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Not receiving agreed child access

Posted by: Anonymous
Fri 17, Mar 2017 at 4:15pm
After Separation

I went through a divorce a year ago and we have 8 and 11 yr old sons. It was agreed the boys would live with their mum but we had trouble agreeing access agreement. Me ex refused to discuss or compromise on anything and also refused mediation so I had no choice but to file for a court order. In court with the help of the judge, we came up with an access agreement which was formalised in the court order. This included me having the boys 20 days holiday, splitting the bank holidays and being able to see the children leading up to Christmas although she would have them Christmas eve and Christmas day.

My ex followed this last year but took it somehow as a lost and is still angry that I took her to court so she has made it impossible for me to gain the agreed access refusing most dates I put forward. I have ended being able to book 16 of the 20 days, 2 of the 4 bank holidays and 1 day prior to Christmas. My access includes having the boys every other weekend and Christmas falls on my weekend so I will see them only on my usual Saturday and she will have them on Sunday and I do not get another day in exchange.

She has once again refuse to discuss this with me or see a mediator so I have had my solicitor prepare another court order. Through the process of the past year, I have undergone so much stress that I have a persistent tightness in my neck that is now causing a pinched nerve in my arm. My consultant cannot do anything to help me and I am in regular agony. I have tried medication, physio, acupuncture, yoga, the lot and nothing helps. My consultant knows about the divorce and thinks this is the cause of my medical problem and urges me to drop the court case.

It saddens me to do this but I am taking his advice. I decided my health is more important than 8 extra days with my sons over the year. I will make the one day I get with them before Christmas magical. This is the best I can do. Am I doing the right thing??

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  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Thanks for setting out your story so honestly and so clearly.
    It doesn't surprise me that this conflict and stress has had an impact on your health. I guess I'm wondering what this has been like for your children as well?
    I can understand that for your 'giving up' these 4 days would emotionally costly for you. You're wondering if it's the 'right thing'. In what way are you afraid it would be 'wrong'? I'm guessing that your children's feeling is probably quite different from that - probably one of relief that their Mum and Dad have stopped fighting!
    So, yes, congratulations on reaching this conclusion.
    The following article might help you to feel more confident about your decision:

    Sun 19, Mar 2017 at 3:04pm
  • User-anonymous Bob Flag

    Hi Jaybee,
    It's actually 6 days including the bank holidays but more upsetting is that I am only allowed to see the boys 1 day in the 2 weeks leading up to Christmas and then not on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

    The boys have no idea that we are fighting over this as I have not mentioned it and kept them out of it. I can't say about my ex or their perception of what is going on from her side but I would hope she hasn't involved them. Frankly, they probably have no idea how many days they are supposed to see me for vacations in the year but I know they won't be happy when they find out that they will only see me one day during the entire Christmas Holiday.

    So no, from my sons point of view, my decision probably won't mean any change for them but it's heart wrenching for me. Why I think it may be the wrong decision is that it's less vacation access and another Christmas they won't see much of me this year, but what will she do next year.

    I understand that your concern is with the children, but I have been very careful not to involve them in this.

    Mon 27, Mar 2017 at 3:45pm