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User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
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Wed 16, Sep 2015 at 10:20pm
Categories:
After Separation

I asked my ex partner for flexibility regarding our agreement (none court order) at first she agreed then later denied, i have had nothing but crap off her, so wrote her a letter stating the facts and stuff. Upon receiving the letter she was pissed and has since stopped contact approx 4 weeks. I have been to a solicitor for advise and since have found out that her youngest child (she has 4 now in total my daughter being the oldest. she is mine the other 3 aint) is in hospital in a bad way and possibility of not pulling through.

I want to tread carefully as in not to cause addition stress but still would like my contact back with my daughter which has been regular weekly contact for the passed 9 years (she will be 11 this year).

Any ideas to how to go about this would be grateful????

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Comments

  • User-anonymous jinny Flag

    Sorry, but I'm not sure if I understand why you sent that letter to your ex when, from what you've said, the arrangements for seeing your daughter were working ok? Why stir up trouble? Clearly, it made her very angry.
    You could try apologising, letting her know you're thinking of her at what must be a very difficult time and asking if there's anything you can do to help? (But don't mention seeing your daughter!)

    Thu 17, Sep 2015 at 7:11am
  • User-anonymous SD83 Flag

    Because my daughter over the last 6 months has been requesting to do certain things and more and more things which we physically cant do in the current agreement. I have tried speaking with ex over these matters but she says she is not willing to budge. Its things like taking my daughter abroad on holiday to which she wont allow stating that she is going abroad with her so there is no need for me to take her.

    She is coming to an age where she wants to experience things with me but her mum is physically stopping us so to a degree yes the arrangement works but in other ways it does not. For me and my daughter to do the things she is requesting it would require a certain degree of flexibility on my ex's behalf for us to be able to do these things.

    Regarding the whole stirring things up she has only been going through other matters with her youngest over the last few days but our letters have been going on now for approx 4 weeks.

    There was nothing in the first letter to which would of made her angry it just stated could we come to some arrangement regarding a degree of flexibility. My ex doesnt want me to have contact with my daughter as she wants to play happy families with her other children and her husband to be, even to the fact telling me once would i do her a favour and move away.

    I was trying to not air too much dirty laundry and keep the original message short, but the story is the last 9 years have not been smooth i get nothing but crap from my ex partner who makes it hard for me to do anything with my daughter when i do have contact. This also is not the first time contact has been stopped either. She stopped it last time as she heard i was starting a new relationship and was jealous i was moving on. Even though the contact with my daughter was only with me and always has been, i would never introduce someone new unless i had taken steps to make sure the relationship would be a committed one and that no harm would come to her.

    Me personally if my ex is going through stress then i think me seeing my daughter would probably lighten the stress a little in this area anyway, obviously not regarding her youngest. but at least then its one less thing to worry about and we can always pick up other issues at a later date. If her family is in a difficult time then i think being there to comfort daughter is only a good thing or am i looking at that in the wrong light?

    SD83

    Thu 17, Sep 2015 at 10:20am
  • User-anonymous Burt Flag

    Dear SD83,
    I agree with you that being around to support your ex; your daughter and the family can only be a good thing. Dealing with really serious life events, puts everything else into perspective. I think you're right to put the pause button on this for now. Do you have any mutual friends or family members you could approach who could let her know that you don't want to cause any further worries for her but would just like to sort things out? Or maybe you could approach her directly?

    Thu 17, Sep 2015 at 9:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Burt

    Approaching her directly would only kick things off. In the passed she has moaned when people have told me stuff and i have let her know things i have heard. She has stated that things outside my daughter have nothing to do with me, but in a way this sort of does as if the worst does happen then my daughter would need emotional support.

    I think its best leaving things for the time being as there is nothing i can do until next week anyway, I was told by a mutual friend the next few days from yesterday would be the most critical so hopefully by next week the air will have cleared a little and if it hasnt then i suppose i will cross that bridge when i come to it.

    I have passed on my feelings towards the situation to a mutual friend that will hopefully convey them for me. I wont back off fully but will patiently be waiting.

    Thu 17, Sep 2015 at 9:19pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    Yes, I think you are doing the right thing to leave it at the moment and it would be good if she were to receive a message somehow that you are thinking of her and are willing to help in whatever way you can.

