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Introduction to paternal family

Posted by: Anonymous
Tue 11, Apr 2017 at 6:16pm
After Separation


Advice appreciated please.

I am looking to slowly introduce my 6 year old daughter to my paternal family who did not know about her for that long - i kept it from them and have finally told them.

The court have reallised that I was open and honest about my situation for all these years, but will need to suffer the consequences ie, look to slowly getting her intergrated into my family.

The court have told me My daughter has a right to her paternal family and all safeguarding issues are resolved..

Mother will not allow my daughter to have any relationship with my family, but court said 'tough'.

Whay advice can someone give me to introduce her as not to overwhelm her at the same time, because I have told her she has another side of her family?


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  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Thanks for your post. It was interesting to read about your situation.
    Can I ask, first of all, if your daughter has been seeing you regularly or have you only recently been back in touch with her?
    I'm asking because, how used she is to being with you will influence how she responds to meeting any people for the first time whilst in your care.
    However, I also imagine she might be quite curious and excited meeting her 'new' relatives - particularly grand parents. On the other hand, her mother's feelings about it will have a part to play; she will probably sense her mother's unhappiness, even if nothing is said. So, try and find a way of letting her know that you understand that she may be worried about her Mum being upset.
    Keep visits short, at least initially. It's better if she comes away wishing she could have stayed longer, rather than the other way round. This will demonstrate that you're taking her Mum's feelings into account; that she doesn't have to do the worrying without your support.
    How far away is your family? If it's some distance, again to alleviate her mother's distress, you might want to arrange for them to come close to where your daughter is, at least to start off with, so that the sense of distance doesn't contribute to any difficult feelings that are around.
    I know you may feel this is conceding too much to her mother's position but the reality is, the success of this may depend significantly on how she feels about it and it may help for her to feel she still has some control over what happens.

    Fri 14, Apr 2017 at 1:08pm
  • User-anonymous shaz4020 Flag


    Thanks for the advice, much appreciated.

    I have been seeing my daughter since she was born quite regularly, at least 2/3 days a week.

    I live around 12 miles away from my daughter.

    My daughter is a duel-heritage, so am asian and mum is polish.

    Mum has bought religion and culture into the equation and this is where the problem is.

    Mum thinks if my daughter starts coming to my house we will start imposing our values and beliefs on to her, which is total nonsense.

    I have tried to explain to her she will not listen, hence matter gone to court.

    Mum in the past has mentioned my daughter can practce both faiths and then she can have a choice, so naturally when I started to teach her elements of my faith and even have a religious education after schools she totally backed out. Even my daughter was happy t have a religious education after school 2 days a week.

    All of a sudden my daughter has become a catholic in the last few weeks and went to the church a couple of times (this all happened after out first hearing in cout on March 15 this year) even though mum does not believe in ANY religion bullxxxx. (I have this on email).

    Judge asked mum if daughter is catholic and goes to a catholic school, she said yes, but our daughter goes to a C of E school? What is the difference here????

    More than introducing my daughter, mum has problems with religion and faith or what we will do to MY own daughter which i find from the mum despicable.

    Its a tough one, but any advice on this???


    Fri 14, Apr 2017 at 1:48pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    I get a fuller picture now. I guess you may have to decide, for the time being, what's most important to you - religion or your daughter getting to know her extended family? It sounds like you suspect that your ex's commitment to your daughter's religious education isn't sincere but you can't really know what's in her mind. Conflict between you and her will upset and confuse your daughter so you may have to decide that it's better to back down over this issue for now.

    Sun 16, Apr 2017 at 2:52pm
  • User-anonymous shaz4020 Flag


    Sound advice.

    But mum is saying my mum and sis will be imposing their values onto my daughter an all. Can't win.

    Mum has already said nasty things to my 6 year old daughter by the way about my mum, and my daughter says to me that mummy says grandma is not nice.

    Also she discussed a court issue with my daughter, telling her ur daddy is trying to take ur passport away from u. I went for a Prohibited Steps Order, so mum is already doing her best to pitt my daughter against me. It's one step forward, but mum's making sure I take 2 steps back.

    What's difference between catholic and church of England school?

    Sun 16, Apr 2017 at 3:14pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Catholic and church of England are different denominations of the Christian Church - certain aspects of their teaching are different from each other but I don't have extensive knowledge of this. You might want to take a look on line to learn more.

    Tue 18, Apr 2017 at 3:55pm