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Very concerned for my 8 year old

Posted by: Anonymous
Tue 26, Aug 2014 at 8:31am

I am concerned that my x husband has taken my daughter out of the area.
I am worried about his state of mind due to his actions and behaviour after not appearing at a court hearing with HMRC. He has defrauded HMRC to claim Child Tax Credits and has obtained documents from HMRC by deception. I am a witness to the case against him.
He absconded on 31/7 with the 2 daughters aged 16 and 8 3 days before the court hearing but returned home because he had my eldest with him who persisted that they return home by Friday 7/8. He absconded again on 16/8 with the youngest and hasn’t been seen since.
I received a letter from his solicitor dated 14/8 stating that he may take me to court for full residence of the youngest and a prohibited order steps. I received court papers dated 15/8 he has applied for a prohibited steps order against me with false allegations. I received a letter from his solicitor dated 19/8 stating that he will not be making the youngest available to me until the matter goes to court.

I am on a low income and cannot afford a solicitor.

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  • Dandelion_pic elli Flag

    That could feel quite a scary situation. How are you?

    I have quite a few questions... Who have your daughters lived with until now? Do you know what your ex's intentions are for when they return to school?

    I'm not sure if now you're just waiting to find out what his next step is going to be, but I wonder if you should avoid delay and take some steps yourself. If you can't afford a solicitor, check if your local Citizen's Advice Bureau can offer a brief appointment with someone who can advise you. In my area there are other local advice centres where solicitors do a weekly advice slot. Also, some solicitors firms offer a free 20 minutes of advice so you could ring around and check that.

    You don't say what the prohibited steps order would be for or what you'd like the situation to be. Do you have a date when you're due to be in court?

    If this may go to court, then you'd be expected to have considered mediation. Here's some information:
    Legal aid is still available for mediation, if you are on a low income and don't have large amounts of savings etc. You can go by yourself to a first meeting to talk through your options, so it's probably worth making an appointment with your local mediation service.

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 10:06am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Thank you for your reply. Yes it is a very scary situation. I am very tired but I was expecting this so I am very emotionally strong right now. Up until 12 months ago my daughters lived with me we have shared parenting so who they lived with does not effect my rights. They lived with their farther because he effected my financial situation and made it impossible for to look after the children. My eledst lives with me now so she is not a concern. I have had plenty of free telephone legal advice from The Co Operative Childrens Legal team. The prohibited steps order is to prevent me from abducting my youngest. I have contacted the police and childrens social services who have spoken to my x. He told them that he will not return to the house because I am following him and will not allow my daughter to stay with me because I will brain wash her into not wanting to see him. He is very manipulative and has physicoligically abused me for over 20 years. I work for the local authority within adult social services. I beleive he is going to go to Spain as we lived there for 7 years up until 2010 he has family and friends there. All that he is doing and saying is just allowing him time to escape. I have an appointment with my solicitor today he knows my financial situation. I went to an initial mediation meeting last Friday which his solicitor arranged. She pointed me to court. I am hoping to get an emergency court order stating that he must return my daughter to the area and that she attends her school from Wednesday. That is my immediate concern and I will apply for full residence of both daughters.

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 10:48am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    This must be terrible for you - yet you seem to be doing all you can to get your ex to return your daughter to the area and back to school next week - you also sound reasonably calm and level-headed. I hope you have friends or family supporting you through this and that it works out for you. I came across the article below you may find interesting.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 5:41pm
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Thank you for your comments. On the surface I am calm and level headed. I save the sobbing for bed as I have my 16 year daughter living with me I have to put on a front that her sister is fine and will be back with us soon. I hang on to that thought throughout this horrible process. I and my 2 daughters are under the microscope of social services and the likes, we have all been here before 4 years ago when he claimed I was mentally ill. At that time I had counseling which is why I can cope this time around.

    I had a meeting with my solicitor today it went very well it's obvious to him what my x is doing. I was hoping to receive a phone call this evening but I suppose he hasn't got all of the information he needs yet. We will apply for full residence for both the girls but our priority is to get her home and at school.

    I don't know how much this will cost or when I will have to pay the bill but what price do you put on your childs head.

