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I have no voice

Posted by: Anonymous
Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 1:02am

I left my wife four years ago as I could not cope with her lies and deciet. We have two children age 9 and 7. Since we split there have been there have been many things that have happened the have given me concern about the welfare of my children. Such as her new boyfriend smacking my daughter, drug taking, my son sitting on my lap crying his eyes out because he wants to live with me because his mum and her boyfriend are arguing and throwing stuff. I try to talk to her about these things but I get accused of bullying and intimidating her. She then stops me from seeing the children if I question anything as well. There is a court order in place. I am to have staying contact every fortnight and telephone contact every Wednesday and Sunday when they are not with me.
My ex wife recently had a fight with her 14 year old daughter which resulted in her biting her daughter on the leg. Social services were called by the school and the police were involved.
A couple of weeks ago my ex called me by mistake. I listened to what she saying. From what I heard she was talking to someone she had just met, telling them about her dog and the area she lived in. Not the sort of things you would be saying to someone you have met before. She also talked about our children saying how wonderful they are. What got me was when she said as a sort afterthought that she does have another but she is a right effing little bitch.
I also heard a male voice in the background asking who's line is that on the table?
I text her and said it was nice to hear the way she talks about her children.
A few texts went back and forth, no arguing funnily enough. A couple of days later I text her to say having thought about it her behaviour and lifestyle is not acceptable and I have concerns. I asked if she would, with her partner, sit down with me and have a talk. She said yes as she has some things that she wants to say to me. Then out of the blue a bit later I get a message saying that she felt intimidated by me and she won't meet. Instead I need to go to mediation. Right or wrong I called social services and reported my concerns about the drug taking and her attitude towards her daughter.
I feel the need to contact them as i am once again being accused of being something i am not.
I have not had any contact with my children for two weeks. I text today to ask what have i done that she thinks is so bad that she would stop my contact. I was basically told that it was because contacted social services.
I don't know where I am supposed to turn as she won't talk to me. I have genuine concerns about my children's welfare, physical and emotional.
I need to get her back to court to sort this out. She is breaching the contact order on a regular basis. She is using my children to keep me quite.
I don't have the money to pay solicitors fees so will have to do all the court stuff myself.
Is there anybody out there who can help me with filling out court forms and give advice.
Please help I am at the end of my tether.

  This was of help to 0% of people  


  • Dandelion_pic elli Flag

    There's a lot in your post - sorry to respond so briefly to a small part of it.. You say you wanted to sit down and talk to your ex about your concerns and she suggested mediation. Is that an option for you? It would give you the chance to ask some of your questions and try to sort something out before taking court steps. Courts would expect you to consider it too:

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 10:12am
  • Dandelion_pic elli Flag
    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 10:15am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi elli, thanks for you response
    I have contacted . our local mediation service, I have referred myself and letters have been sent out.
    We have had three appointments in the past for mediation but she didn't attend any of them. We were also both ordered to attend a PIPS course by the court, I attended, she kept on making excuses not to go until they forgot her.
    I will not be holding my breath on that one.

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 10:32am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    A quick update I have just received a call from the mediation service. My ex does not want to engage in in any meetings.

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 1:53pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I understand your concerns and frustrations. I am going through a similar situation right now. I haven't seen my 8 yr old daughter since 11/8. I have been to my solicitor today who I can't afford to pay and he knows my financial situation. However I have received very good advice from the Co-Operative Childrens Legal Service it's a free telephone advice service. Be careful with text messages and any other form of communication with the mother always keep the communication civil and don't accuse her of anything. You need to write down everything that has happened and what has been said, be very truthful about what you have done and said. If this does go to court you need fact based evidence to support your claims not what you assume and think. I really hope this helps and that you find the right solution for the children. Good luck.

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 2:39pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    This video from the Ministry of Justice explains how to go about making an application to court-

    Hope it helps.