    Fri 18, Sep 2015 at 11:44am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi sandy

    I did what you said and first message was ok then the next all she kept going on about was when am i going to reply to her questions in the letter she sent me, she seemed more worried about the letter she sent me than everything she was experiencing in her own life.

    After a few messages she ended up digging herself into a hole and after i stopped texting about 30mins later I get a text saying that if i could have my contact re-instated and she would let me take our daughter abroad on holiday but refused to budge on anything else, if i agreed to drop all other issues and agree to her terms.

    I have not yet stated what my intentions are as i want to seek legal advice before agreeing as last thing i need is a few months down the line things go back to the way they were.

    SD83

    Sat 19, Sep 2015 at 5:18pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    It sounds like progress. I guess the most important thing at the moment is to get the contact restarted and then you could look at the other issues later bearing in mind that you need to tread gently at present.

    Just wondering have you tried mediation?. You may find the following link helpful:
    http://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/family-mediation

    Let us know how you get on.

    Fri 25, Sep 2015 at 11:53am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sandy

    I went to mediation but she refuses to go. My contact has since resumed but she wanted me to accept her "terms and conditions" as she calls it. She has agreed to hand over her passport for me to take my daughter abroad on holiday.

    There are things in her letter which i need answers too. In her letter to my solicitor she states that my daughter suffers from a Social Communication Disorder and she requires to be kept in a strict routine which is one of the reasons why she wont agree to certain adjustments in the agreement we originally made. I told my solicitor i want this question answered ( why if our daughter has a SCD and needs strict routines does she take her out of our regular contact based on me wanting to spend more time with her? ) to me she has shot herself in the foot if im not mistaken? This SCD which she claims our daughter has i dont really know nothing about and never get kept in the loop about anything.

    I did hear a few years ago that she was being tested for Autism and the school contacted me regarding certain things her mother was telling them and i stated she didnt do any of them whilst in my contact. I have not heard anything since that time.

    I have stated to my solicitor i want my daughters gp details and other things so i can contact them myself to find out whats going on regarding this matter and anything i can do. I have heard from third parties that my daughter is meant to be doing this and that but has never done any of those things whist in my company. Some of the things i hear i think could be to do with the fact she is living with now 3 younger siblings and is fighting for attention, where when she is with me its just me and her and she gets all my attention as and when she needs it.

    To me she just acts like any other 10 year old girl. She does talk a little babyish now and again but as i said i put that down to her having 3 younger step brothers.

    I personally think that she will stop contact again when she receives this letter from my solicitor as she doesn't like being questioned on things, but these are questions that i need answers too.

    Sat 26, Sep 2015 at 7:27pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    I agree that you need to be kept informed about things that affect your daughter's health, education and general welfare. Problem is, if you and your ex don't find speaking to each other easy, then you are both probably missing out on important information about your daughter. How would you describe your communication with your ex?
    If your daughter has been diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder, I'd recommend doing a bit of research as it could help you to understand her a little bit better - try this website - http://www.autism.org.uk.
    It must be lovely for your daughter to have you all to herself and now you have a holiday together to look forward to together. The fact that her mum agrees to this must mean that she doesn't want to come between the two of you, but there are clearly issues about how much routine/flexibility is acceptable to you both. How much do you want to change the current contact plan?

    Sun 27, Sep 2015 at 6:07pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Bern

    My ex doesn't tell me anything never does and never will. In the solicitors letters i have asked for gp information and other things too so i can see these people myself and get their views on whats going on with my daughter. To which my ex will kick off. My ex tries to use everything against me as she doesnt want me in her life at all. She even stated to me a few years ago that if i dated a certain person i liked but she didnt then she would take daughter away from me.

    My ex only agreed as she was keeping her passport away from me on grounds that she couldn't prove and something she said I supposedly done 9 years ago to which i have no memory of and i can remember pretty much everything but she has a memory of a goldfish. She is a very selfish person and stated before she dug herself into a hole that i would never get the passport ever and she never needs for me to take her abroad as daughter is going with her and her family so doesn't need to go anywhere with me.

    I only would like it slightly adjusted in term time when the schools break up so i have an extra opportuninty to take daughter on holiday or give her experiences that she may not have with her mum as she has 3 (4 in total) other kids now aswell to her fella she has been with since we split.

