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non-molestation order

Posted by: Anonymous
Thu 5, Sep 2013 at 11:02pm

hi I recently received a non molestation order and now worried about whats comeing next ive been to the C.A.B whose advice was to get a solicitor after ringing a few I have an appointment next week 30 mins free then ill have to pay which im dreading legal aid doesn't seem possible anymore?
ive been separated for 2 months ive not been able to see my kids yet as social services are involved and they seem to like dragging there guilty of being drunk and abusive to my ex of basically name calling to which id like to add ive also received this behavior from her.earlier today I was told that my partner/ex partner has taken a new man in moved him into the house with my kids ? the house is mortgaged and in both our names. is this allowed as you can imagine im rather peed off that she can move someone into my house/our family home is this correct is this what the law says? I have to wait until a few weeks before the social services will interview me in the mean time im going mad with anxiety and stressed to the hills.
on the form I was served it says the order shal remain in force until beginning of October or further order of the court on 18th sept it goes on to say if I fail to attend at the time they can make an order in my absence without any notice to the respondent I have also heard through the grape vine she has no intention of me seeing my kids which I am missing them like mad and im positive they are missing me.
don't I have any rights in anything im there father in name and on birth certificates
thanks for any advice in advance

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  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Best advice I can give you is try to stay calm and be patient. You sound pretty stressed and the worse thing you can do is to start hassling your wife if you've got this order against you. No body will care if you feel you've been provoked into asserting your rights. Keep your head down, take the advice of your solicitor and cooperate with social services. I know it seems to take too long but hopefully you'll get a contact arrangement in place soon.

    How old are the kids?

    Fri 6, Sep 2013 at 5:20pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Just make sure you get to court on 18 Sept. That's when you might be able to start sorting something out about contact. Unless there's a very serious need to protect your children for some reason, the court will expect there to be some arrangement for contact even if it's fairly minimal to start off with. Stay calm and be co-operative - nothing's for ever at this stage.

    I can see why you're anxious - it's a nerve wracking situation but I guess you're also very sad about your relationship ending and missing your kids - so let yourself be sad rather than angry (sometimes they're 2 sides of the same coin) then you might start to feel better about things.

    Sat 7, Sep 2013 at 4:42pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    thanks for the advice kids are 12,10, and 6 I do try to keep calm but ive really never been separated from my being separated from them for this long is like slow torture to me ive been to the doctors because quite frankly ive never felt so low in my life im on antidepressents mirtazapine and diazepam.i cant help but keep wondering if they new I was on these would they think im not fit to have my kids things like that just run 100 mph through my head what really hurts me more than anything is that around 3 years ago my partner left me and the kids to go off with another man and belive me that hurts especially when its on your the time I went to a solicitor and he said I should let her see kids 2 to 3 times a week which I did and at the time I didn't need to issue her with an official letter as I thought if I could stay away from that side all the better and that worked kind of ok then 18 months later she wanted to come back and live with us I feel such a fool for letting her back into our daughter is not biologically mine where do I stand on that part? and still she left her and the boys without a second thought with me and now all this and she has quite blatantly said I cant see the kids and as far as I know that's what she has told social services and the court thing my kids are not going to classes that I used to send them to like dance classes,karate they was doing so well and she has stopped them from that to even though my parents offered money incase she hadn't any. well I feel a bit better for writeing this cant wait for next week to hopefully get some answers from solicitor im using the same solicitor so they have records of her from before thanks again for replies.

    Sat 7, Sep 2013 at 10:36pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    That is really tough. You sound like a good dad and I'm sure that if the authorities get involved they will make sure that the kids get to spend time with you.

    I can see why you and your ex are not getting on. I suppose this separation is final and if so, you have to find a way of being joint parents. that means being civil to each other, no matter what your personal feelings are. I think you had the right idea last time - sort as much out between you as possible, make sure the children don't miss out on time with mum or dad and finally, stop fighting! There's a way to go yet but you're doing all the right things - getting legal advice and finding the Forum so you can get things off your chest. I'm glad it's helping.

    Let us know how you get on with your solicitor.

