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Struggling...

User-anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous
Flag
Sat 2, Nov 2013 at 4:38pm

Hi all, long story short, my partner slept with someone else, she got pregnant, I left, she had the child, I got back with him after months of being apart....

Now my partner and I have been working for months to get back on track and we are happy the majority of the time but I do continue to struggle with the whole situation on a regular basis like being around his friends with the child, I feel like I'm not part of it because she's nothing to do with me. When people share photos, I feel like I can't comment. Its awkward in a way too. I push myself out completely because I feel like I'm not apart of it. I dread taking her places with his friends, his family and my family because of these feelings.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I really feel like I'm on my own and its horrible.

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Comments

  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Its very admirable of you to be working on your relationship with your partner. I think too many people give up too soon. All the same, it sounds like a complicated situation for you.
    What do YOU think would help you deal with your feelings?

    Sun 3, Nov 2013 at 8:09pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you.

    That's a very good question. I don't know whether I just need more time with it. I hit this obstacle of feelings every single time. I don't think it helps that there are a lot of people who don't know about the child. No one at work know and a lot of my friends are there. It seems crazy that a lot of my friends and colleagues don't know about this massive thing in my life, its just not that great to talk about.

    Sun 3, Nov 2013 at 8:25pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    You're right - it IS crazy that so many of your friends and colleagues don't know about this massive thing. No wonder you don't feel you have anyone to talk to. I know how painful it must be talk about, but it's also painful to live with the feelings you can't express. If I was your colleague, I would admire your capacity for forgiveness and your generosity of spirit in accepting this child.
    What do you think would help you to make 'going public' easier?

    Mon 4, Nov 2013 at 8:41am
  • Dandelion_pic elli Flag

    Hi, I just wondered what had held you back from letting people around you know the situation. Were you unsure how things would work out with your partner? If so, what's your view on on that one now?

    I guess it might be natural not to say too much when everything was first happening. Now you're past that stage, the longer you go without saying anything, the more of a hurdle it might feel. If you accept this change into "your" life too, it might mean you feel a bit less odd around his friends with the child.

    What about when it's just you and your partner around the child, do you feel completely un-involved then?

    Wed 6, Nov 2013 at 10:18am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Not at all, I feel very involved when its just the three of us. I think you're all right about letting people know making me feel better about it all and I think I need to have some more time. Things are great with my partner now, we've really worked through it. Maybe like you say I need to think about the positive things people might think about the situation rather than the negatives I think they'll think. I don't know how I'm going to bring it up with colleagues though.

    Wed 6, Nov 2013 at 1:54pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I guess you are worrying what other people think - but the main thing is that you are happy and involved when it's just the three of you together. Is there anyone at work who you trust and can confide in - after you have told the first person it will get easier to tell others and gradually it will become common knowledge. Do you have a friend or member of your family who already knows about the situation and who you can discuss your feelings and worries about this with? Good luck - let us know how you get on!

    Wed 6, Nov 2013 at 9:23pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I haven't yet confided in anyone at work. Its difficult to find the words.

    I'm really struggling with having the child stay over every weekend at the moment, she is waking up earlier and earlier on Sunday morning and I'm getting no sleep. It was 1am today and I can't get back to sleep. I've ended up going downstairs and all I'm able to do is cry. I'm working so hard at work and I just want a break. I love my partner but the lack of sleep is really affecting me in a negative way. The last thing I want to talk about to anyone is the story that my partner has had his first child with someone else when I'm absolutely knackered because of it. I know this is what 2 year olds do but I'm finding it really hard to be understanding when I'm getting a couple of hours sleep on my days off. Knowing it won't get better doesn't make me feel great either, he has to have her every weekend.

    Sun 17, Nov 2013 at 2:57am
  • Pc Bern Flag

    I remember when I wasn't getting much sleep either because of small children. I was thoroughly disagreeable to live with and everything felt like such an effort. If your work colleagues have noticed a change in you they might find it helpful to know why you're so knackered. Perhaps it would be a good way of opening up the conversation about your step-daughter....?

    You say its difficult to find the words - what words can you imagine using?

    Sun 17, Nov 2013 at 3:47pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    One colleague did ask me if I was okay last week because I looked so tired. I just need to tell one person and then get that person to mention it to everyone else just so I don't have to tell the same story over and over. Its so strange to hear stepdaughter too, it is exactly what she is to me but it seems strange being a stepmum and not a mum yet.

    I just want to come out and tell them but when we're all busy and working, its difficult to bring it up.

    I'm particularly close to one colleague, maybe I could go out for lunch with her and tell her there or something.

    Sun 17, Nov 2013 at 4:01pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    well its worth a try. I wonder if you are able to identify what it is exactly that makes it so difficult to come out and say that your partner has a child . I would guess that it must trigger some strong emotions and it might help if you could work out what you are feeling or fearing and how do think people will react ?