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 5:53pm
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    I would just like to add that forums like this are really really helpful. I have been talking for days about this situation not only to my friends and family (as they all want daily updates) bless them, but also to all of the authorities, support centers and solicitors, to be able to "talk" with my fingers and not my very dry mouth is a god send ;-)

    Wed 27, Aug 2014 at 5:57pm
  • Pc Bern Flag

    Hi PatSH,
    I'm so glad you're finding the forum helpful. You are under a lot of stress and I bet it's hard for you to take your mind off things. It's good that you're getting legal advice.
    Remember that there's someone you can talk to on line at The Listening Room between 9 and 10 pm every night.

    Thu 28, Aug 2014 at 6:26pm
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    I think I will try and chat to the listening room tonight. Although I know now that things are out of my hands and in the hands of the solicitors and judges and I have to have faith in them. I am also expecting a call from CASCAF who look at the child's welfare, apparently it will be an hour long phone call with is pretty terrifying being judged as a parent. My 16 year old told me this morning that she is having nightmares, last night zombies were attacking her, it goes without saying how hard it is to hold back the tears in front of her and giving her reassurance that the judges will make the right decision and her sister will be home soon. We both have to believe that.

    I haven't heard anything from my solicitor today. I have convinced myself that he is preparing the court application papers and he will be in touch with me as soon as the date has been set. Today I have cleaned the house from top to bottom and done the food shopping. I only moved into the house on 28th July. I realized that although the furniture is in place ,the walls are bare. I dug out the photos of the girls and have stuck them on the fridge and put the girls framed photos on the kitchen wall. It all adds to the feeling of hope and when my eldest returns home a little later I'm sure we'll have a good laugh at all of the silly baby photos. My friend of many many years is visiting tomorrow she lives 200 miles away. We met when we were 11, we are now 47 shhh! She will enjoy the photos too. I think I will have to be strong for her too!

    I don't know where my little girl is right now so I imagine her enjoying the last week of the summer holiday being happy and playing. Yes I feel that this summer holiday has been snatched away from us but there will be many others to come and from now on they will be very special. I am planning to take both my daughters back to where we lived in Spain for xmas, it's something I've wanted to do for the past 4 years.

    Tomorrow is another day. I am off to the local womens aid center for some moral support. somewhere I can cry without upsetting anyone else then go and get on with the rest of the day.

    Once again thank you for the finger talk :-)

    Thu 28, Aug 2014 at 7:17pm
  • User-anonymous Ryanviola Flag

    Now it is the time to take some step. If you can't afford solicitor you can go with mediation. This will surely help you.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 7:26am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Thank you for your comments. Yes I agree it's time to take some steps. I did go to mediation last Friday as instructed by his solicitor knowing he had no intention of following this through. Before my mediation initial meeting he had already applied for a prohibited steps order to prevent me from abducting my daughter! The last letter from his solicitor which was dated before the mediation meeting said that he is going to apply for full residence of my daughter. The mediator suggested that this be dealt with through the courts. My x is playing a game to give him time to get out of the country. My solicitor is now dealing with the matter and the cost will be dealt with at a later date. I am applying for full residence of both my daughters. I hope my solicitor has some news for me today.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 7:37am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    You are doing a good job of keeping everything together during this difficult time - I'm sure staying positive and keeping busy is the best way. You are right there will be plenty of other summers ahead and you have Christmas to look forward to. It's good to hear your friend is visiting. Stay strong and keep us up to date.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 9:54am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Just back from my meeting with the local womens aid center. I had to go through a risk assessment. Although it was very painful having to re-live my 20 year abusive marriage and the physiological abuse I am going through now it is something I have to endure for the sake of my daughters. I was assessed as high risk so I will get support from the center and I will be entitled to legal aid :-) which I didn't expect that the meeting would have anything to do with getting legal aid.

    My eldest has just told me that she didn't get to sleep until 6am this morning. I told her that the meeting I had today was very positive and that I won't have to pay for the solicitor. I don't know if I have mentioned that my x is holding up the child benefit and tax credits that I am entitled to for my eldest as she has been living with me since 11/8 so we are surviving on my part time wage of £750 per month. My x has texted my eldest telling her he loves her millions and will always be there for her. She refuses to communicate with him since she moved out.