    Sun 8, Sep 2013 at 8:53am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi well I briefly spoke to a solicitor his advice was to attend the hearing on the 18th of September which was today
    sadly I couldn't afford to get a solicitor as his fees are 180 pound an hour. however I did turn up and I had to represent myself which to be honest I was bricking it. there was only a few questions of which were basically do you feel this order should remain in place to which I said no as I have no intention of seeing my ex my main aim is to get to see my children to which is now 9 weeks since I have seen them. which I also put across to them they basically said the order will therefore remain in place until3rd of October I have until 27th of September to put my statement together which to be honest I had done rdy for today but im not 100% happy with it as I keep remember different things and have to amend as far as im aware I will return to the court on 3rd of October where both her statement and mine will be gone through .what is the best way for me to go in respect of me getting to see my kids faster im expecting you will say it will be slow but I would appreciate all advice and avenues in which to persue. should I go for a contact order mediation or is there something else as it clearly seems my ex has no intention of even trying to talk or sort things amicably.also I would like to quickly add that when my father today got home after takeing me to the court he went onto his pc and received an email from somebody who he does not know but in this email was all things concerning this case in my order it states no contact via me using other people for me to get to her what about visa versa which has happened today what should I do if anything about this as there my fathers grandchildren he went a bit mad but I don't want to get to heavy into grandparents rights as think its another mine field thanks for any advice and help as it really is much appreciated.

    Wed 18, Sep 2013 at 5:04pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I bet you are glad you have got today over with - you've also got your statement done and time to keep adding or changing it if need be. Have you had an assessment for mediation? If your ex will not go for mediation you can go on your own and the mediator will contact your ex to ask if she will attend.

    It's really good you have got your parents supporting you through this. I think you have a right to be angry about the email your father got but to be honest there is not much you can do about it and it's probably best just to ignore it and keep your head down as you don't want to stir things up.

    Keep going you will get there in the end.

    Wed 18, Sep 2013 at 8:01pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks and I had to stop the mediation appointment as they wanted to know my bank statements and proof of income as im on income support otherwise ill have to pay for that aswell and all my paperwork is at my house to which I cant gain access.ill start rummageing around for things tomorrow regarding the mediation I do wonder if its worth me going through all this I can only get info free off here so glad of any directions or advice.will the mediation look good or bad on my part im all over the place and although I have a lot written down probably 20 times of what there is in these statements from my ex as my ex is going back some 11 years of our relationship so I have done the same but ive got so much written down compared to what her solicitor has mine looks so un professional and am wondering if im doing right or wrong and its a bit all over the place like jumping here and there in years as it all comes back into my head.i just cant get to understand this legal stuff im not a solicitor from what I gathered today my ex is adamant on me not seeing my kids she sure knows where to hurt me.i still cant see where it says I cant see my kids in this non molestation order I understand the part of not seeing or having anything to do with ex but when I get down to the children it says 3.the respondent is forbidden to use or threaten violence against the relevant children (KIDS NAMES AND D.O.BS) forbiddento intimidate harass pester the relevenat children.again names and d.o.b.s I really do mean this I never have done anything like violence to my kids never in a million years would such a thing cross my mind like ive said before I had these kids to bring up for 18 months when she left me for another man and not one single damn problem im led to belive another man has moved into my home already some 9 weeks after this all started.i want to do anything and everything I humanly can to see my children and im 100% certain there be missing me if what that non molestation order doesn't say I cant see the children who is it that's stopping me the only people I can think of is social services end so how can I make them move faster should I get the mediation to write to them aswell?
    my brain is on over time and although I have till the 27th to prepare my side it seems like time is running away very fast.also on a last note what would the worst be if all goes pear shaped when I try to read my statements out will this notice be renewed is it forever?can i keep going back until i do get somewhere or will that be seen as im pestering i do briefly as a question today which was if i see my kids about town and the see me trust me there gunna shout dad and come running they didn't the question they said your have your say in the next hearing? i cant just ignore my kids if that was to happen

    Wed 18, Sep 2013 at 8:55pm
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Sounds like you're feeling a bit discouraged, which is a shame because you're clearly trying hard to do the right thing in spite of what's gone on in the past.
    So, stick with mediation as long as it's on offer.
    As for your statement, try not to put too much in about the past; courts generally don't want details of the problems between the grown ups so stick to the stuff that concerns the children.
    Sounds like your ex feels she has reason to be concerned about your children's safety, otherwise they wouldn't be mentioned in the order. So, looks like she, at least, feels something has happened to scare them. Could this have been when you were drunk maybe? None of us likes to be told that we're scary but it may be something you have to face up to and say 'sorry' for.

