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Advice please

Posted by: Anonymous
Sun 31, May 2015 at 8:11pm

In March I had to get a court order to get my children back as ex was playing games previously threatened not to bring them back. we recently had a review in court about contact with the children the court order is every other weekend Friday to Sunday which has been going well until last weekend. It came to my attention that he had spent Friday and Saturday in a pub with the children I asked him and he admitted this he said the children saw the bouncy castle in the garden so he took them knowing the park was around the corner and the fair was down to around the other corner. The issue I have is I'm concerned for the safety of my children as my ex is a big drinker. I know what he is like drunk and how careless he is. The children are due to go on Friday but I'm so worried I don't want to send them. What can I do as its a court order. I've never stopped him seeing the children in a way the court order has helped my children with regular contact. Please any advise would be great. Many thanks

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  • User-anonymous Milly Flag

    A lot of pubs are quite family friendly these days.......bouncy castle in the garden sounds like the kind of things my kids love. Maybe your worry isn't so much the pub but whether your ex is drinking hard whilst he's looking after the children. It won't look great if you stop contact and he says he was drinking coke! Tell him your worries and that you want reassurance he's taking good care of the children.

    Sun 31, May 2015 at 8:34pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you milly it's hard because I know he would not have had a coke. The person that saw him and told me said he was very drunk. I text my ex who admitted he was at the pub. I'm so angry. I'm am trying to see a different side to this situation but my anger is getting in the way
    at the moment. I though because it was through the courts my ex would be on his best behaviour. Thank you.

    Sun 31, May 2015 at 8:49pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Also my 3 year old pointed out some beer saying that's what my daddy drinks when we were at the shop waiting in the que.

    Sun 31, May 2015 at 9:19pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Hi there, is your ex's drinking a bit of a trigger for you? If it is, I can well understand that overwhelming feeling of anger. Even if it isn't, being told your children's dad was very drunk when he's supposed to be looking after them would make you angry! It's hard to stand back and be objective under those circumstances.
    You say the contact has been going well since the court order and it would be nice for the children if it was possible for you to build on this rather than it go backwards. The question is, what would you need to happen to feel that your children were safe and your ex was behaving responsibly?

    Mon 1, Jun 2015 at 7:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've had 4 years of hell with his drinking . . My ex doesn't know when to stop once he starts. It's been positive except the little things that I can now deal with. Im hoping it can go back to court sooner than September. Ideally I'd like it to be in the court order for him not to drink while having the children. It's a big trigger because of the things he has done the list is endless.

    Mon 1, Jun 2015 at 5:05pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    I can understand your fear if you are hearing reports that your ex is very drunk and that would be a worry if one of your children is only 3.
    Silly as this sounds it is worth having a conversation with him. It's always difficult when you hear information third hand and he may have been in the pub but not really drunk .
    I'm guessing that if drinking has been an issue in the past then its natural that you might feel inclined to believe it .
    Big question is if you feel that the children are at significant risk of harm then you must act on it but it I can see how that's a tough one to prove

    Mon 1, Jun 2015 at 8:18pm
  • Pc chas Flag

    If it seems difficult having a conversation with him direct, could you and he consider attending mediation? It could be a way of raising your concerns with a third person present who can help you both keep you focused on the children rather than your anger at each other.

    Tue 2, Jun 2015 at 7:09am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    We don't get on at all cafcass are involved I asked for a communication book for my 1 year old as I need to know what she has eaten as she gets constipated and he can't even do that. I've asked him so many times to get on for the sake of the children. My 4 year old came home with really dirty socks on I asked if he had them on all weekend my ex said he was playing out the front now as far as I'm concerned he lives on a main road no where to play which obviously gave me concerns but then I found out about the pub so why hide it? I'm not angry at him for anything other than him drinking around the children. Thank you for your advice.

    Tue 2, Jun 2015 at 4:05pm
  • User-anonymous lc Flag

    Does your ex know you're angry and re-considering what to do about him seeing the kids?

    Wed 3, Jun 2015 at 8:20am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I've tried to talk to him today but he tries to make a 4 and a 3 year old seem like liars. Apart from going back to court I don't know what I can do. Thank you.

    Wed 3, Jun 2015 at 3:08pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    So basically he's denying the whole episode? Would he be prepared to give you assurances that he won't drink when he has the children? Or is there a relative or grandparent you could trust who could help him look after them?