    Sun 27, Sep 2015 at 6:27pm
  • User-anonymous Burt Flag

    mmmm...sounds like you have a tough opponent on your hands. You must be doing something right to have managed the situation for so long.

    Mon 28, Sep 2015 at 8:28am
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Hi there, I can't help thinking that, despite your ex being uncooperative, she knows how important your daughter's relationship is with you . I guess that this is the angle you have to approach it from.....in other words, selling the changes you want as a benefit to your daughter -and if as a mum, she gets some benefit, then all the better. Maybe, she can do all of this but for some reason finds dealing with you a hassle?

    Mon 28, Sep 2015 at 9:19am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I think its mainly down to her fella who she been with pretty much since we split. Her texts towards me change when he is around and i am told this by her friends also. Her texts are all incorrectly spelt, with no comma or full stops anywhere. Her fella's are spelt correctly with no text speak and correct grammar. I have been told he sends her the texts and she forwards them onto me.

    Even my solicitor noticed changes as she was reading texts that my ex had sent to me.

    I don't think she knows how important it is, i think she knows the only next step is court and has chosen to give my contact back based on this, as this is what she has done previously. She gets annoyed with me and out of spite stops contact until there is a threat of court then gives it back, to her its a game to see if one day i will just say fcuk it and give up.

    My daughter told me that her mum said to her the reason she stopped contact is because i was asking to spend more time with her. To me that is not really a valid reason to stop contact, but of course she used other reasons in the letter to my solicitor.

    Ah well i only have a few more years of this then my daughter will be old enough to make her own decisions.

    Mon 28, Sep 2015 at 9:42am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Update

    the 14 days she gave my solicitor are nearly up and yet she still hasnt received her letter so she has stated to me via text if she doesn't receive the letter before saturday 2nd october she will be stopping contact again.

    Wed 30, Sep 2015 at 6:13pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    That must be very worrying for you - have you instructed your solicitor to reply to her letter? This must be costing you a fortune - all these letters going back and forwards. I'm getting a bit confused here - there doesn't seem to be that much that you disagree on now she had has agreed for you to take your daughter on holiday. Apart from the fact that you need more information about your daughters health what still needs to change?

    Wed 30, Sep 2015 at 8:48pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    she stated that she would agree to the passport and giving contact back if i agreed via text and a solicitors letter to her within 14 days, well saturday that 14 days is up and she said that she will stop contact if she doesnt get the letter before saturday which is the 14 days.

    Yes i had a meeting with my solicitor a week ago, but obviously she has not sent the letter yet for whatever reason, busy with court or other cases i dont know. Well the more info about daughters health is included in the letter to which has not been sent out yet.

    she is a very spiteful person, i have stated this before, she likes to think she has control over me by being able to stop contact if and when she pleases.

    Wed 30, Sep 2015 at 9:03pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    The day has arrived and i am due to see my daughter at half 1 for an overnight stay. Daughter has been very excited about this weekend as she gets to stay with me and spend more than a few hours with me as this has not happened for approx 7/8 weeks. My ex is still texting me saying up to know she has not had this letter and if she does not get this letter before she is due to meet me then she is refusing to let us see each other.

    My daughter is texting me and i am not sure she is aware of this whole situation that she might not be seeing me and i am not willing to tell her. I really dont know what to do, halloween is this month and daughter is also due to be on an overnight stay during this time and she even picked a costume for her to wear whilst she is with me so we can go out trick or treating, But with everything going on and if ex does stop contact again i am afraid that none of this will happen and am worried for my daughter as to what emotional state she will be in having being stopped from seeing me again.

    To me my ex is treating my daughter like some sort of thing she owns and is using her to make her think she has some sort of hold over me. Surely she should think of what our daughter wants and respect her wishes at wanting to see me after all she is 11 next month.

    Sat 3, Oct 2015 at 10:45am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Update

    My ex has stopped contact once again :(

    Sat 3, Oct 2015 at 6:31pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    That's awful. I wonder if she realizes how upsetting this is for your daughter. I agree that your ex should respect your daughter's wishes and if you were to go back to court they would be taken into account particularly as she is getting older and can voice her own needs.. Obviously court is the last option - any chance of having another go at persuading your ex to try mediation?

    In the meantime are you happy with the solicitor sending the letter out? If so contact the solicitor and tell him to get a move on. Also tell your ex the reply is on the way and has been delayed by the solicitor not you.