    As for bumping into your kids, you may not like this but for now, your best strategy would be to do what you can to make sure this doesn't happen. Stay away from where they are likely to be, go into town in school time for instance and just lie low for now until the court case has been sorted out.

    I'm sure contact with your kids is the most important issue but it does sound as if, because of what has gone on, they will need time to build up trust. But stay hopeful, it takes a lot for a court to decide there shouldn't be any contact at all, even if you think that's what your ex wants.

    Last of all, look after yourself.

    Hope you don't mind me asking but, how bad would you say your drinking is? Have you had to have help or medical treatment because of it? Might you need some advice You probably don't need me to tell you that the affects of a heavy night can still show in the morning. You need to look clean, healthy and sober when you go to court or to see the mediator. End of lecture!

    Thu 19, Sep 2013 at 8:44am
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Just a thought .......if your non molestation order states that you shouldn't contact your ex directly or indirectly, then a letter from a mediation service requesting that she has a meeting with you could be breaking the order. My suggestion would be to offer to go to mediation when you go to court next and if she agrees, you can ask for the wording on the order is changed.

    Thu 19, Sep 2013 at 2:52pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thanks for all advice as allways I take it all in and then go away and ponder on all facts.i will phone mediation again a.s.a.p.i am trying hard to not put into much detail but she has done this in her statement and I feel if I don't put my view and actual facts across ill be seen badly which clearly isn't the case I wish I could just copy and past it all in here and let you know all the facts but as I go through the days and weeks the file gets bigger.i will take that point and cross anything out that I feel is becoming a slanging match I don't want this as I have said before when she left me before I made it clean cut and easy for all concerned.most importantly I did it for the kids sake so they still had mum n dad relatively close to them as far to say that I said to my ex I know you have little money but I will buy the xmas presents you can wrap them and put from mum and dad to which happened .its very hard to try and put this across but what is happening is like a mirror image of her own child hood I cant really explain but everything that is happening now to me and kids is really mirror image but of her mother leaveing the kids and the dad as main party to kids.i have took the fact of myself and what happened to heart and somewhere somehow I will either put it at the start or end of my statement.i am currently some 40 miles away from home or my old home. ive gone a bit wobbly by missing the kids and want to see them so badly I lie in bed at night and can almost feel them near me that may sound strange I don't know I just nod off cuddleing them in my arms .which brings me to onto the drinking my drinking is now as good as non existent I have had 2 pints of was becoming worse I will agree and also agree to mention this in court sadly under the light of day I suppose there is no excuse but I was driven to the point of drinking to much from the exs mind games I could write down the facts to what has pushed me into the drinking of to I an alcoholic the answer is no
    I have attended AA and believe you me I come no where near to what they are I have never had medical problems from alcohol I have been to aa for the last 8 weeks and still attend the people there actually have said are you sure you need to be here I have been to the doctors and have some depression pills and some diazepam I will return to my doctor to see if there is anything else I need to be doing or if I should be looking towards any kind of counciling for what I see is like a grievece by not seeing my kids thanks again for the reply I will now pick myself back up and get on the phone to a mediation tomorrow morning to rebook an appointment .Thanks again for any advice I do appreciate it all.

    Thu 19, Sep 2013 at 4:04pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It does sound as if you've got a lot on your plate. I think that your suggestion of getting some counselling is a very good one. Your GP should be able to refer you to one, especially if he is treating you for depression. Losing contact with your kids is likely to make you grieve for them and talking all this through with a counsellor would be very helpful to you and may help you feel calmer about this difficult situation.

    Thu 19, Sep 2013 at 6:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    thanks for all advice so far yesterday I had my risk assement my first one in my life I was very nervous once it began it wasn't too bad they took a small 20 min break when they wanted me back in for further assement .I think from what they was saying they was going to check to see if I had been going to AA which I have so I cant see any problem there also they asked for my doctors name which I gave so from that im gathering there checking me to see if I am actually doing these things.ive stressed the point to them about how slow and little response I have been getting I also asked did they give the kids the notes I wrote to them I was surprised when they asked what notes basically me saying hi kids daddys here etc... they replied they new nothing about the letters and asked for the name who took them I don't know the answer as I never took her name that's my lesson learnt there.anyway tomorrow is my big day in court where I have to represent myself and im worried to hell im no solicitor ive sat most of today trying to make extra notes.tomorrows outcome from what I think is going to be weather this order stays in place with my far from the start of this sorry mess its been like a game of tennis from court waiting for social services and visa versa whilst all this takes time nothing is being done in me seeing my kids now 11 weeks and on that note I did say to the social services ill take anything from 5 mins be it supervised or unsupervised to see and hold my babys /kids cant help call them my babies still whilst im there ill pick the contact order form up ill let you know how it goes and what the next steps will be.