    I know that everything will work out the right way and that I just need to have patience. I will call my solicitor this afternoon. Now I'm going to iron my new bedding and get my daughters curtains up them my friend will be here :-)

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 11:48am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I can see you are very relieved to hear you are entitled to legal aid and that the local Women's Aid Centre is able to offer you the support you need. You obviously have great strength and courage in sticking with doing the right thing for your daughters. Let us know how things work out.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 2:21pm
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    I received a letter from CAFCASS today so that process has started. The court hearing is set for 1/10.

    I spoke with my solicitor today. He has spoken with my x husband's solicitor. Apparently both my x and my daughter are back in the area and my daughter will be attending school on Wednesday. My solicitor is trying to get my x to agree to my daughter staying with me immediately. I will call into the school on Tuesday to make sure there will be no problem with me collecting my daughter from the school when ever I wish as I still have full parental responsibility until the court hearing, I will obviously communicate with my x before collecting her to make sure they have no plans. I am applying for full residency of my daughter to stop this situation ever happening again in the future.

    The only way to deal with a bully is to stand your ground and to not let them grind you down.

    Fingers crossed my daughter will be here with me, her sister, her friends and her cat shortly.

    Fri 29, Aug 2014 at 9:43pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    All the best for next week.

    Sun 31, Aug 2014 at 9:18am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    My solicitor has received a letter from my x's solicitor today. It says that my x proposed that I exercise contact with my youngest daughter on alternate weekends this way my x too can exercise quality time with her each alternating weekend. So out of 14 days she spends 2 days with me and 12 with him because he wants to spend quality time with her on only 2 of his 12 days. My proposal was that she stays with me from 5pm Thurs til 10am Sunday each week and the rest of the week with him, quite reasonable I thought for many reasons.

    He is agreeable to uphold his proposal !!! What!!! So he agrees with his own agreement! I must also abide by the terms of the agreement, I don't recall making any agreement. Isn't that why this is going to court. I am seriously doubting if his solicitor is a real solicitor. My x would also be agreeable to me having mid-week contact allowing me to collect her from school at 3pm on Thursday and dropping her HOME by 7pm. So when this arrangement happens on the weekend she is allowed to stay with me, that is almost meeting my proposal only I have to disrupt her stay with me between 7pm on Thursday and 6pm on Friday...very bizzar!

    He has also requested that I should not discuss with the children issues of residence and contact or any other adult issues. So now I am being told what I am allowed to say to the children....think we have a control freak here. I need to consult a thesaurus before I start a conversation with my daughters then...or is there any guidelines on the net about what constitutes an adult conversation!

    My x also would like to see the eldest and as such him and his solicitor request that my solicitor obtains my instructions in relation to when she can be available to see her farther. She is 17 in 2 weeks time and is very strong minded, so say her teachers. How could I restrain her from seeing him or talking to him considering CAFCASS are now involved I think robbing her laptop, mobile phone and keeping her a prisoner in the house would be inappropriate to say the least.

    On a serious note now. I feel that this is progress. Firstly I now know that she will be attending school and that she will be here to see us hopefully this Thursday and again Friday and Saturday. And when this does goto court on 1st October it will be obvious to the judge that he is unreasonable and does not have the children's best interest in mind.

    Mon 1, Sep 2014 at 8:02pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    So glad to hear that you feel you are making progress and that your daughter will be back at school Wednesday and will be seeing you , her sister and her cat very soon . I hope she likes all the photos too .Fingers crossed all goes well in October .

    Mon 1, Sep 2014 at 9:20pm
  • Pc chas Flag

    sounds positive that Cafcass are involved. They will be focusing on the welfare of the children and will probably write a report for court after talking to you all.

    Are you still getting free representation at court? Some courts have trainee barristers who can provide advice for free at the court, is that something that is available at your court?

    Good luck.