    Fri 9, Oct 2015 at 10:29am
  • User-anonymous Jay Flag

    What a nightmare. Are you paying this solicitor ....it seems to me if she knew the deadline, she owes you more than an explanation!

    Fri 9, Oct 2015 at 2:05pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sandy

    we have never been to court before. She even had daughter texting me saying all my mum wants is a letter and have you even been to the solicitors?

    my solicitor has been off sick hence the delays, plus the draft someone sent me had errors in it so they needed correcting aswell. The letter contained many things from the disorder which my ex states she has, agreeing to putting contact back in place and the whole passport thing ( which ex wanted in their ) and a few other bits too.

    im not trying mediation again as i have tried twice she is not interested as it will cost her money. She dont care how my daughter feels about her stopping contact twice within 7 weeks, all she cares about is proving to me she has control over me, she is a control freak was in the relationship too which is why i wanted out.

    She keeps stopping contact for no good reason other than out of spite or to get one over on me. When she stopped contact on the 29th august and her reason was inaccuracies in the letter i sent, her facebook status showed her and daughter and the rest of her family all went for a day out to southport, which is the reason i think she stopped it in the first place rather than what my first letter stated.

    She keeps kicking me whilst im down by sending reminder messages of not to pick daughter up from school on the days i would normally even though she sent me a text saying she has stopped contact "until further notice". I dont need text reminders throwing salt in my already hurting wounds.

    Court is the only option i can see for her to finally stop refusing contact without good cause. At the moment there is no consequence so she thinks she can do what she likes and get away with it scot free as i always give in to get an easier life, but i can only take so much over the years and have had enough of it now.

    SD

    Jay

    yes i am paying my solicitor, to be fair to her she didnt even have the 14 days my ex demanded as that started prior to me seeing her regarding this matter and she was off sick for best part of a week which i was not aware of at that time. Yes another solicitor or someone in the office should of responded or took on the case until she got back but they probably thought she might only of been off for a day or so. Anyway whats done is done,

    The thing is i told my ex i wanted to give it another go of us sorting it out without solicitors which is why i tried talking to her via text but then she wanted the letter from solicitors bring them back into the situation which is what i was trying to avoid. It then took a few days for me to see my solicitor to show her everything that went on and organise this letter for her, but then solicitor went off sick which i was not aware of at the time.

    Fri 9, Oct 2015 at 9:39pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Make sure your solicitor knows that you still want a chance to come to some sort of agreement with your ex. It's never to late to try and do this. Talk to your solicitor about going to Mediation. This is nearly always possible even when a case is going to court. This might be abetter approach than trying to talk to your ex directly, given everything that's happened.

    Sat 10, Oct 2015 at 4:53pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    jaybee i have already tried mediation 2 weeks or so ago and court now is the only step.

    My ex refuses to go everytime i try it so i give up, mediation wont stop her from stopping contact whenever she pleases, it has to be court i think so she knows she cant do what she likes and when she likes.

    For mine and daughters sake im now pushing court its the only way it can get sorted.

    Sat 10, Oct 2015 at 5:19pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Presumably if you go to court your ex will be asking for her 'terms and conditions' to be incorporated into an order. I'm intrigued as to what they a are - are they the reasons you haven't been able to sort things out between you? What are your objections to what she's asking for?

    Sun 11, Oct 2015 at 7:41pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    sorry for the late reply BERN

    her 'terms and conditions' where not clearly stated, I assume she wants to be able to do what she likes and when she likes, which i will not agree to. The one thing i did agree too was to give her the passport back when we came back from a holiday abroad.

    I am now in the process of taking her to court as i have seen my daughter like 4 times since august and she keeps stopping access and restarting it whenever she feels like and if i query anything she just stops access too.

    I want all of this written down now by a judge and in a legal document which should stop her from stopping and restarting access whenever she sees fit.

    She uses the whole access as a way of trying to control me and to try to point out she still has a hold over me. My solicitor stated its a control thing and she has proven that on many of occasions which now she has proof we can take the matter further.

    The papers have been filed and its now a waiting game. My ex even knows that she has done wrong and sent me a text saying 'would I stop solicitors and legal action against her' to which i replied 'i would not' she doesnt know i have filed court papers but i think she has an idea. I am sure she will stop access again for like the 4th time in 2 months when she gets a letter from the courts.

