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Contact centre increase??

Posted by: Anonymous
Fri 19, May 2017 at 7:30am
After Separation

I have been seeing my children in a contact centre since march. Next week is my last session there then I go onto community contact for a few sessions before my children can start coming to my home. I have done 5 contact centre visits and on all occasions I have seen my 2 youngest. But my eldest has only seen me once for a few minutes but was fine gave me a cuddle etc but refused to come in the other times. I have tried communicating with my ex and said I will work with her on encouraging the eldest but my hands are tied as I can’t see the eldest unless she actually comes in to the room so my ex needs to work with her on this but I know she isn’t. Needless to say all my efforts to talk to my ex about this have been ignored. I send cards to my eldest because I don’t see her and she gets a gift like the other 2 if I take them one.
My fear now is my ex is going to go back to court to get contact centre visits increased until the oldest child starts coming in.
Does anyone know if this is something the court will do? I just feel this isn’t fair on my other 2 who always tell me they don’t get enough time at contact centre and want to come to my house.
Any info would be appreciated.

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  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Hmm, a tricky situation! Any thoughts about what's making it difficult for your eldest daughter to join in with contact?
    It sounds like you and your ex have at least managed to agree a sensible plan for the children to get used to seeing you and very encouraging that the younger ones are excited about seeing more of you. It's obviously worked well for them and they're ready to move on to the next stage. I would just wait and see what happens. Courts are not unfamiliar with cases where children seem to be struggling in the way your oldest child is. If you end up back in court, go prepared with a clear, calm account of what has happened and make it clear that you are prepared to try and work together with your ex to resolve things. But I hope it doesn't come to that!

    Sat 20, May 2017 at 4:10pm
  • User-anonymous Me Flag

    Hi. Thanks for your comment. The eldest iam afraid is very controlled by my ex and she has always been made to be against me. My ex has always been very controlling of my eldest and hates me having a relationship with her and I just can't understand why. The court gave a order which put all the steps in place and I am very happy with the court order it's fair. I have tried to communicate with my ex to talk about my eldest and encourage her to see me like the others I have explained that she will suffer if she has no relationship with me and I feel in time it could create a divide between the siblings. My ex won't communicate with me she either ignores my attempts to talk or just tries to argue and if I don't do as she wants she punishes me and the kids by for example stopping a phone call.
    The latest is that when I start contact outside the centre she has said iam not aloud to get out of my car on collection or drop off she is to put the children in my car and then get them out on pick up. I find this so childish and don't see why she wants this. It's a control thing on her part and has said if I don't do it she will take me back to court and I know will refuse contact if this happens. Even though she will be breaking the court order. But this doesn't seem to bother her as it will be the third time she has broken it.

    Sun 21, May 2017 at 6:45am
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    I'm guessing you realise, for your children's sake, that it's best to just let these irritations wash over you. If they continue, you may need to find a way of getting to the bottom of what's behind them. Maybe your ex is still hurt and angry over your break up? Or maybe she feels that you've done something harmful to her or the children and sees you as a risk in some way?
    Has mediation been considered in your case? It might be worth thinking about. It would provide each of you with the opportunity to speak to someone, on your own initially, and get things off your chest before bringing the two of you together to try and iron out the problems.
    Alternatively, if problems continue, the court may refer the two of you to a Separated Parents Information Programme (SPIP). You can find out more information about this on the Cafcass website.

    Tue 23, May 2017 at 8:00am
  • User-anonymous Me Flag

    . We separated 4 years ago. Believe me her behaviour was no better whist in a relationship that's why I ended up leaving. I pose no risk to no one have no record of such and have had a full police check for court drug and alcohol test too to prove I have done no wrong. We tried mediation before I proceeded to court but it didn't work as once again unless I agreed to her terms there was no movement not even a compromise. So the mediator informed me that I was existing money going to the meetings and go to court which I did. My ex has been referred for help with her issues as she had a problem with alcohol a few years back. I have done SPIP and another online course. Unaware if she has??

    Tue 23, May 2017 at 5:12pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    OK, so looks like everything's been tried. The only remedy that may be left is the healing effect of time passing by. Sorry not to be more help.

    Sat 27, May 2017 at 10:25am