    Tue 2, Sep 2014 at 6:47am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Hi Jamie
    Thank you for your comments. I drove by my x's home last night and his car was there. He tells so many lies that I can only rely on proof to beleive what he says. I think now that I have a solicitor this has made him start to do the right thing. It makes me sick to my stomache that legal aid has been stopped for this situation. I have read many posts on many furums of people desperate for legal support and not getting it.

    Hi chas
    I am terrified of CAFCASS, silly I know but I haven't slept thinking of what I am going to say. This is the scars of emotional abuse I always feel I am going to be viewed as a liar and an unfit mother even though I know I'm not. Any advice on how to prepare myself for the CAFCASS telephone call I have booked for 24/9 would be much appreciated. I have read many horror stories of CAFCASS getting it wrong, I'm worried I won't be able to speak a word.

    I am getting legal aid as I have been assessed by the local women's centre and they have put me on a high risk of domestic abuse. I scored 14 points.

    I am also anxious about seeing my daughter again. WIll she want to come with me, what has he been saying to her? What if she doesn't want to go back to her Dad, I don't want to be the one who tells her that she can't stay with me. I was thinking that maybe her Dad should pick her up from my house. He has dictated that on a Thursday I pick her up from school and return her to his house by 7pm. Considering it has been over 3 weeks since she stayed with me and the last time I saw her she was really upset that he wasn't allowing her to stay with me. Also she has never come to see me and not stayed the night.

    Tue 2, Sep 2014 at 8:27am
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    Hi again ,
    just wanted to offer some words of support about CAFCASS.
    I can understand why you feel terrified but please try to remember who they are they to help ... your daughter. yes off course we all hear nightmare stories about all agencies but what never makes the headlines is all the families they help and have been so grateful for their intervention .
    I would suggest you focus on the facts and write them down and keep reading it and amending it until you are happy with them and then you w ill feel more confident in speaking to them .
    remember also that you have legal support plus support from women's aid who believed what you had to say to the extent that you scored 14 points .I hope you can take encouragement from that
    It might help to take a look at their website
    and keep in touch with this site too .

    Tue 2, Sep 2014 at 7:05pm
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Hi Jamie
    Thank you so much for your comments, it really does help. I read all of the leaflets on the CAFCASS website yesterday. I was concerned about mentioning the domestic abuse but the leaflets state that I must tell them about this. I slept well last night :-).

    I am in court on Monday as a witness for HMRC. My x appealed the decision they made in 2012-2013 when they awarded me the child tax credits for the youngest. This is the 2nd date that has been set because he didn't show up to the last one. He has lied to HMRC on his claim form. It will be interesting to see if he turns up this time. Of course this is more evidence against him when we go to the Family Court on 1/10.

    Wed 3, Sep 2014 at 7:51am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi, I think I'd echo Jamie's comments that CAFCASS (and the court) are there to work out what your children most need. So although your ex's lies to the HMRC are relevant for you as a reminder of what your ex is like, try not to let all your energies get taken up in giving the court have that same picture. In the end when there's not much time in court you and your solicitor will keep the focus on your daughter. I'm so glad you're going to get to see her tomorrow, hope it goes well for you all and you find a way to relax and enjoy your time together.

    Wed 3, Sep 2014 at 9:26am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    I picked her up from school yesterday. When she saw me her face lit up and her smile spread across her face, she ran to me with arms open calling mummy. We (me, her sister, cat and her friends) had 4 hours together. She didn't want to go back, she just delayed getting ready to leave so it wasn't too painful.

    I had to go through a very stressful process to collect her from school. I had an e-mail from my solicitor at 5pm Wed evening confirming that I can collect her from school yesterday. At 2.30 yesterday I had a text from x telling me the PASSWORD I needed to collect My daughter. I was devastated. I imagined the scene of me her Mum stood in the playground with all of the other parents and her school friends and more importantly my little girl who would just want to run to me as she did but being held back by the teacher who would have to ask me for the password. I couldn't do that to her. There I was half an hour before picking her up after not seeing her for 18 days in floods of tears. I called my solicitor. He told me to go to the school right away and speak to the Headmaster. I know my rights and that the school can not prevent me from collecting my daughter. The headmaster told me that he had a meeting with my x on Monday. My x told him that no one but him and the after school club could collect her and that yesterday my x contacted him saying when I was allowed to collect her. I had a lengthy chat with the headmaster pointing him to parental responsibilities but he wouldn't budge and told me I was only allowed to collect my daughter as per my x's instructions which is each Thursday and alternate Friday's. I refused to go into the playground and put my daughter through the humiliation of the password. The headmaster agreed that that was wrong. He led me in to her class room (which is when she saw me) and introduced me to her teacher, who I already knew me!