    Hopefully this can all be sorted out in court and we can both move on with our lives. All i want now is for her to stop stopping and restarting contact.

    Thu 29, Oct 2015 at 9:58am
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Well if she's just throwing her weight around and stopping contact for no good reason, then having a court order will put an end to that. If she has genuine objections to what youre asking for, she can raise them in court.
    Good luck!

    Thu 29, Oct 2015 at 8:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    nope its deffo throwing her weight around and stopping contact for no good reason as stated she has even proved that to my solicitor.

    She stops contact, goes on big family days out and tags people i know in her facebook statuses out of spite knowing i could see the posts. Its like saying i have stopped your contact and look what im doing with her and you cant until i say.

    She is older than me but acts like a teenager.

    Fri 30, Oct 2015 at 11:49pm
  • User-anonymous Jay Flag

    you sound like you have reached a point where you know court is the best option. I hope you are right and that it does allow you and your daughter a period of reliable, regular contact. You will need to be able le to negotiate some flexibility as time passes and situations change...particularly for your daughter as she gets involved in new activities and interests in her teenage years....as you are probably well aware. So building up a decent relationship with your ex is still a priority...I hope you have the stamina to keep hope alive.

    Sat 31, Oct 2015 at 5:13pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi jay

    the main reason we are going to court is my ex keeps stopping and starting contact since august, me and daughter don't know whether we are coming or going and she keeps saying to me i will see you next week if my mum doesn't stop contact which is painful to hear. It means we cant really organise anything as we are not sure whether ex will stop contact again or not.

    This all started as i was asking for a degree of flexibility in our current arrangement but ex kept refusing so i started writing her letters and involved solicitors and she since then has stopped and started contact. So being able to negotiate flexibility is what kicked this all off. I am now taking it to court so that 1 she cant throw her weight around by stopping and starting contact whenever she sees fit and 2 hopefully to have some degree of flexibility built in for all of us, so that we can both hopefully move on with our lives.

    My ex stated to me that if i take it to court then in her eyes there never will be any degree of us remaining amicable, to which is not my priority as this present moment. I have always remained calm no matter what she does so i will always put some sort of effort in for my daughters sake. My ex is just worried that she knows she has done wrong by stopping contact for no good reasons whatsoever and has proven to everyone that she was mainly doing it out of spite and for no other reasons.

    All the papers have been filed with the courts is just a waiting game now. I personally think that once she gets letters from the courts she will stop contact again. But that is something i am preparing myself for, as they say prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

    Tue 3, Nov 2015 at 11:55am
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    good luck with it all and let us now how it goes

    Tue 3, Nov 2015 at 5:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    cheers jamie

    will let you know. I should hear back soon hopefully with a date, but im thinking middle of december. With luck on my side i can have it sorted before christmas :)

    Wed 4, Nov 2015 at 10:37pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Got my court papers today, due in court for a directions hearing on december 15th.

    I was told the court forwards copies onto my ex is this true?
    what will happen at the directions hearing?

    Tue 10, Nov 2015 at 7:27pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    I believe they do ! At the direction hearing generally the Judge?magistrates decides what to do next .They might want you both to go attend mediation / may send you both on a separated parenting information programme or may want more information before another hearing .

    I suspect from your previous comment you are worried that contact will stop again

    Tue 10, Nov 2015 at 8:00pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i have attended mediation twice but both times ex refuses to go. Yes you are correct jamie, i received mine today so im half expecting for ex to get hers within a day or two and i will get a text saying she is stopping contact. I am more concerned aswell by the fact is daughters birthday next week but it is not on my day i would normally see her so we have to celebrate it this weekend and if she does stop it then what will my daughter think and be going through that she cant see me on or around her birthday.

    I did voice these to my solicitor and she said there is not a great deal i can do but when i comes before a judge they probably wouldnt take kindly to her stopping access for no good reason and especially if it also falls around her birthday she certainly wouldnt get brownie points for that either.

    Daughter texts me everyday she is not with me so hopefully that will be allowed to continue if she does stop physical contact to soften the blow to how she will feel. Otherwise there will be no contact at all until atleast the directions hearing in 5 weeks time.