    Mon 18, Nov 2013 at 9:36pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    That is exactly it, it triggers massive emotional feelings and just thinking about talking it through with someone makes me instantly dread it. I reckon people would just ask a lot of questions but otherwise not say too much about it. The whole situation and thinking back to what happened upsets me, it makes me feel bad that someone else has had my partners first child and I haven't and it often makes me feel angry. The mix of feelings does make it difficult to talk about to someone.

    Tue 19, Nov 2013 at 6:46am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    It sounds like you are afraid that once you start talking about it these strong feelings will overwhelm you and come rushing out - either you will get very angry or very upset and may become tearful. Is it a struggle to hold these feelings down on a daily basis?

    Wed 20, Nov 2013 at 9:06pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Some days I don't even think about it. I feel like I'm not strong enough sometimes too though. My partner and I are happy the majority of the time but it does get to me now and then especially at the weekend, more so when I'm woken up at stupid o'clock and can't sleep.

    I'm finding it hard to feel any bond with the child. I play with her toys with her but I don't feel anything like what my partner feels which is probably normal but surely I must feel something?

    And even though the mother will always be there I don't ever want to meet her as she and her family made mine (even though I had nothing to do with this) and my partner's life hell for months. I don't like it when she buys him and his family gifts from the child, it makes me angry. I'd rather it my partner or I arrange that.

    I guess part of me is jealous in a way because I've not had a child yet and some random has had his first instead, that upsets me.

    Thu 21, Nov 2013 at 5:40pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Sounds like you do a good job most of the time of grinning and bearing it. Made me wonder how much your partner knows about how you feel?

    Thu 21, Nov 2013 at 9:28pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    He knows, I just feel like I shouldn't go on about it. Nothing can be done about it really.

    Fri 22, Nov 2013 at 6:22pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    I think I know what your last comment means. Going "on about it" is what you do when something's upsetting you, even when you know it can't change anything. It's a normal reaction and you just have to get it out of your system.

    You'll be glad to know that you can go "on about it" as much as you like on the Forum - that's what it's there for!

    I Hope you've had a better weekend this week and you've had your full quota of uninterrupted sleep.

    Sun 24, Nov 2013 at 8:13pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Hi there, I was thinking of your predicament again recently and thought you might find some useful information on our sister website The Couple Connection. There are some really interesting articles on affairs that you might connect with. Here's the link
    http://thecoupleconnection.net/relationship-advice/categories/affairs-and-jealousy

    Thu 5, Dec 2013 at 9:57pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I was just wondering how Christmas is working out for you. I was really touched by your sensitivity, awareness and responsiveness to a situation I would also have found hard to cope with.

    Wed 25, Dec 2013 at 3:53pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Christmas is going okay. She's being really good at the moment and its actually nice having her around. We're going on walks and we let her open her presents from me and my partner the weekend before Christmas.

    The mother usually makes it incredibly difficult for me at this time of year as well as birthdays as she did all the presents from his daughter which was fine but she'd also get my partner presents and a card from herself which I didn't think was appropriate. He never put the cards up and just got rid of the presents but on one occasion I found them in his car before he got chance to get rid and it really upset me. She's got a new boyfriend though apparently and funnily enough the cards and presents have stopped, she didnt get him one from his daughter either which was a bit strange. I felt a bit bad for him actually.

    Mon 30, Dec 2013 at 11:09am
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    Glad to hear that Christmas is going ok and you are enjoying having her around. Its moments like these that you can build on .
    Do you feel more secure knowing the mum has a new partner and is backing off?

    Mon 30, Dec 2013 at 9:34pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I do feel more secure knowing the mother has a new partner. I hope she keeps away now. I'll never like the woman or her family and never wish to meet. I'm not sure how I'll feel when its my partners daughter's birthday this year, last year he went up there and stayed the day which made me feel incredibly uncomfortable but this was before I'd met the little girl. I'm hoping this year, especially as her birthday lands on a Saturday, that he does the usual and just goes up to collect her but due to it being her second birthday, I'm guessing the mother will want her up there for a while, in which case, I hope my partner simply goes up later to bring her down here but I have a feeling that won't be the case.

    Wed 1, Jan 2014 at 9:02pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I reckon you'll feel a lot better this year than last year on her birthday. Nice to hear that things are slowly improving. Hope 2014 is a happier year for you.

    ps 'my partners daughter's birthday' is such a mouthful - how about ''my step daughter's birthday'?

    Thu 2, Jan 2014 at 8:11pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Thank you and you're right, it is a mouthful. I should get used to calling her my step daughter.

    Fri 3, Jan 2014 at 8:21pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Wow! That sounds like progress. Well done.
    As well as coming to terms with your partner's relationship with his daughter, you have also suffered a serious blow to your self esteem and your sense of trust in this guy. These are big hurdles to jump. Don't be hard on your self about how you are struggling with this. I hope what's happened recently - like the nice time you have had together, will remind you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sat 4, Jan 2014 at 4:20pm