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Seperating successfully

Posted by: Anonymous
Tue 7, Mar 2017 at 9:27am

After a long 18 months my husband and I have agreed to separate (it has been a v. painful process not helped by my husband not being accepting of the situation or his part in it until recently). We are now taking the first tentative steps. towards separating having told our daughters (they knew it was a possibility) they took it quite well although younger one had massive melt down 2 days later not surprising. It is now over a week since we told them but we don't seem to have a plan to move forwaard. I seem to be the only one to initiate conversation on this subject my husband doesn't discuss he just seems to go ahead with things then if I show surprise he just suggests he has discussed it. I am finding this difficult and trying v. hard not to get into a row with him.

To complicate things further We run a business together and are 50/50 directors so our main sources of income will come from this business. My husband has managed the cashflow in and out of the business (not always successfully). We don't get a set salary each month but he drips money into our personal account over the month. I know why he does this but not sure how this will be arranged going forward as I want a clear plan. However due to the nature of our business I can understand why he does this and have suggested maybe when we seperate that the business pays all the bills for both our new places and a set amount for genearal spending is then transferred into our seperate accounts. He said he needed to think about it (this was suggested yesterday in our counselling session) but then today on asking about our pension he just it would be separate goign forwarfd. I thought this unfair as he was v. brisk, no discussion.

Please advise as to how best to negotiate as I am finding he gives mixed messages as last night he was calling me 'poppet' and 'darling' and then this morning he was brisk and off hand. I don't know how to discuss these issues without getting into a row with him.

We are v. stuck we live in the same house but in seperate rooms now due to circumstances which led us to this point I asked him to move out but he refused thinking it would move us further apart in fact the opposite has happened we are further apart as a result of him staying. I feel although we have told our famillies and friends we are seperating there is a danger we will continue on like this unless I instigate everything

I know alot of information but it is a very confusing time all round

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  • Pc jaybee (moderator) Flag

    Hi, thank you for your post. It's interesting to read about a situation like yours in its early stages.
    It's not surprising or uncommon for couples who are separating to find that their good intention to talk with each other and negotiate things turns out to be very difficult. So, you've done a very sensible thing and sought out some help in the form of counselling.
    My guess is that that is helpful and supportive to both of you in helping you deal with the emotional fall out from your decision to separate.
    However, there are the 'nuts and bolts' to sort out, the practical side, which, although may seem to be very down to earth, nevertheless, I imagine, evokes strong feelings. That's why it can be difficult to 'go it alone' to deal with these matters.
    Have you considered mediation? If you haven't already, have a look at the National Family Mediation website and maybe think about contacting your local service. Their mediators are trained to deal with all aspects of separation and if you contact them, you can discuss whether your situation might be suitable for this process.
    I hope this this is helpful.

    Fri 10, Mar 2017 at 10:57am
  • User-anonymous MediationNotLaw Flag

    I agree with Jaybee, though would recommend you cast your net wider than National Family Mediation (NFM) and search the Family Mediation Council (of which NFM is a member) website. You should look for an accredited mediator to help. I'd also recommend you engage a mediator who works with financial neutral - a financial planner who specialises in relationship breakdown, working within the mediation sessions and who has expertise in pensions.

    Mon 13, Mar 2017 at 8:42am