    Tue 10, Nov 2015 at 8:09pm
  • User-anonymous Katu Flag

    It's good that you're in contact with your daughter via text - even if contact did stop then you can reassure her that you will celebrate with her as soon as you see her again. I'd say it's worth trying to keep things as civil as you can right now. If your ex knows court is coming up perhaps that will be an incentive for her to 'look reasonable' too, so just assume the best and do all you can to make sure the arrangements for the weekend go ahead as usual. Good luck

    Wed 11, Nov 2015 at 11:24am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    She has been served her court papers. I have been told that she is planning on digging up dirt to use against me to try and prove daughter is at risk whilst in my care even going as far as wanting my own sister to be a witness for her for something that happened to me 2 years ago.

    here is goes long story i know lol

    I received threats (online, text messages and phone calls) and daughter was with me at the time, the area we was in was an area where the people who made the threats lived, daughter overheard a conversation i had with the police as another person involved in the threats contacted them regarding this. She went back and told her mum that i had been threatened and that she was scared for me.

    The police came and spoke with me regarding this matter and i told them that some people made up things about me as i was befriending an ex girlfriend of theirs and they weren't happy, so they posted malicious things against me in order to get people to find and attack me. The police didn't see anything into it when they came to speak to me that same night and knew the person very well indeed, they spoken to him (her ex partner) and the matter was dropped pretty much straighaway. Friends of mine knew who made the threats and spoken to them and everything was removed. I am no longer friends with her and haven't been since this incident. To this day my ex still doesn't know anything other than i received threats nor does my sister know anything either.

    Shortly after this my ex stopped contact (during christmas which was supposed to be the year that i had her during this period) stating that she thought my daughter was at risk being in my care and solicitors where involved, they assured her my daughter is at no risk and contact was quickly put back into place.

    is this something she can try and use against me? as its been 2 years since this incident and nothing has came up since regarding this matter, but now we are going to court for another matter but still regarding our daughter she wants to bring all this up to which she doesn't really know anything about. My question would be if she still had concerns why wait 2 years and only bring it up now that we are going to court or is it an out of spite thing or one last attempt to try and prove she has control over me.

    I am hearing all of this through a mutual friend that we have so not exactly too sure if its true but knowing my ex it sure will be.

    I had contact with daughter today who told me about a play she had in school earlier this week and wanted me their, i told her i didn't know anything about it and she replied ' I wasn't allowed to invite you as my mum said you couldn't go because she was and she wouldn't go if you did '. She then got a little upset and said but i wanted you their. How awful it was to hear that. I told her that i wasn't going to tell her mother about it as she was worried that she would get in trouble. I discussed with her about having her own voice and that if she feels something is wrong or not right then its ok to let people know, whether that's regarding her life or other peoples and that she is 11 and its alright to have an opinion regarding certain things as long as its in a polite manner.

    As far as i am aware she is not going to stop contact but i could be wrong and it wouldn't be the wisest thing to do if she did. Her current partner works in a solicitors (not a solicitor himself) so i am sure he would of told her to keep contact going until she has proof daughter is at risk whilst in my care but i could be wrong.

    I dont know whether i am coming or going over the last few months of all of this kicking off and all because i asked for some degree of flexibility regarding our current arrangement (none court order) makes me think i wish i never brought it up.

    I am hoping after all of this, we all know were we stand and can both move on with our lives and hopefully be a bit less stressful regarding child issues anyway.

    Thu 12, Nov 2015 at 10:36pm
  • User-anonymous Jay Flag

    From the way you describe what happened 2 years ago, it would be hard to make it sound like your daughter is at risk being with you. Could it be that she is afraid she will be criticised for breaking your daughter's contact with you then and just wants to be able to explain why she did it....in case she is criticised.by the court? This seems quite likely...and if so it may well be that you get what you hope for in your last sentence. What do you think?

    Fri 13, Nov 2015 at 6:04pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Jay

    She can explain whilst she did it regarding what happen 2 years ago, but thats not one of the reasons whilst we are going to court. We are going to court as she has stopped and started contact several times since august this year for no good reasons other than me asking for flexibility regarding our current agreement, so there would be no need for her to even bring up what happen 2 years ago.

    I hope the court will be stern with her regarding the stopping contact as me and my solicitor both agree this is what we think she needs to realize its not ok to keep doing it, then hopefully things will progress alot smoother.