    Wed 2, Oct 2013 at 3:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Good luck for tomorrow - really hope it all goes well for you. Whatever else happens, whatever you say or forget to say I'm sure the one thing they will recognise is the depth of love you have for your children and that is bound to count in your favour. Let us know how you get on.

    Wed 2, Oct 2013 at 8:09pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi well the court is over and sadly things didn't go in my favour so its where I go from here now.the order is back in place.its like im never going to see the kids again the paper work I have in front of me is under headings.facts not in dispute 5 of those 1st question is is when I go back again will these facts not in dispute not be asked again or will new facts be put in and a host of new ones?.then the 2nd heading is disputed allegations. 8 paragraphs of these the question I have here is if I do the things on this list will things go in my favour and also I cant possibly do some of these things I can not turn time back and again when it goes back to court can they bring any disputed facts back in if im nowhere near living them all if you get what I mean then finally a heading of findings of the court 9 paragraphs of these what do I do about those ? also I remembered to pick the forms up for a contact order for the kids im not sure as I haven't read them yet to see if it costs me to do this as mediation im not sure would work as I am to have no contact via any means and on a final note I think for now is the respondant is forbidden to intimidate harass,or pester the children or intimidate,harass,or pester the children ,in person by telephone text e mail twitter or via any socil networking site the children yet when I was at court my son was there so huh hows that work ?

    Thu 3, Oct 2013 at 4:30pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    sorry to hear things didn't go your way today. How are you bearing up?

    Thu 3, Oct 2013 at 9:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Pretty crap cant sleep and dont expect i will until i drop i just can not belive this now ill miss halloween bonfire nigbt and xmas ever before has this happened seeing my son killed me its to hard to put into words she sure knows where to hurt me and ill never forget this

    Thu 3, Oct 2013 at 10:47pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I really feel for you. Just wondering if you have any friends or family you can talk this with - you need some support during this difficult time. Or have you thought any more about the counselling? As someone said earlier if you can talk this through it may help you to feel calmer. You also need to look after yourself to get through all this - I mean don't forget to eat and go out for walks to get some fresh air and help clear your head.

    Chin up, keep going and stay strong.

    Fri 4, Oct 2013 at 8:15am
  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Sounds like you feel things are pretty much out of your hands or your control but nevertheless you seem to be keeping it together somehow, which is great.
    Have the court hearings finished for now, until you send in your application for contact?
    Let us know how things are going.

    Thu 10, Oct 2013 at 7:19am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    hi yes court hearings have finished and my ex is just plain refuseing me contact it seems like I don't have a leg to stand on since no legal aid is available now I just had to listen and reply best I could im just not a solicitor so they just tore me apart the one thing that really got me was after police bail was dropped I asked the detective dealing with me if I could now return to my home he said yes saying don't go in all guns blazeing which I didn't I got to my home it was all locked up couldn't get in so left and went back to where I was staying in court they bring up the fact that if the order was lifted I would return to my home ? well yea I would as its my home too. so I just don't get that at all and like I said before when this next order runs out what then do I have to go through the court again ? and how many times will I have to reappear there I just don't understand.i have been to the doctors again and hes given me something stronger to calm me down I have not yet put in for contact order yet,next week I have been offered a week away holiday so ive taken that I really am dreading the next weeks and months ive tried to read up on some things any advice on this McKenzie thing from what I gather they could represent me in court? any help and advice appreciated thanks

    Thu 10, Oct 2013 at 3:17pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    A week away will be do you a lot of good. Just try to make the most of it. Have you tried CAB for some legal advice? They often have solicitors who give free 1/2 hour meetings.

    Thu 10, Oct 2013 at 8:34pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    A Mckenzie Friend is someone who would accompany you to court and give you help. Have a look at the following articles for information on McKenzie Friend's:
    If you are interested in finding a McKenzie Friend you could ask at CAB for further advice and they may be able to help you find one.