    I think the suggestion about going to mediation is a good one - cheaper than going back to court and you may be eligible for legal aid - have a look at this article and see what you think:

    Wed 3, Jun 2015 at 6:40pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sorry only just had time to come on line. I now have more concern. My 4 year old told me on Tuesday that a boy he plays with while in daddy's care pulls back something pops out and my 3 year old is made to touch his private area. I feel physically sick. HELP I automatically asked where daddy was my 4 year old said in bed. I've tried to talk to ex but he is not cooperating. He thinks I've made this up as his family are in town this weekend. No words can discribe my feelings right now. Sandy we both have to go to a parenting meeting to learn to get on . Thank you

    Thu 4, Jun 2015 at 3:12pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Your worries are getting worse about his behaviour and his supervision of the children. To be honest, 4 year olds are not always the most reliable reporters of 'the facts' so you have to make a judgement call about the risk they're exposed to. It sounds like you're getting some support from professionals who know your family - could you talk it through with them for advice?

    Thu 4, Jun 2015 at 9:36pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi bern I've spoken to social services about it they advised me I'm well within my rights to stop contact. They said they will call me back so may get the call tomorrow . While my 4 year old was drinking his milk I went up stairs and said to my 3 year old what does (the boy do) my 3 6ear old said shouts at me hits me and makes me touch his private area willy were his words. Thank you.

    Thu 4, Jun 2015 at 9:44pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    That's awful - I can see why you are so reluctant to let them stay with your ex. If you believe they are in any danger then you are within your rights to stop contact, after all their safety is the most important thing in all this. It's good you're getting help and advice from social services. Do you think your ex has any idea this is going? Hope you get is sorted soon.

    Fri 5, Jun 2015 at 1:03pm
  • Pc chas Flag

    Hope you are getting some helpful support from Social Services. Let us know if you want any more information or help.

    Tue 9, Jun 2015 at 6:41am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It's been a while since I've been on here for some reason I couldn't sign in. The situation has got worse it turns out that my children were being groomed and shown things that no 4 ,3 year old should see and do things shown to them by a 12 year old. We had court on the 5th August and lucky the judge agreed with me and dad is not to have unsupervised contact. Twice a week phone calls only until all investigations are complete. During this time I've had nasty text of him and his mum stating that I'm lying also that the situation should not have been reported but dealt with within th family. I talk with my ex sister a lot but the messages she gets from her mum about betraying her family by talking to me is unreal. At the moment I have a cafcass worker dealing with the case. I need to have another meeting with her with out the children. I feel she needs to see the texts from my ex and his mum denying all knowledge of the abuse and understand that my ex did nothing in reporting this with me. but I don't want to talk to much about him. Help. He recently asked a parent at the school to take pictures of my children in the playground for him. I'm drained x x

    Wed 7, Oct 2015 at 11:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Oh my ex admitted in court he took the kids to the pub and had a pint. Him going to the pub and not drinking is like me saying I'm going out in the rain and im not going to get wet. X

    Wed 7, Oct 2015 at 11:51am
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    What a terrible time you've been having, you must have been devastated - it sounds like you took the best course of action available. Do you think your ex knew it was going on?

    Wed 7, Oct 2015 at 6:34pm
  • User-anonymous anonymous Flag

    My children told child protection they told dad but in the last 2 weeks my 4 year old has said he's scared daddy is going to tell him off for telling me because he said not to tell mummy. X it's so hard so draining x

    Wed 7, Oct 2015 at 6:52pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Sounds like it's a really good thing that your concerns are being looked into properly and that includes someone talking to the children themselves.
    I'm hoping you're finding some support for yourself. Do you have family nearby?

    Thu 8, Oct 2015 at 11:03am
  • User-anonymous anonymous Flag

    I have a fab friend that has been so supportive she's amazing helps me see things from other views. I just wish he could see it from my point a protective parents point. I don't understand why he did nothing. X x

    Thu 8, Oct 2015 at 11:13am
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    You're bound to have lots of different thoughts and emotions going on. It sounds like your ex is making you feel guilty for reporting it - yet you definitely did the right thing - if you hadn't it could be still going on or the 12 year old could even move onto someone else. I guess you feel you have been badly betrayed and let down by your ex?