    Thu 28, Aug 2014 at 6:15pm
  • User-anonymous Ryanviola Flag

    I think you should talk about this to your ex. If your children are with her then it is her responsibility to take care about them. And you can go with the Co-Operative Childrens Legal Service.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 7:20am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    She won't talk to me. She has blocked my number and told me not to go to the house. The last time this happened and I went to her house to try and sort things out she accused me of all sorts of nonsense.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 12:11pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Reading through your post and comments I can see your top priority is the care of your children. If your ex wants to get back at you for contacting social services then she has chosen the best way to hurt you. If this is going through the courts then it may be that you will have to be patient and allow the time for the court to decide...and it will prioritise the children's welfare. If you are really anxious about their immediate welfare then you need to alert social services again. However, I wonder if you can find another way of checking their welfare....either through a grandparent who sees them or other. trustworthy relative or mutual friend. What do you think.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 1:59pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I can now speak to my daughter on the phone. She was given one for her birthday. I suspect that her mum is standing next to her listening to what we say, so I don't feel that I can talk freely. That being said, I do appreciate that I am in a better position than I was a few days ago. I am still no nearer to actually seeing the children and I can't speak directly to my ex about how we can work things out. I don't think it is appropriate nor right for our nine year old to act as a go between so that we can find a way to resolve things.
    Thanks to everyone for your comments. I don't feel so alone now.
    I am exploring my options for getting back to court and the advice you guys have given is really helpful.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 2:31pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It sounds as if you are making some progress even though it is small steps.
    Did social services give any indication that they felt the children were at risk with the mum ?

    Mon 1, Sep 2014 at 6:46pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good news. I picked the children up on Saturday and had them until today (Monday).
    I have had contact with my daughter via the phone so told her that I would pick them up on Saturday. I was worried that their mum might not allow them to come

    Mon 1, Sep 2014 at 9:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I was banking on her not being heartless and blocking contact directly to the children's face. A gamble I know.
    We had a great weekend although my son did not want to go home.
    I am still going to go back to court. I want to at least get the current court order varied. I also think that she should be sanctioned for her behaviour over the last few weeks.
    As for social services, I am not getting any feedback from them. I get the feeling that as far as they are concerned as long as the children are not covered in snot and fag burns then everything is fine. I am concerned about their emotional and moral wellbeing but that doesn't seem to court.

    Mon 1, Sep 2014 at 9:43pm
  • Pc chas Flag

    If she will not attend mediation court does sound like the most sensible course. If there has been any Social Service involvement, cafcass are likely to get involved, speak to you, her, the children, see where you lives, she lives, talk to the school. Despite cuts in resources yours is the sort of case they are likely to get involved with. They should be in touch with you before the first hearing date to discuss any concerns about the children's welfare .

    Have you been given a first court date yet?

    Tue 2, Sep 2014 at 6:33am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi chas,
    Not yet. I have not contacted the court I am trying to get the paperwork sorted. I am hoping to find a mckenzie friend to help. I am too emotionally attached to fill the paperwork out and stick to the facts. Although I have a job, I work nights which also doesn't help, I don't have a great deal of money. Something I'm sure my ex relies on which is why she behaves the way she does thinking that she can get away with it.

    Tue 2, Sep 2014 at 7:37am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I have found a McKenzie friend who is being really helpful. The paperwork for court is now done. I am taking it to the court on Tuesday.

    Sat 6, Sep 2014 at 10:00pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hello there, I've just read all your posts and it sounds v familiar to me. As you are discovering, you are left pretty much on your own to sort things out unless your kids are classed as being at risk and Social Services cut off is high. Obviously, it's impossible to sort things out if the mother refuses to talk to you but I'm pleased that you're making progress.
    You say you are feeling v emotional about the situation in which case my tip may not feel right for you just now but please bear it in mind for the future. My tip is to think about how your ex feels when you contact her - if she feels under attack and criticised as a parent she will not want anything to do with you. It's a vicious circle, the more you push, the more she retreats and the more the children get stuck in the middle. She says you're intimidating - Is there anything you could do to come across as less 'pushy' in the hope that she'd speak to you?

    Sun 7, Sep 2014 at 9:38am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I understand what you say about being pushy. I have held my tongue for far to long. I have tried to talk to her a few times over the years and it ends up the same way. I am conscious of her accusing me of intimidating her so try my hardest not to give her a reason to feel that way. She has no justification for saying it. I think she uses that as an excuse for not listening to me and facing up to her actions. I have to listen to her and her criticism of me without complaint. I try to take on board what she says to me, however I am not allowed to speak up. Obviously you don't know her and her personality, bit trust me she is not good at listening to an opposite opinion. She has anger issues which manifest themselves in the knee jerk reaction when she stops contact. I would like nothing more than to be able to get our relationship to a level where we can discuss the issues that affect our children. Sadly I can't see it happening in the near future.
    I spoke with my daughter yesterday, she wants to start horse riding. I was trying to sort out the logistics with her. My ex was shouting instructions and our daughter was relaying her messages to me. This is the type of infantile behaviour that needs addressing. I can't imagine what is going through our daughters mind. She should not be put in the middle of our disagreements. If we can't even communicate with each other over something as simple as organising horse riding lessons then there is no hope for the more serious stuff. I would have rather not had to go back to court but it is the only way I feel that I can get her to listen to my concerns.

