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Does interim court order from years ago (which we have modified) still stand?

Posted by: Anonymous
Sun 14, May 2017 at 9:35am
After Separation

Hello, I do not feel shared care is working in my children's best interests as the level of conflict is unfortunately very high and constructive communication between us is now practically zero. We have very different parenting approaches and he has not been willing to compromise at all. I have tried to remain neutral but she sends abusive and threatening messages. We do not even look at each other during transitions which I believe makes the conflict very visible to the children. My ex has pushed through shared care when he knew I didn't agree with it. I did not want to pursue a full court hearing as I knew my children would be asked for their views and I didn't want to put them in this situation. I would have always allowed contact but I feel this arrangement is very unsettling for the children. He is very controlling and manipulative. We have tried mediation a number of times and it hasn't worked. He regularly turns up to drop the children off late and one morning last week he didn't turn up at all, opting instead to take the children straight to school without informing me. What would be the consequences of simply saying no, the children and I are not doing this any more? Thanks.

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  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Thank you for your post. I'm sorry to hear that even over what sounds like quite a long time, things have not settled down or become more amicable between you and your ex.
    If I have understood you correctly, there isn't a final court order in place but there is some sort of agreement between you and your ex which doesn't work as well as you'd like it to, is that right?
    It sounds like one of the things that might make things better would be for your children to be exposed to less conflict or hostility between you and their father. I'm sure you're right about this - it sounds like a very poisonous situation for them. Clearly in the past you decided against prolonging the court proceedings to prevent them being drawn into the conflict. I would be concerned that your suggestion of withholding them from seeing their father could have the same effect.
    Here's a link to an article on this site that tells you a bit more about children and parental conflict:
    I know your past experience has made you doubtful that mediation might help but I would urge you to re-consider, especially if it has been a while since you last used it. You never know, your ex may also have some things he wants to get off his chest and if it's difficult for the two of you to discuss things together, the presence of a mediator may help you both to feel 'safer' and more able to be constructive.
    On going silence probably isn't an option if you still have a number of years of joint parenting ahead of you.

    Mon 15, May 2017 at 7:22am
  • User-anonymous Sussex Mod Flag


    I'm part of the forum. I have been through very similar circumstances from the other side. Of course each situation is different, but I agree with the moderator on this matter. Mediation is an opportunity, albeit quite painful and angst provoking.
    I received an abusive phone call from my ex-wife's partner, it was so shocking that I reported it to the police as verbal harassment, I've not taken any action with it, but it's there if I need to show any audit trail.

    Might be worth considering?

    Tue 16, May 2017 at 2:09pm
  • User-anonymous loulou33 Flag

    Thank you very much for your advice.

    Mon 22, May 2017 at 9:14pm
  • User-anonymous Contactzaradarcey Flag

    Pleasure. I've just been through the Wishes & feelings process with Cafcass last week. How old are your children if that's not prying? You may find they can articulate their feelings.

    Mon 22, May 2017 at 9:35pm