    When me daughter looked sad when I said it was time to go, to make her feel better I told her it wouldn't be long before I collect her from school today and that she is staying 2 nights. She said that she can't talk about that stuff. I asked what stuff can't she talk about. She just said that stuff. She also complained about her school shoes, that they were hurting her and she showed me all the red marks. They are the cheapest shoes you could buy, no he's not poor as he has just bought her a Bichon Frise puppy which are around £600-£800. She also said that staying the weekend isn't that many days.

    I am really concerned for the welfare of my daughter but nobody seams to listen, I know that other children are in a much worse position but my little girl has a much better alternative than the position she is now. I am following the correct route as far as the authorities are concerned but is it the correct route for my little girl. I have a meeting with my solicitor on Monday.

    Fri 5, Sep 2014 at 8:05am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Stay strong - you're doing a great job so far - I think it's best to stay on the side of caution and do exactly what your solicitor advises - it won't be long to the court case now. I can't understand all this password business - is your ex paranoid that someone other than you is going to pick your daughter up and abduct her?

    The main thing is you got to see your daughter, she is safe and you are having her this weekend and that is a huge step forward. Let us know how your weekend goes. Take care and try not to worry too much.

    Fri 5, Sep 2014 at 10:55am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Wonderful news that your daughter was so delighted to see you when you went to pick her up.
    I know the court date seems a long way off, I can only repeat what other people have said about being patient. Maybe the only way he can control you at the moment is through your daughter - undoing 20 years of psychological abuse isn't going to happen overnight.

    Sun 7, Sep 2014 at 9:53am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Thank you all so much for your support it really really helps. I have just dropped her off with her Dad. It's been a lovely weekend, it just felt normal. During general conversations over the weekend it is clear that she has been told not to talk about a lot of things and has been told a lot of lies which I am slowly and very carefully undoing. My eldest is 17 on Friday and she asked if the youngest can be with us on that day and the 3 of us go out for a meal. It's not my weekend so I will ask my solicitor to deal with this request.

    I am now getting prepared for the other court hearing tomorrow at 10am for his appeal against HMRC in 2012 when they decided that I was the main carer so should be in receipt of child tax credits. He didn't show up to the last hearing but I have a feeling he will be there tomorrow. I will present my letter from Women's Aid stating that I am at high risk of further abuse, hopefully that should help the judge to make the right decision.

    After the hearing I am going straight to my solicitor to prepare our case for the court hearing on 1/10. At the moment I do feel very strong and I will try and keep that way.

    Sun 7, Sep 2014 at 3:40pm
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    The court case for HMRC is finally over. It was a good tester for me. I arrived at 9:15 and handed in my letter from Women's Aid. I asked to see the evidence that has been presented, as I have not seen anything yet but didn't get it. The Usher and the clerk were both extremely nice. I was then taken into a room so I didn't have to wait in the waiting area where he would be sitting if he came. The clerk eventually came in and explained the process to me. He told me that my x had arrived. I was expected to sit in the court room with my x and his solicitor. I fell apart and knew then that I couldn't do it on my own. We went in separately. The judge asked me specific questions. He was a large man with a deep voice but I felt very comfortable with him. Cutting the story short my x told lie after lie, to a judge. Now I know exactly what I am up against on 1/10.