    Mon 8, Sep 2014 at 8:51am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    So. Contact had been going good until Tuesday.
    I got a courtesy call from the children's school
    Informing me that my ex had been in to ask if she could take the children out of school for seven days so that she could take them on holiday. She made up some cock and bull story about the severly paralysed lady she cares for wanted to go on holiday and as she could not find anyone to look after the children she needed to take them with her. As she had not asked me I have my doubts as to the truth of it all.
    Today I received a text from her informing me that she is taking the children on holiday for ten days so I won't be having them next week. She did however , rather generously, say I can have them for two consecutive weekends when they come back.
    Luckily myself and the children had not planned to do anything special on their next visit, not that it would have mattered if we had.
    Once again contact has been stopped, albeit briefly, without any thought of how me and the children will be affected
    I would have known nothing about it if the school had not called.
    I am also being sent a penalty notice as I have got parental responsibility so I am being fined for her behaviour as well
    I have a court date now in October, I am looking forward to hearing her explanation for her actions.

    Fri 19, Sep 2014 at 6:39am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Well it's good that your ex is letting you have the children for two consecutive weekends when you come back - so it's a step in the right direction. Not sure why you are being sent the penalty notice - maybe that was an error on the school's part.

    Fri 19, Sep 2014 at 11:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    You say above that you have a court date in October and I wondered if you'd been yet and whether the outcome was what you hoped for and that it leads to a situation less stressful for all of you.

    Fri 24, Oct 2014 at 4:56pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    We are in court on Tuesday.
    Things are no less stressful. My ex has taken it upon herself to ask our 9 year old daughter if she wants to live with me half the week and her the other half.
    I had purposely not said anything to the children until it was necessary. The other thing that has annoyed me is that she doesn't even know what I am asking for apart from a shared residence order. I do not talk to her so she cannot possibly know exactly what terms I want.
    As a consequence my daughter has not spoken to me for almost 6 weeks.
    Funny thing is she has not told our 7 year old son.
    I fear she is trying to divide the children.
    I will post an update on Tuesday.

    I do not have to pay the school fine now. It simply took a letter raising my objections to the school.

    Fri 24, Oct 2014 at 5:35pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Interesting to read your up-date. Thank you.
    Sounds like you're happier about somethings but not others. Surprisingly, court can be quite a good place to open up dialogue between people (seems you and your ex haven't been able to do this for a while) - judges, lawyers and mediators (whoever's around from the court) will want to encourage it. So good luck on Tuesday. I hope it turns out to be a productive day.

    Sat 25, Oct 2014 at 4:06pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    So we went to to court.
    The case has been adjourned for three months for Cafcass to prepare a report. We are both to attend a PIPS course before we go back. I have already attended one, it was ordered during the last hearing, my ex did not attend that one.
    I often wondered why she had not attended as it is ultimately for the good of the children. The judge asked her why and she said she forgot, don't think that went down too well with him. To be honest I don't think she endeared herself to him what with her interruptions when he was outlining my application to her. I am looking forward to attending the new one, I am curious to see how I have been doing since the last time. The children will be spoken to as part of the Cafcass report.
    Not sure how that works with regards to my daughter, she is still not speaking to me. She won't answer texts or phone calls.
    I am going to write her a good old fashioned letter over the weekend.
    I won't be mentioning the court case, this is on the advice of Cafcass.
    I am seeing my son regularly, he is still oblivious to the case.
    I often wonder what he makes of it all.
    I am feeling apprehensive about the outcome as I don't know what Cafcass will say about the emotional abuse that my daughter is suffering.
    I will keep you updated as and when anything happens.

    Thu 13, Nov 2014 at 3:20pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Thanks for the update. I'm so glad that you're seeing your son regularly . Sometimes your confidence as a parent can take a knock when you're going through court so it must be reassuring that your role as a dad hasn't been taken away completely.

    Thu 13, Nov 2014 at 10:08pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks. I know what you mean about having my confidence dented. I have thought about not going ahead with the case so that my daughter does not have to go through the emotional roller coaster of it all, then I think to myself that the whole reason for my taking the action I have is because of the way the children's emotions are being abused.
    I am really worried about what it doing to my daughter though. I keep telling myself that she will come round eventually but god its hard.
    She is now seeing the school child psychologist. I have a good relationship with the school which is a great help. They are very sympathetic to what is happening although their hands are tied as to how involved they can or will get. At least I can speak to them and get some feedback as to how she is doing.
    Having the chance to get things out on here helps as well.

    Thu 13, Nov 2014 at 10:32pm