    Fri 9, Oct 2015 at 10:48am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi yes he is he is saying I'm emotionally abusing the children by not letting him see them and visa versa. The judge said no unsupervised contact just call contact until investigated. I've had cafcass round and I'm happy for contact to be in a contact centre. I feel he has really let the children down. All this interest is pretence because it's going through the courts before any of this happened my ex dumped my children any chance he could if he had no money I would give it to him to take his kids out while he spent his on alcohol. His mum has recently found alcohol bottles full of urin in his room. She did not tell me but defends him all the way. She has told me it should have been a family matter. I hope one day my children will fully understand. He tells me they will hate me. In all honesty I thought he would be on his best behaviour. Thank you

    Fri 9, Oct 2015 at 5:52pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    What a relief that your concerns are taken seriously. I'm pleased for you that you're ok with contact at a contact centre. That must really put your mind at rest.

    Sat 10, Oct 2015 at 5:36pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi, so we recently went back to court where my ex disagreed with all cafcass recomendations supervised contact for 4 sessions then street contact for a period of time then no over night stays until 2016 summer. No visits to the town he lives in as it's far for young children at the moment. Anyway the judge didn't have no open court date until after the end of january so my ex had to agree to contact centre otherwise it would be another 2 months of not seeing the children. I think my ex also wants the children half of school holidays in another town 6 to 8 hours away. As far as I was aware he was moving back to the town we live in september just gone. I don't want my children going there I don't trust him nor his mother and I have a strong feeling I'm going to tell people I told you so. I'm not saying ever maybe more when they are 5 7 & 8 not 1 3 & 4. We both now have to submit evidence of the situation so all my text messages of my ex denying going in the pub knowing the mum and 12 year old and the rest of his lies. I've also been allowed to do a hair strand test for alcohol. I hope the results are that he hasn't been drinking much because where will the children stand if bad results. I'm so stressed. X

    Wed 9, Dec 2015 at 11:08am
  • Dandelion_pic elli Flag


    It sounds really tough. But right that the judge is taking things one step at a time, on cafcass recommendation, and you'll have time to say and submit the things you need to. Odd as it might sound, I'd focus on making sure this doesn't dominate your time with the children until the next hearing, on letting them relax as much as possible over Christmas and letting them know that their Dad is thinking about them at that time too. It's great that you've got a supportive friend to give you an outlet from time to time.

    One other question - while you were in court, was there any mention of a Separated Parenting Information Programme? Here's some information on them: You can ask about them and they're free if the court puts it in the court order. Sometimes it's really good to have the chance to do something like this with other parents who've also struggled with worries around the arrangements for their children, safety worries and court.

    Good luck

    Wed 9, Dec 2015 at 1:07pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi thank you. I Went to one back in July I don't think my ex went tho. It comes across to me that he's not past the moving on stage as I am. Which I think is what is stopping him have a adult conversation. I recently asked him if we could get on for the children and talk about what has happened to move forward but he just blames me for everything. I have the books that I still look at but I feel like I'm trying for nothing. I can't even ask a simple question regarding the children the reply is either nasty or nothing. X

    Wed 9, Dec 2015 at 1:22pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    This must be so frustrating for you - it sounds like you are trying your best to get on even after all that's happened. I guess you just have to keep going in the same direction, for the sake of your children, hoping that he will learn from your example. A lot has happened and maybe he needs time to adjust to the situation and come to terms with his responsibilities and the part he played in everything that has happened. .

    Wed 9, Dec 2015 at 8:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi sandy it is frustrating I just don't understand it really. I don't understand why we couldn't work together on the abuse situation. Maybe he thinks I'm blaming him I don't know. Part of me understands my ex not seeing his children for sometime but the other part of me doesn't. I just don't think he understands it from my point and never will. It's sad for the children x x

    Wed 9, Dec 2015 at 8:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi everyone it's me again. Does anyone know if I personally can ask cafcass to be reinstated. My four year old is coming home from his dad saying he hates me kicking me and punching me,his dad has told him to do this and my sons reward will be he can live with his dad. My five year old and 2 year old have wanted to come home but dad and his mum (who is supervising contact) told them they can't because they are lost. Dad also told my five year old if he didn't stop moaning he will put him on the bus on his own to come home. We have a court order but ex once again does not comply. Any advise please x

    Sat 18, Jun 2016 at 7:48pm