    My ex wants to get married to her current OH and wants to change daughters name but i would prefer her to stay with the name she has had since birth and in a few years when she is old enough to make decisions then if she wants to change then i will support her. What do you peeps think about changing kids names when ex partners get married?

    Fri 13, Nov 2015 at 9:14pm
  • User-anonymous jinny Flag

    I immediately want to ask, whose family name does your daughter have now- yours or her mother's?

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 4:44pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Jinny

    she has her mothers name as we where supposed to get married shortly after daughter was born but we never and ended up splitting up. Yes i know most people will say that she should be able to change her name too but im abit thingy about these things and im not the only one im sure of it.

    Sat 14, Nov 2015 at 10:17pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Update

    Ex has text me making me an offer but condition of that offer would be to stop all action against her and stop court proceedings and wants this in writing before 30th november 2 weeks prior to our court directions hearing.

    The offer is what i originally asked for back in august before all of this kicked off and she ended stopping and starting contact. 1 side of me thinks i should take the offer as its what i originally wanted and daughter would love the extra time for more experiences, but the other side of me says you have come too far and throw all the work and money me and my solicitor have done so far away and still not have anything concrete so this could all happen again further down the line and would then have to start the whole process again causing further stress on daughter to which either party does not need or want.

    Deep down i want to take it through the whole court process so ex realises that she cant keep stopping and starting contact whenever she pleases and throwing her weight around. I know if i stop everything for a while it will be good then it will be back to square one.

    I am torn as what would be best for daughter is to end it all now, but then im thinking she would be better off if we go through court as it would be all legal and in writing.

    Sun 15, Nov 2015 at 11:49pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    That's a difficult one.......great that you've been offered what you've wanted all along. Do you think she's got the message now that things have to change and she cant keep stopping the contact? If you believe she has, then not going to court could be a relief for everyone.

    Mon 16, Nov 2015 at 10:39am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    to be truthful bern NO i think this is all a plot to get me stopping action against her and down the line she will go back to being difficult and telling me to stick to the agreement even though she does not.

    As stated previously she said that daughter has a communication disorder and needs strict routine well what better way than to have our agreement formalized and made legal. At least then there will be consequences for both parties for breaking the agreement.

    Mon 16, Nov 2015 at 10:44am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    plus the actual text sounded more like blackmail and a threat to me to be honest. I have sent a copy of it to my solicitor and hoping to get a response from her sometime today.

    Mon 16, Nov 2015 at 10:45am
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    it will be interesting to see what your solicitor advises but its all going in the right direction.

    Mon 16, Nov 2015 at 6:36pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    yeh jamie if only i can get hold of her lol my ex doesnt seem to have much of a problem getting her on the phone but everytime i ring she is in some sort of meeting or in court.

    i really want to push for court but at the end of the day its best to take advice too and hopefully it will be the advice i am hoping for.

    Mon 16, Nov 2015 at 8:50pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    You might save yourself time and money and have a better chance of a good parenting relationship by accepting the offer. However having got this far you might want the security of a court order. Tough call !

    Mon 16, Nov 2015 at 9:38pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    we have never had a good parenting relationship to be honest and over the past few years its gradually got worse. I think its the whole relationship and her wanting to get married and play happy families with me not included.

    The money doesnt really bother me as its all the extra stress and pressure being put on and not knowing wether your coming or going. I personally would rather see it through until the end than accepting the offer and in a few months time having to go through the whole process again and her learning from what mistakes she made the previous time and getting away with it and daughter being back to square one thinking why am i not seeing my dad again, so for her sake im sticking to my guns.

    I have come this far and to end it all now for no guarantees it wont happen again i think would be stupid. The last time it kicked off the end of 2013 i ended it before we were due to make a court application and look we are now back at it again.

    Mon 16, Nov 2015 at 9:49pm
  • User-anonymous Sandy Flag

    It looks like you have made your decision - I guess if you have been through all this before you don't want the same thing to happen all over again. Not too long now until the hearing - I bet you can't wait to get it over with.

    Wed 18, Nov 2015 at 8:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi sandy.

    nope for all sake i hope its over ASAP so everyone can then carry on with their own lives in peace, hopefully.

    The directions hearing was meant to take place middle of december but they have now brought it forward so its on the 7th december now so even less time to wait.

    I just hope it goes as smoothly as possible and ex doesn't try and lie too much and drag the case out any more than it has too as the main important person who will get hurt the most is the little one, well not so little as she 11.