    I then went to my solicitor to apply for legal aid. If it's refused he will do a set fee and a payment plan. I am now rested and looking forward to a nice evening with a very good friend. Tomorrow is another day :-)

    Mon 8, Sep 2014 at 3:01pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    thank you for the update. I am sure your experience and positivity will be a huge help to others on the site

    Mon 8, Sep 2014 at 10:30pm
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    So the judge decided in my x's favour with regards to the HMRC court case. Pretty much the same as everything else is going at the moment. It was a huge blow to say the least. The decision letter arrived in the post Tuesday morning so the judge didn't take long to make his decision. Once I had pulled myself together, yet again and spoke to my two closest friends we all realized that the decision had applied the law incorrectly. The decision was based on the fact that my x was receiving child benefit for her at that time and that she had stayed over night with my x for more nights than with me, I couldn't prove if this wasn't true but I know it is false, but neither of these 2 points are relevant for being awarded child tax credits. So off I went to my solicitor with yet another unlawful act. We are going to prepare a setting aside of the decision.

    It isn't my weekend this weekend with the youngest, my x has dictated this. I text my x on Monday to ask if the youngest could join me and the eldest on Friday for a meal as my eldest is 17 on Friday. My eldest hasn't spoken with her Dad since she moved out 11/8 as he said some horrible things to her and is restricting access to the youngest. I have not had a response. I picked up the youngest from school today. She was really excited to see me. She was upset because she told her Dad that she didn't want to go to the after school club tomorrow because she wants to come home with me she isn't aware that it is the eldest birthday as I don't want to upset her if he doesn't allow her to come. He had told her no without an explanation.

    I have hope that cafcas and the judge make the right decision on 1/10

    Thu 11, Sep 2014 at 10:26pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    That must have been hard for you to find out the judge had decided in your x's favour but it has no bearing on the hearing on 1/10 so don't let it get you down. It's good to hear you have supportive friends. Hope your weekend goes well - take care.

    Fri 12, Sep 2014 at 11:08am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    The birthday weekend. Through solicitors my x dictated that I was allowed to collect my daughter from school on Friday at password required this time! and that I must return her to him at 9pm. I communicated to my solicitor that it would be impossible to take her back by 9pm due to the timing of the meal and I wanted the evening to be a special one, that it would be unfair to deprive the girls of ice cream and birthday cake and it wasn't a time for me to be clock watching. I said that I would drop her off on Saturday between 9 and 10am. We had a lovely meal and when we got home we played Harry Potter Seen it! We are huge Harry Potter fans.

    At 10.30pm Friday I noticed a text from my x that he had sent at 9.30 "I asked for ***** to be back by 9 at the latest because we are going away (I didn't know about that one, he goes away a lot recently). Please let me know you are on your way. I text him back explaining about dropping her off in the morning, asked him what time he needed her back.
    He replied If ***** isn't back in the next 15 mins then I need to get the police involved please let me know you are bringing her home. This was at 10 45pm. She was in bed fast asleep. I panicked thinking how do I stop him calling the police. Although I know they can't do anything he may have convinced them to check on her welfare. Also I have only just moved into the area and didn't want the embarrassment of the police at my house, what would my new lovely neighbours think. It was also my eldest birthday. 5 mins later he text to say he needed her back by 7am. So much for the Saturday lay in! At 2am ***** woke me up with a temperature and all bunged up. I settled her down with the usual medicine at 4am. At 7.30 am I was woken by 2 text message from x. I had slept through the alarm. ***** was still asleep.
    1st at 7.15 "I asked (which is an improvement on told) for ***** to be back by 7 we are due to leave in 15 mins thank you" (he is very polite isn't he). 2nd text at 7.30 (his time keeping is impeccable) "Where are you I am waiting to leave" not so polite this time. I replied "You have just woken me up ***** was up in the middle of the night with a temperature and full of a cold. Maybe it's not a good idea that she goes with you or you can leave later" His reply "I will come and collect her now". I supposed that saved me having to get dressed and do the 10 min round trip :-). Notice how concerned he was about his daughters welfare! 10 mins later at 7.50 he was banging my door down.

    I contacted the police on Monday to report what had happened. Yes of cause he hadn't done anything wrong because he hadn't smashed a baseball bat over my head, but it needed to be reported for the future.

    He has tried to blackmail my eldest in a text message which I won't bore you with the details. In short if she goes to see him he will give her a card and present. He will also have cards and money/presents from his parents, brothers and sisters. My eldest is so angry about it. I have tried by text to get him to give her things to me but he doesn't even respond to my messages.