    Fri 11, Oct 2013 at 9:13am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    well I took a weeks holiday and to be honeset id rather have stayed put all it done was remind me of the kids so when other family members were jokeing laughing I was crying inside so it was not a good idea I went away .well having said that I now must try and move on can I contest a hearing of non molestain order? as when I went to court they just ripped me to bits as I have no legal aid finding a job is rather hard in the state im in let alone as a normal person finds it hard .I have been reading through some notes on this order and it states that I changed kids id for facebook yet the court never mentioned it was not correct to have kids on face book as there all under 14 theres so many little things like this that make no sense to me if for example the kids are not meant to use facebook why was it not brought into court to be dealt with by both parents I will hopefully this week try and get into cab also why is it that some people still get legal aid my ex is getting it so why cant I?also there is like 30 questions or remarks from my ex stating the problems I addressed them all uptp 17 as to me the next 13 was all about the day I got drunk yet when I went to court none of those first 17 questions that she had put down were mentioned I hope this makes some sense to someone as I feel low and do struggle especially with events like Halloween bonfire night then xmas I have never been away from my kids .also can somebody try and be clear on the mediation side I feel like id go and do that yet the outlines of the court state no talking via 3rd party if I cant talk to her through a third party then how and how will things ever move on

    Mon 21, Oct 2013 at 10:07am
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    In reading your posts, I can sense the mental turmoil you are going through and how everything is going around and round in circles for you .
    I think the first question I am not clear about is whether you applied for a contact order yet . if not that's your first step.
    This is not going to be a quick fix so my advice would be stop torturing yourself about what the future holds and concentrate on taking steps to try and help yourself and eventually see the children
    have you spoke to the CAB and tried to get a mc kenzie friend ?
    . make that your first two priorities in getting help to apply for your contact order .
    mediation is probably not suitable at the moment because of the molestation order .the court is trying to stop things escalating between the two of you until they can make some decisions so hard as it is, try and accept that for what it is at the moment . it is keeping you safe from further allegations .

    Mon 21, Oct 2013 at 7:22pm
  • User-anonymous Stevenbell Flag

    Hello I received a non molestation order in September last year I have been picked up once by police already for my cousin taking it upon herself to ask for my stuff back from my ex. We have two children together which I haven't seen since the incident happened I'm scared to try to get contact as I'm not sure what can be found to be a breach of this order. My question is how do I go about getting contact again I miss my kids dearly but I have no income to pay a solicitor thanks to this incident I have gained a criminal record and lost my job because of the minor breakdown that followed being taken to court for slapping my ex for using the kids as weapons against me after the break up. This whole thing has totally ruined my life my career and my ability to find new work I have completed my 60 hours community service and paid the compensation ordered can I now get in touch somehow to get access to my kids?. The order states I'm not to contact her directly or in directly but can mediation be possible at all? I am a good father the mother of my oldest child will back me up 100% percent on this as I still have as much contact as I can with my oldest child (6) although not as often as I would like as I was forced to leave my hometown after the incident through my ex and her family who work in the local sainsburys store blackening my name to as many people who would listen the stares and comments all contributed to my break down. Being a small town it wasn't long before I was branded a woman beater by the majority of the locals I just couldn't take it knowing all I actually done was slap her even the police report that was read out in court stated no injuries. To this day she still tells people I beat her up badly and drags the children away from the other members of my family who enter that sainsbury store making a spectacle of my children and my family alike I just don't know what to do. Please help me if you can.

    Mon 23, Feb 2015 at 2:16pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    stevenbell, it might be worth posting this separately as you may get more responses.
    Mediation will not be an option because of the non molestation order and the only option you may have is to make an application to court.

    Mon 23, Feb 2015 at 7:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    stevenbell - It sounds like you have been through an extremely difficult time. If you believe you have been wrongly served with a non molestation order you have the right of appeal to the courts. How long does the order last for - is there an end date on it or will you need to go back to court to get it lifted?

    It seems like you still have contact with your oldest child so at least that is positive. It also seems like you are trying to make a new start and looking for work which isn't easy in this day and age for anyone - it's well worth the effort as it will bring some normality back to your life. What do you think?

    As previously suggested - perhaps you might like to put a new post on the forum and you would get more responses.

    Wed 25, Feb 2015 at 8:46pm
  • User-anonymous Stevenbell Flag

    The order stands till September I'm worried my 3 yo will ha en forgotten who I am by then.. I will repost this in the right place sorry guys

    Wed 25, Feb 2015 at 8:58pm