    I have text ex regarding we are going to continue with the court application due to concerns mainly in future communication breakdowns and the fact she has stated to my solicitor she has no intentions in talking to me or even being in the same room as me, so that doesn't boost my confidence regarding stopping the whole court and solicitor action either.

    Wed 18, Nov 2015 at 8:49pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Some advice needed again

    I got a text thursday morning from ex stating that daughter was off school sick with a headache and gave the hint i wasnt having her after school as normal that day and has been sick since the school sent her home wednesday. I found out that daughter never even went to school wednesday (ill from a headache) so how they sent her home sick i will never know, i also found out that my ex kept daughter off school so that she could get her new phone which she got for her 11th brithday activated as they were told it would take 24 hours which was up wednesday so they went into town to get it sorted on the thursday. I spoke to a teacher from her school who agreed with me and stated that daughter should of been sent to school and if she was ill they would of sent her home and she heard they also took the time off to go get her phone sorted rather than being actually ill which is something they cant prove and neither can i.

    personally i think ex told me that cause she was trying to disrupt my contact with daughter and that i would of kicked off knowing that she effectively bunked daughter off school for no good reason and i wouldnt of ever found out.

    What do you guys think i should do?

    Sat 21, Nov 2015 at 9:10pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    My main tip is to say it's worth being absolutely sure of the facts before you do anything cos if your ex says you're wrong then it's likely to make an already bad situation worse than ever. Sorry if that's stating the obvious!

    Sun 22, Nov 2015 at 6:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Bern

    the school have already confirmed that daughter wasnt in wednesday so she couldnt of been sent home sick and she was off both days with a headache. If the shoe was on the other foot i dont think most people who care about their phones if the have a headache for 2 days the phone wouldnt be my priority and shouldnt of been the parents either.

    Sun 22, Nov 2015 at 6:36pm
  • User-anonymous Katu Flag

    So did you see her on the Thursday in the end or did the hint translate into her missing her time with you?

    Wed 25, Nov 2015 at 11:53am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Katu - nope we never saw each other. Hopefully im supposed to be seeing her tomorrow. My EP has now had a letter from CAFCASS stating a telephone interview next week so i think she wont want to stop access this week which will be tomorrow after school for a few hours then back Saturday until Sunday.

    She is worrying a little bit because i think its all now sinking in that she has done things not in the correct way so hopefully with less than 2 weeks to our first hearing things might be more smoothly after all this, well thats what im hoping for, for daughters sake.

    Wed 25, Nov 2015 at 5:31pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    *****Update*****

    The first hearing came and went.

    There were interesting things on my EP cafcass report regarding her, her OH and her other 3 kids, lots of reports regarding Domestic Violence, Child Abuse and neglect from 2010 up until 2015. Which i spoke to my solicitor about these on each of the occasions it either said 'no further action needed' or 'no further information required' to which she stated that if social services had concerns they would of done something about these. There were allegations of physical abuse on my EP from her partner. Could i get a background check done on him to see if he has previous for this type of thing?

    I was never told about any of these concerns from my EP or social services so i will be contacting them regarding this to state why i wasn't contacted when it my directly or indirectly regard my daughter.

    When my solicitor approached EP she offered an increase in contact which now my contact has doubled. Mainly more time during half terms and things plus an increase in my weekend overnight stays from Saturday - Sunday to Friday - Sunday also opportunity to take my daughter on up to 2 additional trips throughout the year mainly for camping and also be allowed to take her for an overseas holiday aswell.

    I made the agreement on the day based on my solicitors advice. It was written up in draft by my solicitor on the day and is now awaiting the judge to seal the agreement into a court order.

    There will be no more hearings and hopefully this will be the end of it all.

    I will be monitoring everything closely and keeping an eye on the whole DV and my ex's partner aswell.

    Sat 12, Dec 2015 at 10:46pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Singledad83

    Thanks for the update and the extremely good news that the contact with your daughter is being doubled and no more court dates needed. You must be pleased but a it's a shame that you had to go through all of that to get it. I really hope that every runs smoothly from now on for you and your daughter.

    Sun 13, Dec 2015 at 6:46pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    yes so do i hopefully thanks bern :)

    Sun 13, Dec 2015 at 9:59pm