as she felt pregnant but then it still continued. After 6 weeks i decided enough is enough. I knew she did not want to see me and did not want to be with me. What made my decision easier was when she denied me my rights to do anything i.e anything i suggested for my daughter got rejected. My opinions were refused, not even considered. I was not able to take my daughter anywhere, i couldnt take my daughter out, not even to see her grandparents. When she denied me rights to my daughter it was the last straw and i said it was over. I couldnt continue hearing the things she was saying to me but i thought its hormones and i should be patient, but for over a year and it still continues? At what point do i stop? I thought thats it after she refused me my rights to my daughter. Thats where i drew the line. Who wants to be with a woman who does not want to be with them?

    There was no other person involved. One thing though, her family hates me even though i have done so much for them and treated them as my own. I spent more time with them than my own family, but still i am the bad guy.

    I feel she is suffering from post natal depression but she will not acknowledge and refuses to do something about it.

    Fri 7, Nov 2014 at 6:18pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    It all sounds very complicated and you seem to have exhausted your attempts to sort this out amicably. It's probably a good job that you're in the court system so that in dependant professionals can make an assessment of what's going on. Whatever the outcome of the court case is, somehow you need to find a way of co-parenting with your ex and it may take a while to happen given the amount of hostility.
    I'd really recommend that you look at the Getting it Right For Children Programme - http://theparentconnection.org.uk/programmes/programmes/getting-it-right-for-children-when-parents-part

    Do you have people supporting you?

    Sun 9, Nov 2014 at 11:17am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I agree. I want to find a way to co-parent. I am more than happy for my ex to give suggestions and i will be happy to listen, negotiate and come to a solution. She does not wish to do this though and i have been trying.

    She has recently made false allegations to the police, tried to get something on my record. She is trying her very best to deny me access. She has said to the police that she is afraid of me. She feels that i will kidnap our daughter and take her abroad. She said that i went to her solicitor's office being aggressive, hostile and threatening behaviour. I do not see why she has to lie to the police and make false allegations. She is trying her very best to get a non molestation on me.

    I have a lovely family who are supporting me through this but they also have their own little problems too, as people do. Who doesn't have their own, ha? But i am being strong and patient. I just hate the games she is playing. I can play the game too but i do not wish to do so. She has a solicitor, i am honest and i do not need a solicitor to find loopholes in law to get me what i want and make lies. Lying to the police and the judge will not go a long way - she does not see it that way. I am sure the judge sees right through people when they lie and it will not go far. That's the way i see it.

    It is simple, all i am after is having access to my daughter. That is all i am fighting for - Who wouldn't!

    I have had a look at the link and it is really good. It is the what i believe in and the way i operate. Parentconnection.org.uk has some really good info and tips to help people get through these tough periods in life. Thank you everyone!

    Sun 9, Nov 2014 at 6:39pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have just had a letter from court that my next hearing will be mid January, that is bad news. I have to wait for at least 2 and half months before i see my daughter again. I saw her last 3 weeks ago. It will be over 3 months that i would not have seen my daughter. She would have nearly doubled her age before i see her again! Its a cruel world!

    Sun 9, Nov 2014 at 6:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    My ex is not willing to allow me to see my daughter. She does not wish to communicate or see me. As such, i am not allowed to see my daughter. I have made a suggestion that accommodates her request but she is ignoring the suggestion. The judge told her to continue the contact session as they stand but she is not listening. I cant do anything as the judge did not put it in writing but said it to us both.

    I have suggested mediation but again, she does not wish to do so.

    Again, as i have been doing so...just be patient i guess. Can anyone think of anything else i could do or try?

    The worst thing is that i feel she will get away with it. She will be told what to do in January but she wont do it. I'll have to keep on applying to court and go back and forwards in hope they will do something to stop her denying me.

    Sun 9, Nov 2014 at 6:51pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sometimes the best strategy is to step back and have absolute minimal contact with your ex. I know it's counter- intuitive but maybe she's as stressed out as you are. If she can relax more knowing she doesn't have to deal with you, maybe she'll be more willing to abide by what the judge has told her to do.
    At least you're in court so you know that the situation is not drifting.

    Mon 10, Nov 2014 at 9:02am