    It's my weekend with the youngest. She was with me 4 til 7 yesterday I enrolled her in the local majorettes group she is so excited and asked if she was allowed to take the baton home. I will pick her up from school at 3 today. Tomorrow we off to tap and ballet class.

    Have a great weekend. Always stay true to yourself and don't let others bring you down, they're not worth it. It's only the children that count and they really are worth it. Remember they all grow up, become adults and make there own choices, my eldest did. xxx

    Fri 19, Sep 2014 at 9:54am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    I'm so pleased you enjoyed the birthday meal and I think it was a reasonable request you made for your daughter to stay overnight. To be fair to your ex it was good that he allowed her to go to the meal though rather unfortunate that your daughter was ill through the night and you slept in. Did he do much damage to your door?

    I was wondering about your eldest daughter - has she completely fallen out with her father? It would be really sad if she were to cut him off and in the long run will make things harder for you all particularly if she feels she has to takes sides. Could you encourage her to meet up with him for an hour or so perhaps in a neutral place - maybe for a coffee. If your ex has presents from his family by refusing it's almost like cutting them off too.

    I hope you have a lovely weekend with your daughter - childhood is a very special time. I definitely agree with you about not letting others bring you down. Keep up the good work!

    Fri 19, Sep 2014 at 11:08am
  • User-anonymous PatSh Flag

    Thank you for you comments. You say it was good that my x allowed my youngest to go to the meal. I do have a problem with adults thinking that they have a right to tell children what they can and can't do especially as my youngest is 9 in December. Yes as parents we do have to ensure that they are safe and kept from harm and their decisions are moral. We have shared parenting which means we are both responsible for the welfare and happiness of our children. The youngest is very unhappy at the moment because he telling that she cannot stay with me and her sister other than 4 hours on a Thursday and alternate weekends when she is used to staying with me 4 nights per week. He has also disappeared from her life many times. The reason why he is in CONTROL or he thinks he is is because a year ago when the children were living with me he cut off my finances so I was unable to provide a home for the girls . The only choice I had was either to end up in a refuge with the girls (for with the 3rd time as he keeps doing this) or hand over the tenancy of the property to him, the home that I had secured for me and the girls after he left us homeless and penniless again. It's only now that I have managed to get back on my feet and secure yet another home. All I have ever wanted for the girls is to be able to spent 50/50 time with both me and my x.

    My front door is fine as I opened it before he got too violent, you see I always have to keep him calm especially as my 8 year old was stood in the hallway when he was banging down the front door.

    You say it would be really sad if my eldest cut off from her farther and I understand you thinking that without knowing what she has experienced with her farther. I actually did talk to her last night and asked how she is feeling about it as it has now been 5 weeks since she last saw him. She said this time he will not bully me into seeing him. This is not the first time she has cut him off. He also has another daughter of 25 from a previous relationship who has no contact with him. I wonder why you think my eldest has to take sides? She is 17 and has a very strong mind of her own, this is her choice and has nothing to with what is going on between me and my x I have always kept our relationship separate from the children. It's him who uses the children as porns which is what he is doing with the youngest, that's the saddest thing in all of this and it is her happiness that I am fighting for.

    Fri 19, Sep 2014 at 12:21pm
  • Pc Jamie Flag

    Hi ,
    your last post wasn't as upbeat as you normally are so hoping you are ok and still feeling strong.
    I think the one word that hurts many parents is when they are told they are " allowed" to see their feels as it one parent has all the control and that can be so hurtful especially as your attitude has always been that you wanted shared parenting.

    I think in reading your post that it is sad that your daughters relationship has reached the stage it has with her father. You acknowledge at 17 she is going to make up her own mind. You are probably right that you cannot influence how her father behaves towards her and how she chooses to react .I think the best job you can do is to continue not involving her in any of the issues between you and him so that she knows that you will support her decision now and if she ever changed her mind.
    Its hard being a parent and even harder being a separated parent .I bet in some ways you cannot wait for the court case to be over so that you can plan your life.

    Mon 22, Sep 2014 at 2:59pm